I know you were hurt, I could hear your tears through the phone when we last talked.
I want you to understand why I walked away, when you decided not to be with me.
But first, Walking away and getting space between us has cleared my mind up, I was so clouded by all the emotion, that I was not able to step back and put it all in perspective.
When we first got together, you fell hard and fast in love with me, you said you saw a chance at happiness with me. You admitted to me that the only real reason for moving here, was that I gave you a glimpse of hope for happiness.
When you broke up with me, the first thing you said was that you were growing more anxious, as you looked around the apartment and saw my things there, neatly put away, as I was moving in and getting organized and that is when it all started to feel real to you. And that is the reason you gave me, at first, for breaking up with me. And if life has taught me anything, it is that, “the first statements are the most accurate, no matter how much you change them by the end”
Everything you said after that, I know was a cover. You gave me goals to achieve, with the ultimate reward of being able to be with you, getting you a job in town or a car, or getting back on my medications… I don’t think you realized how fast or easy it was going to be for me to achieve those goals. So you had to look for another resource to keep me away. I admit, yes I wasn’t as consistent as I should have been, however I don’t believe that was the whole reason. Yes, you wanted consistency so you could work past your fears of me leaving, I am not discrediting those words. But, for the while, that was the best excuse for you, in order to drive me to keep showing you affection and giving you my love, because even through your fears, my love still made you feel invincible and truly happy.
When we made love a week later, from me coming home, I will admit, that is the first time in my life I have ever made love, though not through lack of trying. Every time I opened up and became vulnerable they would become cold and leave, before we ever had another real chance to touch and that is why I struggle to open up to people. But, you immediately asked me to move in again and you were so sure of it, because in that moment you felt intense love for me and, just like me, you weren’t thinking about what was going on outside those walls, you weren’t thinking about your fears or your past, we were just in the moment, because we had each other.
But, as we spent more time together, your fear got the best of you again. You have also told me, that you are scared that one day I will wake up and decide that I don’t love you anymore and I understand that, something like that can be hard to forget. Just like my fears of coming home, from war or training, to a cold and lonely house, because the woman I love decided I wasn’t worth waiting for.
I realize now, that all in all, you are scared of something real. You are scared to truly love someone, and the connection we had, made it very difficult to fight off those feelings of love, so as a double edged sword, the more you fell in love with me, the more scared you became, of being hurt. Because, the intensity of the love you felt for me, was on par with the potential pain that would come with losing me.
You became more and more closed off as the days passed, but in those moments when we were able to be close and connected, you would go back to that feeling of pure bliss and you weren’t worried, because you knew you loved me and wanted the world with me. But, in the end, that fear got the best of you.
Tuesday morning, after we returned to your apartment, after the hospital. We made love, but I felt that you had lost that passion, your love for me had been replaced by that fear… I understand why you were reluctant, but neither one of us could help but want to feel each other in the closest form, when we got a chance to embrace each other. But, in that moment, I didn’t feel the passion from you. That hurt me, I know it was a matter of getting it out and getting that release that we had been building up, for the prior 2 and a half weeks, but that is when I realized that you were more scared than ever. Because, at that time you ran out of tools, reasons to keep me from getting too close.
You love me, you want me and you want everything you ever talked about with me. I know it. But, I feel like you are scared of this, you are scared of loving me and taking that leap, because you have been hurt so bad by it before.
I understand and it is because of that understanding that I realize why you chose Jon. Jon is safe, you aren’t scared, because you don’t share the same love or passion that we do. Sure, if he were to leave you, it would hurt, but nowhere nearly as bad as if I did. I admit, love is scary and it is painful.
You chose the safer option, albeit very difficult to go against your heart, at least for now, because even though you love me and want the world with me, you are simply scared of giving yourself to me. Because, I know without a doubt that you felt more love for me, than anyone else in the past and you remember how badly it hurt to lose their love. And you are scared of me doing the same thing and you know that if I were to do that, it would hurt more than ever.
You put up a wall, you wanted control in our situation, because you struggle to control yourself with me around. Around me you can’t help but be vulnerable and open, so as a defense mechanism, to save yourself from any similar pain you had in the past, you kept me away, but close enough to still feel happiness. I know you couldn’t control yourself, whenever we would touch, so your best option was to keep me just close enough to feel my love, but far enough to protect your heart. Because a static constant pain, seemed easier than cutting us off and feeling your heart ripped from your chest.
I feel that, this situation with Jon and the reason you couldn’t leave him, isn’t because of how you feel about him, but because of how you feel about me and how much of it you feel for me.
It is because of this, that I had to walk away. I know it is scary to take that leap. On the phone, I said that if this is what your heart wants, then so be it… and you were indifferent about that comment. You and I know that your heart wants me, but Jon was your weapon, to keep me too far away to cause you too much pain.
I want you to understand, that it wasn’t easy for me to say goodbye. It hurt, but it hurt a lot less than not
getting what my heart wanted from you.
In this short time that we have been apart, I have been able to get rid of that emotional fog and fully understand why you did, what you did. And I don’t blame you.
I do not doubt that you want a family with me or that you want to marry me. I know you want me more than anything, but you can’t get over the pain of the past.
In this time that I have used, I have been giving myself closure, because I can’t expect your heart to let you give me true closure on your own, because it won’t let you bear the idea of seeing me move on. It has given me a chance to look back, at everything you said to me, everything you did around me, how you carried yourself. And I have come to the conclusion, that you are scared, because you can’t help but give yourself to me completely, no matter how much you were to fight it.
You had to be in control, because you don’t want to give anyone the opportunity to hurt you again, so you keep me just out of reach, in order to prevent me from having a chance at doing that.
In the end, I know love is scary. I have opened up and granted my vulnerability to people who took it for granted or ran away, for the same reason you did.
I don’t blame you, I don’t have any hard feelings about you now.
I just wish I would have taken a step back a long time ago and put this all into perspective.
I still stand by my decision. I only want what I know, will make me happy. And being platonic with you, is not going to allow me to be happy, it will destroy me and I believe it will destroy you too.
We both know that we will not be able to have a healthy friendship. We will always love each other and always want each other. So, until you decide to put your fears aside and open up to me, I will stay away. Otherwise, this is the only way to allow us to heal from the pain that we put ourselves through, over the past couple months.
I understand it seems easier to live with the pain of holding ourselves back, than to rip the band-aid off abruptly
I just hope that, you will realize these fears and that when you decide to take actions and ignore your fears, that I am not too far gone by then.
I don’t expect you to agree with all of this and I am sure you will deny a lot of it, but I am saying this from seeing your body language, reading how you carry yourself and realizing what you were really saying to me, over the past few months. I knew you to well, to not see past your words.
I know this letter seems very out of place. But, I hope you hang onto and read it, whenever you think about me. I don’t expect you to reply. I just want you to know, that I never lost sight of the dreams we had and I know you never did either.
I just want you to know, that if it ever comes down to me being friends with you, it will be because I do not love you anymore. But, I highly doubt it will happen. Whether you think it, or not, you taught me a lot. And this time away has been very freeing and rewarding. I can finally smile and I can finally look forward to a future that I know is bright, I don’t know what it will bring my way, all I know is this isn’t the end and you helped me grow as a person.
I won’t forget your lessons, or your words… I just want you to know, that I really was listening.