I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Every time I’d find myself escaping the thoughts of you, your name would appear on my phone in some fashion, which would absolutely ruin my day.
You DM’d me to “enjoy” Warped Tour. Did you know that by doing that, you inadvertently made it impossible for me to enjoy that day. Everywhere I looked after your message, I saw your face. Everyone I walked by was you in some way. Every boy wrapping his arms around his girl’s belly was the ghost of you and me.
But in reality, you’re so far away. Not just in physical distance (although that is also the case) but in emotional distance as well. Even when we were together, you kept yourself locked away in a little box. On the rare occasions that you would take out the key to open that box, I saw a part of you that I think very few people have seen. And that is what tethered me to you for so long. I felt I understood you in a way that others did not. I justified the way you would *often* speak to me because I took the secret things I knew about you and put them above my own self worth.
I begged, BEGGED for our friends to forgive you, to trust you, to trust that you won’t hurt me again. Begged to the point that they almost gave in. But just when I was about to have it all, the life I wanted with you and the friends that were learning to forgive and forget, the office space, the space for Gracie, the morning coffee, the moonlit wine, the backyard movie nights, the dances in the kitchen, the goofy bedroom pillow talk, the long drives sharing music, the late night phone calls while you’re away, the love that I had craved for a year with you, the love that I deserved to have from you, it was all ripped away from me in the moment that you said you couldn’t help but to picture your life with someone different (along with an allusion to “gorgeous Fijian women”). In that moment, you ripped out my heart, you tore out the rug from under me and you stole away the life I had planned.
I see now that this is for the best. I see now that the life I had planned would never have been the way I had hoped for. I know now that I can no longer justify your behavior. I know now that you never loved me, you felt pressured into a life with me, and that you would never have changed. Every time you gave an inch, you took away a mile. And that fight would never stop, no matter how much unconditional love I gave you.
I wasn’t always sunshine and daisies, I know that. I could be mean, I could be fired up, I could be negative. But you probably never even noticed that each time, I fell more into my own self. You had referenced the fact that I “stressed you out” several times over the course of our relationship. So every time I felt any negative emotions, I felt I couldn’t tell you. I felt I had to bottle them up. But over time, they seeped into my blood stream and out my pours and somewhere along the way I lost the sunshine and daisies.
But you only know how to talk about yourself. I cannot even begin to count the number of long nights listening to you talk about your work problems. I’d listen to you talk for hours, sometimes holding onto the hope that you’d ask me about my day, but eventually giving that up. In the rare moments you did ask about how I was doing, I’d never divulge details so as to not “stress you out”. I’d just say, “it was good”, “It was long”, “it was tiring”, and then put that part of the conversation to bed.
I’d pick up every time you called, sometimes well over 10 times a day, to ask small questions about which pillow you should get, or if you should get the speaker you’d been eyeballing. I’d pick up when I was at work, with friends, busy in some way or another. I’d pick up, talk you through whatever was going on in your head.
Now the phones not ringing. The silence actually hurts. It’s funny that even though the nuisance is gone I would kill to hear the phone ring.
I don’t know how or why you have the effect on me that you do. But it’s got to be over now.
And that’s why I blocked you.
That’s why we won’t speak for a long time, if not ever again.
I need to move on and enjoy my life without waiting for your call.