Ryan,

I remember middle-school-you. The class clown with the annoying laugh. I can’t say that I noticed when you moved away in high school. I sure do remember reconnecting with you… Tall, incredibly handsome, unbelievably positive, and so easy to talk to. I fell in love with you faster than I could ever imagine. Those dress blues got me every time. 

See, I didn’t think you were interested at first. I was so happy to find out I was wrong and we all know I hate being wrong. We connected so fast and I was the happiest I had been in a long time. 

When you went underway we emailed several times every day. I had a special ringtone just for you. I just saw those emails today. I fondly remember when you called me while I was working because you barely got cell signal for that week at sea. And that night you docked early and told me you needed to shower and get gas but you were coming up that night because you couldn’t wait. I remember how excited and nervous I was to see you. Little did I know that cold November night would be the last time… except in mid December when I drunkenly asked you what happened and you simply said, “I fell for you and you lied to me”. Nothing more. 

Before you went underway, Freddy told me not to hurt you and I knew I wouldn’t. I didn’t know that you would stop talking to me all together. I didn’t know that you would be with someone else a month later. I didn’t know you could be so cold to me. I certainly didn’t know I’d still be hung up on this 8 years later. 

You’re married to the woman you moved on with after me. You moved across the country… I’m getting married in October. He’s amazing and I’m so lucky but a part of me wishes he was you. Part of me still has you idealized in my head. Part of me wishes I would hear that ringtone again and the message be from you. I want you to have the best life but part of me wants you to miss me. Part of me just wants answers I never got. And a part of me will always love you, Ryan. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is you really messed me up. I guess I’m a little confused. I hope to run into you one day and I hope I get closure one day because this hell is not something I wish upon my worst enemy. 

Always,
Ali