What is love? It’s a word. It’s a song. It’s a connection. It’s a devotion. It’s an acceptance. Love is intimate. Love is everlasting. Love is communicating. All of these ideas can be love. Love has a different meaning to everyone.
Love is just primarily a word. It has no meaning. Maybe not for you. Maybe not for me. But the word “love” has no meaning to a person I once knew. She is caring. She is affectionate. She has hospitality. She is smart. She is beautiful. She is an amazing person who will do great things. But she doesn’t value the word “love” as I do.
I loved this woman unconditionally. I will never have any regrets on how I treated this woman. In my eyes, I couldn’t have treated her any better. Never any fights. It was almost perfect. How did I get so lucky? In the end, she wasn’t really a woman. I was deceived, like I was wearing a blindfold over my eyes for over a year. I self-deprived myself, like the Coyote trying to capture the Roadrunner in the cartoons. No longer is she a “woman,” she is simply a girl. I loved her as a woman, but she broke my heart as a girl. That girl will never regret how she made me feel. She walked away from me easier than making a dessert in an Easy-Bake Oven. How can you walk away so easily? What did I do to deserve this? I understand that people have to walk away. But why like this?
“Love” is just simply a word to her. No communication. Unresponsive. Months after the fact, still nothing but silence. This word called “love” was used frequently by this girl. Through text when I woke up and went to bed. Through the care and support she offered me. She said it straight into the depths of my eyes after seeing her and after we played some games in between the sheets. We didn’t play these games “safely,” but in my heart and eyes, this was unconditional “love.” Looking back at when we played our “games,” I’ll never understand how someone can give themselves up and walk away so easily.
I actually tried to move mountains to stay with the person I said “I loved.” I bought flowers, I bought a cake, I had flowers delivered to her job of employment, I bought her favorite snacks, but most importantly, I offered communication. None of the materialistic frivolous gifts mattered. She agreed to meet with me through text to talk face to face. The only thing I ended up talking to was a brick wall. No emotion. Her face was a stone. I would have been better off visiting the Stonehenge monument and England and I would have had a more meaningful interaction. Like AC/DC would say, I was “Shot Down in Flames.” She acted like the “girl” I now know her as. Ignoring me. Hiding from the problem that was created. Selfish and childish, just playing with my feelings. I poured my heart out. I poured more water out of my eyes than water pouring out of the Susquehanna.
A real man accepts the fact when he was wrong. I said some hurtful things myself, but I’m not perfect person. Nobody is a perfect individual. Yes, I got upset. I wanted to create a special day for her birthday, but I was denied. I made it a bigger deal than what it should have been. But looking back, it was a red flag that I missed. We went a whole year without fighting. The fight that happened was the first, but it was also the last. What was the fight about? LIFE. The simple thing that we face each day of our lives and something we can’t hide from. I overthink. I get upset. I look forward to the future and what it holds. What is so wrong with that? I like to be prepared. I like to have an idea to what to expect. Again, nobody is a perfect individual. Life is tough. I love my friends and family. I couldn’t wish to have better people in my life. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
“I don’t have anything on my mind; just blank”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
These quotes from her hurt. After countless of adventures, nights spent together, dinners, movies, trips, but there is nothing to talk about? “Just blank.” That’s my favorite. Blank must mean the blank space she has had in her heart for me since I met her. I feel like I was just feeding her attention, giving her things that made her feel special. Looking back on everything, I never once received a gift from her that had a value of sentiment. I always received normal gifts. Clothes, cologne, razors, and knick-knacks. I always gave gifts with sentimental value. I was in love. I wanted to give gifts that would last forever. I gave gifts that were memorable. There were red flags everywhere, but I was blinded.
Our families were great to each other. I really loved her family. They always treated me with respect. Where did her respect go in the end? Why couldn’t she respect me enough to answer me, to talk to me, to even respond to my calls or texts in the end? I never disrespected her. I never used profanity. I never lashed out at her. I blamed myself. I knew I was wrong. In reality, she forced a fight on me. She was ready to leave me any day. Lying and using that word called “love.”
There was no closure. She made no attempt to give me the respect that I gave her. I understand some questions go unanswered, but a simple apology or conversation would have been ideal. In a sense, there are answers that I won’t want to know. Answers that might make me feel worse. Answers that might taint my heart even more. More lies could arise as to why it all fell apart. Sometimes, you have to create your own closure if your partner won’t. Writing this article is a closure of my thoughts, my feelings, and my pain.
