From nothing. To someone. To a love one. To a loved one. And back to nothing.
You were one of the prettiest in class. I was in denial cause I used to say that I am the prettiest. But really, you were. Your friends were not my friends. I am the bully, and you were the victim. We started as two totally different people. It’s really surprising what high school did to us. We got closer and closer as our class sizes become smaller as we move up. I made efforts for you to notice me. And I succeeded. You loved my sense of humour. I couldn’t be happier in June of 2008. Finally, you were mine. And I was yours.
We went to the same university cause we want sight of each other all day everyday. We both took the same program. We were happy. Everyday was honeymoon stage until my family had to move. We decided to keep it going. After highs and lows, on and off and on again, we managed to last for 8 years..until we parted ways in 2017.
Yes, it was my fault for provoking you. For leaving you first time and time again. I was too complacent. I was too comfortable. I trusted you so much because you said you won’t leave. I expected that you won’t leave because I was sure of myself that I won’t. I forgot that you were vulnerable. You got tired. As I said in my last letter to you, you were my strength. But I sucked it all out.
A year and a month has passed. Lots of nursing empty bottles, late night drive to friends’ houses just to confide, cry and find comfort, solo driving to far away places just to think and escape for a while. I remember this time last year, I was in my lowest. We were newly broken-up. I was begging for you to comeback. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I was thinking of just leaving everything behind forever because what’s the point of living if all you’re living for is gone?
You didn’t want the relationship anymore. I wanted it. So bad. But as they all say, time heals all wounds. Plus a little mental therapy would help.
“We are not meant for each other”.
“What you miss is not the person, but the routine.”
“So you thought you loved her so much? You thought the relationship was perfect? How much more when you finally meet the right person? Just imagine how perfect it would be.”
“Out of sight, out of mind.”
“It happened because His plans are not our plans.”
“Every rejection is a redirection.”
Repeat until true. And it works. It’s all in our head.
I kept wondering, why is it so hard for me to let go? Why is it so hard for me to accept the current situation? I finally knew the answer. You were not only my partner. But you were my best friend. When we parted ways, we left behind what we built from the start. I lost my partner. But most of all, I lost my best friend. We’re not even friends right now. But I stay true to my promise, that whatever happens to our relationship, I will always be your best friend.
Your birthday’s coming up. And I am here, already on my second day trying to think what your new hobbies are now. You must be fond of water activities as posted on your social media. Last time we talked, I think you’re into boxing and fitness. I am sending you chocolates and cake on your birthday not because I wanted you back as a partner, but I just want you to feel that yes, I remember that it’s your day and I want it to be a little special. They say exes don’t become friends. But every rule can be bent.
Now, I can say that I am definitely happy to where I am right now compared to the first 6 months. I am making new routines for and with myself. I am slowly but surely picking the pieces back up. And I continuously pray to God to fill the void in my heart, and accept the things that I cannot change.
In the words of one of my favourite singers, Sam Smith, which I listened to when I was being sadistic, “I love you but not in that way”. And my most favourite line of them all, ” Real love was never a waste of time.”