Dear D

It’s been a month and there are no words to describe the feeling of your absence. After six years I decided that it was enough, that I couldn’t go on no matter how much I loved you… how much I still do. We found each other at a concert, you were a stranger next to me and said something funny. I laughed and we started talking, that night will remain in my heart forever. We started a journey together, I got on a plane alone for the first time in my life to meet your family, your country, to share experiences together. We were so happy, love. I hope you never forget those moments because I know I won’t.

The first time you saw me wearing a dress, just a simple dress, there were tears in your eyes. You were so happy to be with me, to have fallen in love with me, and I thought I had found the one. Our first years together were messy. You had too many issues and I was there to save you, “my angel” you used to call me. I will never regret being there for you, but I forgot what boundaries are for and I was so in love that I didn’t care. I just wanted you to be as happy as I was. I realize now that it was never my place to fix you, you were supposed to that yourself with me by your side.

Years passed and your personality shifted. You were a loving partner but hurtful. You would get mad at the difficulties of your life and took it out on me. It was never my fault, babe. I know you know that now, but it’s too late. The things you said to me hurt my self-steem so I started therapy. You made fun of that and I began to realize that maybe you weren’t who I thought you were.

The big issue was that you made fun of my family all the time. You started to say mean things about my mother, the person that I love (and loves me) the most in the world. I sat down and told you that it was wrong: “it’ ok to dislike her, but please don’t disrespect her” I would say. I guess words were never enough for you to understand.

Last night you wrote me. You needed a number I had saved so we exchanged a few words, and you slipped an “I miss you”. If you only knew how much I miss you too, and my fingers and throat burn with the need to say it back. To see you again, to hold you again. But I know I can’t. I know my pain, our pain, is temporary. Last time we saw each other you told me that I was the love of your life and, God, how I wish you were mine too. But you hurt me for years, I suffered so much and told you to stop but you just wouldn’t listen. In the end maybe you don’t love me as much as you think, you only loved having me around.

I took out all our pictures from my instagram account. Every time I see them I feel so sad and I just need to move on. I hope you don’t see it as insensitive, honey. I don’t think I’ll ever delete them because they mean so much to me. We grew up together, we were kids in love that shared a snippet of life and I’ll always cherish that.

I want nothing but the best for you. I hope you fall in love so deeply with the right person for you. You were the love of my life for six years, nothing will take that away from you, but now we are facing a new life. I hope you find someone to spend it with. I hope she makes you laugh as much as I did, even more. Thank you for loving me in your own way, even when it hurt, I’m glad I had the chance to love and be loved so deeply. 

You will always be a part of who I am today

N