I miss us

I know it’s been a long time and this is random but I figured that after three years of you still constantly being on my mind it’s time to grow up and own the feelings I have towards you. I’ve thought about reaching out to you more times than you know. I always think I just need more time to heal and get over you, or maybe it’s just because I haven’t found someone else. Even if that is the case, I think you deserve to know everything I’ve had bottled up inside of me for 3 years now.

Our relationship started with a horrible foundation of trust which is probably the biggest mistake, but that’s the past and I know I shouldn’t keep thinking about the past. It’s hard though. I always go through everything in my mind and try to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong, what I could’ve done differently. You were my first everything and truthfully, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I had never felt any kind of attraction towards anyone until I met you and I was obviously scared. I was manipulative and jealous and for that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was always so bad at expressing my true emotions towards you and being difficult to talk to when things got bad. They say people come into your life for a reason and maybe you came into mine to show me that I can’t act that way towards someone I love. 

I don’t know why I’m finally writing you this or what I expect from it to be honest. I just know that after three years of constantly still thinking about you everyday, nothing is going to change unless I let everything out. I’m writing this letter to you not for a response, but for myself. Because at the end of day, I’ll be okay with whatever happens knowing I’ve said everything I needed to say rather than to live with that “what if” feeling.

I am still attached to you, as much as I want to say I’m not, as much as I’ve tried to move on and forget about you, I can’t and I don’t know why the fuck you’re such an important piece in my life to this day. I wish things had gone different, I wish I didn’t compare you to every new guy I meet. But I do. I’ve tried to get over you and move on with my life, my mental health, my future. I’m happy with where my life is going. I just don’t know why I can’t move on from you. I never got to say everything I wanted and because of that I haven’t been able to let go. I want you to know that you will always be a huge part of my life and I will always love you. I truly wish you nothing but love and happiness.

1 Comment

  1. B 4 weeks ago

    It’s hard to forget when the impact is there and was that strong, when you’re 100% for someone, plan a life together, and it falls apart anyway, no matter how much you love them. I wish she could’ve said this to me and meant it, and that we could’ve actually worked things out, but even still, a lack of trust is lethal. 3 years later and I’ve never felt or loved nearly as much, it’s just not the same, even her number still floats around in my brain. Even today, I think about situations and conversations and how I could’ve handled them differently, knowing it has no effect on anything but my sanity. I hope this gets easier for you though, writing your thoughts out is typically better than keeping it all in, the bottle only holds so much.

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