Looking much further now, i can’t seem to figured out how things didn’t always come my way. While it such a big question to me how could a person who used to have an impact to me chose to shattered my heart into pieces.
I used to write every single details in my journal every damn time i am happy about something; reminiscing the good old times, the collected bliss moments and how involved all those stories with my first love. Some may filled with life events that was happy and yet there is a another side of story i can’t continue anymore.
It is still clear to me how he suddenly changed, how my words i put in details turned to be weapon that could hurt me in the end. His sudden transition in giving me the assurance and special treatment into slowly fading his sincere intentions and invalidating my emotions. It’s just sad how one day he meant the world to you and then just like that ~baam!~ he’s freaking done with you.
I’ve composed him into words that actually satisfies me, all of those words i thought he was. I used to describe him with so much feels, I realised that i was actually fell in love with the idea of him but was too blinded by truth on how he made me questioned my worth. From the moment that my words doesn’t reflect the actuality, i knew something was going wrong. I just stopped writing about our relationship. And so when the reality set back, just like that, i fucking lost it.
I kept asking myself, what did I do to deserved all of this? why me? My world has been peaceful but then he entered my life everything turned upside down. i never asked for this.
How could he still emotionally consumed me? Why couldn’t i just forget him like he did?
I hate the fact that im still here, even the fact the he emotionally damaged me, it still fuckin affects me, i still thought about how much i felt defeated.
How much it’s unfair to know how unbothered that person is right now. There isn’t a day without thinking all those things that happened between us and how much i felt down on how easily i was forgotten just like that. it’s been a hard process to me how unfortunate it is to ever loved a person who has could possibly change of heart, because god knows i wouldn’t ever do that.
It’s unfair and i hate the fact that he’s still relevant to me. i always wanted to make an impact to someone; little did i know i was doing it for someone else.
If only i could turn back time — i’d always go back to time where i never got to know his existence. My heart could’ve been at peace and my life could’ve been hurt less, at least.
Yet after all, I may not be able to fill that void, at some point, im still grateful for the experience and how much i’ve grown for the life lessons and such.
What matters in the end, this experience made me figure out how important self love is. Capturing all those times i felt hopeless when 2am hits, the sad songs, heartaches and goodbyes will all make sense sooner or later. Because after all, I wouldn’t know what i really deserve if i didn’t take risk for love at all.
Hang in there self, everything in time, you’ll find a love that fuckin lasts.