It’s been two months, and maybe I should be over you by now, over you, over this, and everything about our relationship, but I’m still not, but I’m getting better.
I know we couldn’t do a long distance elationship, and so did you, but it still hurt when you came over and told me that we should break up now. Just a week after graduation. I guess I had some convoluted idea that we would talk about it first, and not break up as soon as it was brought up. I had thought we would spend more time together during summer. I thought we’d do things and have fun, you always talked about how I would meet your friends from different states, or how we would watch all the Lord of the Rings. We had plans, and I guess I’m still sad that you decided to end it before we could do anything. But I get it, well, sort of. It’s good because we both had time before college started to get over it. So at least I won’t still be sad a couple months into freshman year.
I don’t know how you feel about the breakup, I know that you said that you weren’t happy about it either, and I believe you. I don’t want you to be miserable, I’m not miserable, but I wonder how you feel.
Our relationship was rocky from the beginning. My mom didn’t really like you from the beginning, and it just worse after you kissed me on the couch, and we got in trouble, and you decided to argue with her instead of taking it, and then got upset because you thought she was insulting your family. After that it was never the same. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around the topic of you at home. Maybe I should have broken up with you then, but I didn’t. I don’t know how it would have been like if we had stayed together over summer, but that still didn’t stop me from wanting to.
I wish it hadn’t felt like you were ignoring me and not talking to me the week prior to our breakup, that hurt a lot. That you were too busy to talk to me.
I know we weren’t the perfect match, we were different in a lot of ways. And I’m pretty sensitive, and you were less so. You were more tightly wound than me. Among other things.
But you were also sweet to me, and silly, and thoughtful. I cared so much, I still do.
In the end, I don’t know if we would’ve worked out. If we had tried a long distance thing, I don’t thing it would have gone over well. You would be busy and not bring your phone anywhere, I would be busy too, but I would want to talk to you but didn’t want to bother you, and then I would get my feelings hurt because you didn’t call. inwould hate not being able to see you, if we had tried it. At least now we’re free of eachother and the responsibilities of a long distance relationship.
If you had stayed, I have no idea what would’ve happened. Not only with you, but with my mom. You didn’t like her, your parents said offensive things to her, I’m sure they didn’t mean to, but they did. I wish we had a smoother relationship. When it was just you and me it was (mostly) great.
Now you’re moving away to another state for college, I think in a couple days. And, I don’t think I’ll ever see you again. A thought that makes me sad. I gave you a hug goodbye a little bit ago, after a party. You said “see you later”. Yeah… I’m not so sure about that.
Sometimes I worry about you, that you don’t know what you want to do, just that you don’t want to follow exact orders from your parents, but it’s exactly what you’re doing. I hope you find out what you want to do, and not try to be the perfect son forever. I just want you to be happy and the best version of yourself. I wish you the very best. You were my first boyfriend, and my first kiss, and I will always remember you. Goodbye C.
-M