Its June 24th and tonight I went a little crazy, and its like something just clicked in my head. I always thought of how I was scared of losing people I love but it never really dawned on me how much until tonight. I got so incredibly angry, I almost lost my voice .. it was in fear of not knowing someone was safe, the uncertainty of everything. Im sitting here thinking of how damaged I am by everything in my past life and i just dont want to lose anyone else.
Being honest with you now, I dont have the same feelings I once did, I think it was all the ways you disappointed me, it just did it for me in the end. I will always respect you, but i dont love you anymore and I know for certain that now. What i realised people come and go and its hard, so hard but life goes on. Its just when you love someone, you really do and thats constant with family and friends but relationships change and we changed as people. We were either going to grow together or part.
Im in the place where I know I want you to find someone else, Id literally set you up with someone if i could, I’m that comfortable now. i dont want to sound mean because i really respect you but i have to be honest, who am i if I’m not. I try my best but I know who i am now, I spent so long trying to figure it out, i changed for you, but it wasn’t who i was. Im this shy person who loves art and music and culture and exploring and being free and watching sunsets and i realised the other day I want someone just like that. I dont know for certain if you even liked the things we did together but i always liked to believe you did but maybe you just did all of that to make me happy and if so I’m sorry. When i was with you, all i felt was pressure, total pressure, I’m not an extrovert like you, I’m not trying so hard like you. I dont really know even what you like.. I fell to be your shadow and it tore my self esteem, even now, I still find it hard but I know what i want now, i know who I am and for so long after we broke up, I used social media to get likes to make myself feel better, i talked to so many people i didnt care about just so they would think I’m nice, i felt immense pressure, some became my friends but that wasn’t me, I’m not that person, I really just need to be me again. Im sick of how the world works. but as much as now even sometimes I struggle talking to people because I just dont want people knowing me, but i talk to so many people daily in life with my job, it grew my confidence sky high but ill always be an introvert, but ill always take on a new experience, i live for life, its just i know relationships change people, my first relationship did initially mess with me and thats when I did lose myself and lost myself more with you.
Ill never ever be perfect, ill always mess up but I just found myself, and all i want is to be happy and if you must know i found my happiness and that has helped me find myself. I just needed someone to make me realise and to forget all the fake.
i hope you find it too.. I’m sorry but i know now we were a mistake and that we will never need to talk again. Thank from the bottom of my heart for everything you did that was real. I really dont know if you ever loved me but if you ever did , even for a second, thank for seeing something in me. I did love you and always know there was a time when you meant the world. We just weren’t right for each other and Im sorry for hurting you the way I did. Im sorry I just dont love you or see you that way anymore.. and for everything I never thought would get over someone i loved so much but I did and I hope any reading this realised that no matter how much you love someone and think you’ll never ever get over them, you will, and this is proof that you do , and the right person is all you need even if you think you already found them, trust me.
Im so sorry for hurting you,
Take care and please always remember you are amazing, and any girl will be so lucky to have you, please never give up hope,
I better go now, life awaits.
bye