If I have any advice to any readers that have made it this far, I would say to always tell someone how you feel. Don’t lead people on. Don’t lie to another human being’s heart. As hard as it is, it will be harder for the other person to overcome the pain. Not the pain of the initial displeasure, but the pain of being lied to for days, months, and years. To this day, I feel like a piece of trash on the sidewalk, waiting to be thrown into more trash in a dump truck, and laid to rest in a landfill with more trash.
All you can do is stay positive. Life is still moving. There are better things. Better people. Better opportunities. You have to be professional. Keep doing what you love. Reconnect with hobbies and friends you haven’t explored in a while. I’m hurt, but I learned lessons. People are immature, but not everyone. Be the mature one like I, face your problems, accept that you made a mistake. It’s not about what kind of mistakes we make, but it’s how we fix those mistakes.
Don’t let someone bring you down, especially if you had a bigger heart for them than they had for you. We are still all human beings. I’ll say it again, but nobody is perfect. God still loves us all.
I was cheated. For the next days, for the next months, for the next years, I’ll still be thinking about the answers I never will receive and why the only woman I have ever gave my entire heart to doesn’t want to be with me. There is that closure again. You have to find your own closure if your partner isn’t going to give any.
To the readers, I only have to say one thing. Always put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Before you take any action that is going to affect someone else’s life, take a look at the other perspective. Communication. No matter if things are great, or if things are going south, communication is essential.
In the end, I’m lucky this happened now. I realized that it was more beneficial for this to happen now, than having it wait any longer. It isn’t fun when you truly love someone, and they don’t truly love you back.
“Say what you really feel to my face; just like you told me you loved me to my face.” – Matt Tavaglione
1 Comment
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Omg Matt. As I was reading this this girl sounded like a dead ringer for a girl I knew, and gave so much to. To the exact details, so to our relationship went. Then I saw you mention the Susquehanna… River, perhaps, in PA? This girl lived in York Haven/Lewisberry. Her father passed away when she was still very young, and I dated her big sister, I’ll call her Lin. The little sis, Stef. The entire house was devastated when we met. I made both girls absolutely GLOW. Stef looked to me to replace her father. She was certain I would leave her like her father did. Whenever I wasn’t there she was catatonic. When I was, on cloud 9. It took a ton of work to earn her trust. She was so fragile and would cry over the littlest thing, testing our bond. Clung to me when I walked in the door. Had a huge crush, but an innocent one at the time. She needed affection like she needed oxygen. I’d hold her in my arms often and tell her I loved her and wasn’t going anywhere, even if her sister and I broke up. As she grew older, and grew hormones, the crush wasn’t so innocent. And on my end as well, she wasn’t just that cute little girl. Now becoming downright beautiful, especially to me because I’d already fallen in love with her on the inside. We built a beautiful foundation together based on the purest of feelings. But the reality is I wasn’t her father, and we were only human. But still we resisted temptation and respected her sister… until she cheated on me. Stef was furious at her for this and became cold to her. Much more affectionate to me, and right in front of her. This girl had grown stronger with me.
Then we shared a beautiful experience together. We made love without having sex. We used our bodies, arms, hands, lips, and words to express how we felt to each other. Up til this point, as you said, she never communicated how she felt verbally. But it was obvious when we were together how we felt. When we laid in bed in each other’s arms it’s like the whole world got blocked out. All our problems went away and all that existed was each other and how we felt atm. When our bodies rubbed together it felt like we both ate an E pill, I swear. Crazy chemistry. Those feelings that were once innocent, that she was safe in these arms, that I wasn’t going anywhere, all the sudden became very sensual things. When extreme physical attraction and hormones piled on top of them. And in the end she was always going to be that little girl to me. I was incapable of hurting her. I absolutely adored her. It was a set of circumstances regarding how we met and grew together that was like hitting the lottery, that created a powerful cocktail. And I was older, in my early-mid 20’s at the time. So that appealed to her, needing a daddy. But I never allowed us to do anything sexual together. Just sensual, intimate, affectionate. In essence nothing breaking the law. Kissing on the lips, and no tongue, no more than a father would kiss his little girl. Usually just on the forehead and cheeks. But when we were sharing that beautiful experience she seemed she was halfway to climaxing without doing anything sexual at all. Like her mind, soul was climaxing. Like I said, a powerful cocktail. I’ve never had anything like it since, and honestly not sure any humans ever had or will again. The experience completely changed her overnight to a woman. Strong, fierce even, protective of me, especially around her sister. Telling me she wouldn’t let her hurt me again. Wouldn’t back down from anything, or let anyone tell her what to do or think about us. Her glow was now like high beams. And we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Though again, nothing sexual. I was going to wait until she was 18. We had everything planned out. And we agreed to communicate and be honest and open with each other now. It was obvious to everyone. Her aunt came over with her niece and nephew, and she was so good with them. Looked like a mother. As I told her that night, I was completely falling for her now. She was the one putting her arms around me now, a grown man, saying she’d take care of me.
