We broke up about a month and a half ago. Sometimes I think back to what we were doing even 3 months ago. I was asking you to move in. I was considering marriage. You felt distant. You knew you would leave soon. I didn’t know that.

I feel like an idiot for not noticing your distance. I feel like an idiot for not asking you what you were thinking. I feel like an idiot for not listening as well as I should have. I feel like and idiot for not doing every single thing I could to make you feel loved. I got too caught up in my own life and it cost me our relationship. I still can’t believe I lost you when you were and still are the only thing to bring me joy. And comfort. And love. And any meaning to my life.

When you suggested that we could be friends with benefits I was ecstatic. I thought this meant we were back together but you were too stubborn to admit it yet. You didn’t, but that didn’t keep me from convincing myself of that. So for over a month I have been torturing myself with this unrequited love. I buy you presents, make you paintings and playlists. I think about you constantly. I write you love letters to put in your second green book because I am so sure we will be getting back together. But we won’t. I have your body and your attention but not your love. It is so close yet so far to what I want.

I know I’m just hurting myself by continuing to love you wholeheartedly while you don’t feel anything close to that. I feel like all I know is loving you. You’ve been my reason for living for so long that now I am just left confused and hurting. I still love you and want you back. But I know you don’t. I wish I could just move on but I can’t. I literally can’t even leave my house. 

I wish I didn’t love you so much. I wish I didn’t need you. I wish you were no longer my best friend. I wish you weren’t the funniest person I know. I wish you weren’t the only one to check in on my well being. I wish everything didn’t remind me of you. I wish I didn’t think about you all day and night. I wish you weren’t the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I wish I didn’t want you back. I wish I didn’t need you. I love you.

I hope this pain is over soon because I can’t handle forever.

Even after writing and talking to you about how I need to move on and that there isn’t a chance, at least for these four years, for us to get back together I’m already counting down the days for you to come back to Portland. I am already counting on you not finding someone else and getting back together with me. I’m already excited to tell people about how this break showed us how much we really do love each other and that we were meant to be. But you just told me you didn’t love me. And my next chance to have you is over four years away. And you could be with someone else by then. Or we could be dead. 

I just love you and want you now.

Why is moving on so hard?