To my first boyfriend

To my first boyfriend

To my first boyfriend


I didn’t know love until I met you. I didn’t know heartbreak until I lost you. I didn’t know emptiness until I knew you. Your twisted expectations terrorized my mind for four years. You could make or break my self-esteem with one look or one phone call. You made me obsess over being who you wanted me to be. You made me hate being me. I can still feel the scars you burned into my heart after you left me. I was drowning and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep my head above water long enough to catch my breath. You drained nearly every ounce of life from my body and then left me out to die. But that wasn’t enough for you? It never is for sadists… You had to come back and give me hope. Why? So you could destroy me all over again?

Once you came back to me, It felt like I could breathe again. The night you met up with me, was the first night in 3 months where I didn’t cry myself to sleep. It is true, you were a little better the second time we dated.. or so I thought at the time. Remember the night you told me you loved me for the first time? It took you 2 and a half years to decide that you loved me. I knew I loved you after 3 months.

Remember how two days later, you told me you cheated on me? “You told me you loved me the other night. If you really love me, then you’ll forgive me and stay with me. If you don’t, then it wasn’t real love on your part.” I’ll never forget that you said that. Those words, that moment, will stay with me forever. Remember how three months later, you told me that there were three other girls that you had cheated with? You begged me to stay….And I did stay a bit longer. But It wasn’t really me anymore. I became an empty shell of who I once was.

I don’t know how to make you understand this, but I couldn’t feel after that. I didn’t feel. I had anxiety attacks nearly every night. My body would shake uncontrollably, my arms and legs would go numb, my heart would pound faster and faster… but my mind would be eerily empty. It’s like my body was trying to wake my mind up from a deep sleep. I couldn’t think. It felt like my thoughts were racing and standing still all at the same time. I wasn’t myself anymore.

Remember how you tried to break up with me 3 months later because you said I changed? Ya, You changed me. You sucked out my life when you left me, but you stole my soul when you cheated on me. You destroyed me and when you decided that you weren’t happy with the aftermath, you just packed up your bags and left for a second time. I hate myself for trying to fight for you during those 4 short weeks. Why couldn’t I let you go? Why did you have such a hold on me? I couldn’t name one thing about you that I liked and I hadn’t been able to for nearly a year. I’ll never understand why I held onto you for so long, but I do know that it will always be one of my deepest regrets.

Now here I am, 5 months later, and still angry. On the bright side, I don’t feel empty anymore….but I don’t view life, men, or my future the way I used to. My once vibrant outlook on life is tainted by cynicism-I expect men to disappoint me, to dissatisfy me-I am disillusioned by the idea of a special marriage or a kind, future husband. You turned my naivite to suspicion and my dreams to disbelief. You broke my rose-colored glasses and introduced me to grief, anger, and distrust.

It enrages me that I wasted so much time and energy on someone as mediocre as you. But You were a lesson that I forced myself to learn. I don’t know what I want.. but whatever it is- it’ll be the opposite of you. So Quit texting me. You don’t have a hold over me anymore. I’m busy and your calls are a nuisance-Simply saying those 8 words and meaning them is one of my biggest steps forward in 4 years. I’m going to come out better this time, for the first time. You taught me a lot. I didn’t know strength until I met you. I didn’t know resilience until I dated you. I didn’t know relief until I lost you.


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