I wasn’t being completely cold to Lin. I forgave her, but didn’t forget. I was there for her, but anything serious was lost. I knew turning my back on her entirely would destroy her. Their mother, let’s call her Paul, was driving me home one day. My car was in the shop. Both sisters were in the SUV, in separate rows. I had to choose who to sit with, and went to Stev. Had I not I know she would’ve flipped. But things came to a head anyway. Paul didn’t know what all went on, and was used to seeing her and I affectionate. But Stev got especially so with me in the car. Her mom looking in the rear view and seeing it, and Lin looking devastated, says to Stev… “you know that’s your sister’s boyfriend right?” She replies, “not anymore”. Mom then says “do you think it’s okay to just steal your sister’s bf like that?” Stev replies, “maybe she shouldn’t have cheated on him then”. Lin yells out “I did not!” “Oh you did so sis, he wouldn’t lie to me”… she’s right, btw. I never lied to that girl. There were no ulterior motives between us. The concept didn’t even exist in our universe atm. The mom was like, omg… when did this happen? The sister’s are arguing and the mom just says “I’m not having this! Stev, sit up front here” She says “No! I love him mom.” I told her not to disrespect her mother and do what she says. I didn’t, however, tell her to let her mother tell her how and what to think or feel about us. That’s our business. But I wish I’d said that out loud now. She sat up front, but kept turning to look back at me.
It was obvious her mother laid down the law by the next time I talked to her. Got in her head. Told her what we had was wrong, creepy… but that glow, which is the light of God testifies otherwise. It doesn’t lie. That glow is there when girls are very in love, have babies (love and creation), or are still innocent (uncorrupted). The latter glow left when her father died. When I came into her life she lit up again. If what we are doing is in accordance with God, who are you, even the mother, to say anything? And we knew what we had and felt wasn’t wrong. But the brainwashing was strong. Perhaps Lin threatened to self harm/cut herself again, which she was doing when I first met her. And at intervals threatened to do again if I left entirely. The mother could have even threatened to call the cops if she didn’t back off. Even though nothing we did was illegal or crossing the line at all. These were pure feelings.
When I came over again Stev was more stand-offish. And it was obviously killing her. It was like she had a loaded gun to her head. On top of that an albatross descended upon the house. We’ll call her Ang. A “friend” of Stev’s from FL. Before this girl even got there she made it clear she had no respect for their family or herself for that matter. Stev told her about me, but said I was her sister’s bf. Described me as 25, tall, very good looking, very nice, etc… She was like “yeah right, your sister has a bf like that?” Didn’t even believe it. Stev sent her a picture of me via email. She said, “if he’s there when I get there I’m “screwing” him… for lack of a better word, whether she likes it or not. Stev brought this up and they all have a conference with me, their brother too (yes, there is one), we’ll call him Lee. Now Stev knows I’m not like that, but I guess they all want to hear it from me. Funny how they didn’t confront her about it. Or better yet, tell her to stay in FL. Instead she comes and Stev decides to make besties with this girl. Great idea… And is slick and a snake in the grass. They’re naive and not used to dealing with her personality type. I am. I saw right through her. She saw through Stev and realized it was us that was really in love. Not like it wasn’t obvious. She was getting revenge for Stev blurting out what she said about me, as it became a big deal (not by my making). And getting back at me I suppose for making her sexually frustrated that she couldn’t nail me. She had Stev going completely off the rails. I saw a split in her personality take hold. The dominant personality was like a mix of that stronger woman I knew, but mixed with a cold, distant, and more wild version that Ang helped create. The other personality like a former version of her, that went back in her shell a bit. Didn’t communicate. Cried and was frail like she used to be. And desperately loved me. But that version of her was dying off slowly as obstacles got in our way. Sometimes when she’d lay in bed with me she’d seem high/stoned. Glassy eyed and like she was in a fog. Even though right beside me, like she wasn’t even there. I told her to just get lost and she did, as if she didn’t even care. Another time she was with me and trying to be really affectionate. But it clearly just didn’t feel the same. She got up and ran out of the room crying. Neither of us said a word. She knew what we had was gone.
