I think if you really loved me as a friend.
You should have had an open conversation with me about the situation in your side.
When you said we were gonna talk tomorrow, you shouldn’t have disappeared. You should have at least let me know you couldn’t talk. And I clearly knew you were hosting a party for another friend. That is even worse because you were prioritizing another friend.
You shouldn’t make the assumption of me sabotaging your friendship, which was totally not what I did. I had no clue what happened because I texted you and you didn’t respond to me for almost two weeks. And I needed to know what’s really going on.
We were gonna talk when your grandpa died so from my understanding, you have had your space. And after that, you were blaming me again for not giving your space. It was out of nowhere.
It makes me so angry. It is so unfair to me.
Sometimes the memory of us just talking on the phone and being supportive to each other will flash back on my mind. Sometimes I imagine in the future we’ll actually understand each other’s position and all the scars are healed. We will forgive and trust each other again. Sometimes I miss the night and many other nights when we were so close to each other even when we were so far away and I felt I could look through into your eyes.
Although I know that probably wouldn’t happen and there’s no reason to think about the future that is far far away, let alone that I have made my mind not to give it any power to this whole thing so I can move on with my life.
Maybe I just really thought I was the happiest when I was around you but that is a bad mindset. Clearly now I know I was horrible at solving a conflict, managing and analyzing my own emotions, and didn’t know what is a good relationship. As someone who is so insecure, I need someone who really likes me and tells me that all the time and I need to be more secure about myself.
But things happened and there’s nothing I could do about it. I will just let things be. And if you ever need me, I will still be here for you.
I guess I was depending on you too much to an extend that I was losing myself. That wasn’t about you either. It was more about myself. I need to learn to actually be independent.
I think before we dated, I had already got really insecure about our friendship. I felt we were not talking as often as the time before you came to my birthday and you were always busy.
I need a better support system, make more friends and actually think about how to build my career & personal life here in the states by my own. It will be a lot of trail and error. But it will be a stressful but fruitful journey.
Maybe someday when you move to Europe, you’ll actually understand how I felt when I first moved to America, how horrible a situation I was left by you and how hard it was for me to deal with that.
But good thing is that I learned a lot from this experience. I know I am the person who decide my own emotions, no matter how other people treat me. Of course it is sad when someone doesn’t react to my love or when someone I depend on just leaves. But I’ll always be able to make myself happy. I think I am gonna write a medium article about what I learned and help people to deal with dating with best friend and breaking up as there ain’t many recourses about that online.
I need to move on with my life. I need to focus on what I need to do and figure out how I want my life to be.