Dear A,

It took three years to realize what a betrayal I have committed against both of us. As a result, there is still no closure. 

Isn’t it what you wanted me to feel, my love?

So many questions are left unanswered. Were you the one I thought I knew? What did you really feel about me? You told me you loved me, but was it love? What is love in your opinion? Why have you become so distant and aloof after our meeting? Why have you chosen me in the beginning? Why haven’t we found a courage to discuss all problems together? 

Instead, we gave it up as it was nothing. I gave it up. You gave it up, didn’t you? I chose to move on and you didn’t seem upset. I thought it was the right and logical thing to do at that moment, but you had started to pursue me again after a while, as though nothing happened. Even though I started to live my new life with V. Did you really think that I would return to you, should you just ask me to? I have heart, my love, and you have already rejected me once, haven’t you? What if you wanted me only to reject later, again? 

Now I think that you might be either a person who is afraid to get too intimate, or simply a manipulator who adores to play with other people’s feelings. So am I. The whole thing was doomed to failure, because it was a toxic mutation of love. Or was it a simple misunderstanding caused by lack of communication, attachment disorders and long distance? 

I am searching for answers and I am afraid to know the truth. Did I escape a disaster or did I lost the love of my life?
I love you and I fear you, my baby. 

Greetings from the grey zone AND
Always yours,
N