We got in our first fight after over 3 years. The day after she wanted to take our relationship to the next level, sexually. I declined, “orally”, if you get my drift. I’d rather not go to jail thank you. Explained that’s not what our relationship is about. The timing wasn’t coincidental. She was frustrated, and confused. And I get that. She did something to violate our trust when she was angry. Nothing like cheating, but it got her mom to not trust us anymore either. She thought LilLin got in our way and blamed her somehow. Acted like it was over an outfit, but they were best friends, no way she offs her over that. To hurt her she told her something I was about to tell Stev… that broke her heart.
I told Stev I couldn’t believe what she did. That I assumed she must have been ready to part ways with me to do something like that. That I didn’t even know where to go from here. I was ready to walk out, and she hung on my leg and was crying. Literally stopped me. She said she was sorry she was just so angry at me, and did it without considering anything first. Like you Matt… 1 fight, and she acted like she was ready to end everything. Until I actually went to walk out. The fact was this girl still adored me but was being pulled in different directions, especially by Ang. Different personalities even emerging. It’s important to realize first that she completely transferred both the responsibility and trauma from her father’s death onto me to move past him. She did it at the time as an absolute means of survival. But I think it developed a bad trait in her. She thinks she can just move on to the next person that walks through the door if need be. And can do it with cold precision now. I had a feeling, even then, she’d have huge trouble with commitment. And as of now, 13-14 years later, I’d say that’s dead on balls looking at her present situation, with 2 kids, still unmarried. I knew she’d need kids to feel complete though. I pretty much predicted how things would turn out for her after I left. I saw it coming and even warned her. I hope that kid is not still looking for me again. But then part of me hopes she is too. I’d absolutely be a part of her life if the girl I loved was back… not the version that was left when I left for good. That girl and I were pure fire together. I saw some pictures on FB, and KNOW that girl is still in there. I know what to look for. One of the pictures, I feel, was even meant for me to see that. Something I’d notice that others wouldn’t about her… a look on her face. She left a quote on Myspace long ago I thought may be å cry for help too. But I was tired of the mind games by then. Like if I tried biting on it she’d be too proud to admit it was about me anyway. I told her plainly that I’d always be there for the girl that loved me. She tried saying she never loved me though at the end… such is the impasse. I replied: “umm… you realize I was there right? Therefore you can’t convince me of that. Or are you so disconnected from that girl by now that you honestly don’t remember it?” She was really screwed up after her father… then more so after me. But I tried to do everything I could to not let that kid down. Hell, if we’re talking about the same girl it’ll be painfully obvious to you now and you’ll probably remember me, and know how I went to bat for that girl. And how much she adored me. You can call me “N”… or Stevie Nicks if you prefer… my favorite artist.
What broke her heart was 2 nights later after the incident where she hurt our trust. She climbed into bed with me and put her arms around me as she’d done many times before. I pushed them off. She wrapped them around me tighter and I turned away and sat up on the side of the bed, back to her. She got up and walked in front of me, forced me to look her in the face and said, “what?!” I said how did I know she wouldn’t run and tell her mom what we were doing right now, and exaggerate it? That’s what she did. She had the look of regret on her face at first, but it was about to change to the look of someone having their heart ripped in half when I added… “I don’t know if I can trust you anymore kiddo. And once you lose someone’s trust it’s hard to get back.” I didn’t even realize at first how powerful what I said was. But trust was the most important thing to her. We both worked hard as hell for it for over 3 years to get to the point where she no longer thought I’d leave her. The look on her face was as if someone had just told her she had terminal cancer. I’d been through a lot with this kid, but I never saw her like this. Her eyes got huge and started filling with water. Lips trembling. Turned and went to run in to her room obviously ready to break down. I caught up with her in the hallway and put my arms around her. She was in the midst of one of those massive cries where slobber is flying out of your mouth. I’m telling her I didn’t mean it, even though it obviously had merit. Anything to make her feel better. And it occurs to me that it may be the first time I’ve ever told her a lie, even a little white one, after over 3 years. That’s what we had. But I guess after trust goes, what’s a white lie gonna matter, eh? Doubt it was coincidence. It was a sign. Then as if on cue another one… her mom opens her door and is like, “what’s going on out there?” And Stev wailed even louder then. Because her mom may as well have said, “yes you did mean it N”, now everyone’s trust is shattered here. Ours, and her mom’s towards us because of what she did. We both held onto each other knowing it wasn’t gonna be the same between us, at least as long as we were in that house. She may have tried cuddling up beside me a few more times, but it wasn’t the same. After that is also when she had a fight with LilLin over the “outfit”. What did she tell her?… That she didn’t trust her anymore. She wanted to hurt LilLin the way I hurt her. And it did hurt her bad. And now I feel like she wants to hurt other people that way too.
