Hey

It’s been two years, two years which have changed us both. My dad died, we went through a global pandemic and we’re still recovering. God knows what you’ve done through. There are so many things I have realised and so many things I wish I had told you when we were together. So, as I can’t message you, here goes.

I’m in treatment, actual proper treatment. I’ve learnt so much about myself and my illness, I have BPD, the same as my Dad which is terrifying. It killed him. Through that diagnosis I learnt about how I approach relationships, both platonic and romantic and I see how wrong it is. If I’m being honest throughout our relationship I kept breaking up with you because I was terrified that one day you’d wake up and finally see that I was not worth it, not worth the pain and the constant rollercoaster I seemed to be on. I felt so insecure, I was sure that you were just dating me because you knew I was easy. I’d date you, I’d love you and you’d get everything you wanted. Almost everything. I realise now that you didn’t get the one thing you wanted… Me.

I was terrified in all honesty. You had so much control over me, you had my heart and with a few words you could break me into tiny pieces and I hated it. I was vulnerable, you were my kryptonite in a way. I was so in love with you, gods it actually hurts. I was so terrified of what other people were going to say, think and how they would react. My friends made me feel like I was stupid for loving you, but they didn’t know you like I do… did. So many times I’ve almost messaged you and told you how sorry I am, how much I regret leaving you. 

I hope you know that I don’t regret you… I would never.

I’m sorry.