That was pretty much the last I saw of that girl. She clung to Ang and deteriorated, literally. That glow she had, all for me… extinguished. The light in her eyes too. She hardly ever smiled anymore. Even started to look rough. Like an empty husk of her former self. And I’d catch her in her room, with the door open, in her chair, looking down like she does when she’s miserable and thinking of good times with someone she lost. But she was too proud to admit it was me. I tried to help but she wouldn’t even let me in. Didn’t even wanna look me in the eyes, like she was ashamed. Like maybe if she told me what was really wrong I wouldn’t look at her the same way anymore. In reality I’d have been there for her, as always. Literally always, as in even today, and tomorrow. I’d waited for Lin to graduate HS too. Didn’t want to leave her til then, as she didn’t really have friends in school. Even got picked on she said. But knowing she had a hot older bf waiting for her at home (her words), made it easier to handle. Though she has revisionist history today that I was some horrible person, I was still there for her the entire time… everyone in that house, really. The last look I saw on Stev’s face was one of contempt before I left. She didn’t even know I was looking at her at the time, but I knew it was the last image I’d have of her in my head. I can see it right now. It showed zero respect or remorse towards me whatsoever, after all we’d been through. And I was her equal at the time, as I knew I was ready to walk out of that house and her life and never come back. Which I did. But I did let her know, via Myspace, that I’d always be there for that other girl/version of her that I was in love with… and her with me, if she ever ran into her again.
She tried calling me to get me to come over, like twice, but it felt like she was just asking for Lin and didn’t really care herself. I brought up tough issues, and she hung up. I called back and told her if she hung up again she was prepared to have me officially excommunicated from her life. These were things we had to work through if we were gonna have anything together anymore. Eventually I said something that hurt and she hung up. I never bluff…
Eventually, like a year later, I was talking to Lin again very briefly via Myspace. Stev friended me too after one of us blocked the other, don’t recall who. I basically told them it’s not like I stopped caring. If either really needed me I was there. If anyone ever ‘hurt’ Stev, I’d be there with a foot in someone’s azz. That dad in me still felt for the kiddo. Always will. But by then I had found a really nice girlfriend, more than my equal. Ironically this gf had a little sister too that had more than a crush on me. But a very unhealthy infatuation. I set boundaries really quickly, but she was a very crafty young girl. Literally a genius and I feared possibly a type A psychopath, no genuine emotion. This girl made stealing me from her sister a challenge/game. Heard me talk enough about my Lin & Stev to finger them on my Myspace. And began conversing with them… which terrified me. They never met a girl like this before. Not even Ang, or the dominant Stev personality now held a candle to her cold calculated manner. She basically built a psychological profile of Stev and started messing with her head. She blamed her for me not getting close to her. I apologized to Stev and talked to her a bit. Told her again I’d always be there, if “that girl” wanted me. It was around that time I saw a quote on her home page that seemed it could be a message from said girl. It said: “I wish everything could go back to the way it was”. In my heart I knew it was for me. But it should have been a PM directly to me then. I was well tired of mind games at this point and didn’t want to open up only to have her coldly say it wasn’t about me. Which I expected at this point. Yet always wonder… if I had reached out then?… what could have been? With it was a picture of her in her chair, looking down, like she does… when she’s thinking of me.
I stopped using social media shortly after this. And before long any ways of contacting me, phone #, email, IM, ect… had changed. And I was well busy and traveling the globe. There’d have been no way of getting ahold of me if anyone from my past even wanted to. When she turned 18 I started dating the type A psycho… at least she was very good to me, honest, loyal, fiercely protective. All traits I valued in “my” Stev. I mean, who knows if her emotions were ever real either?… Or did she just need me to survive at the time? Either way, I never before or since loved anyone like that. And I really would have, will even, be there forever for “that girl”, if she ever re-emerged and contacted me directly.
I know this is long, but I type fast. If it’s not the same girl, I fully deserve a “cool story bro”. But in case it is her you deserved a thorough briefing on just what made her that way and what her motivations may have been. Hearing you mention the Susquehanna raised my hairs. And it’s almost as if she wanted to recreate a piece of our time together with you. As a way of reliving it. Her sister actually did the same thing… vacationing to a spot I took her to, and she knows I frequent and have family at. Now even vacation property there. With her new boyfriend, and current husband even. It shows they aren’t over you. And I believe part of it is they aren’t over their dad still, and projected him onto me. I’m sorry you had to go through that, if it’s you.
P.S. – Do you have a twin brother per chance?…
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