My hardest goodbye

My hardest goodbye

My hardest goodbye

Dear D

It’s been a month and there are no words to describe the feeling of your absence. After six years I decided that it was enough, that I couldn’t go on no matter how much I loved you… how much I still do. We found each other at a concert, you were a stranger next to me and said something funny. I laughed and we started talking, that night will remain in my heart forever. We started a journey together, I got on a plane alone for the first time in my life to meet your family, your country, to share experiences together. We were so happy, love. I hope you never forget those moments because I know I won’t.

The first time you saw me wearing a dress, just a simple dress, there were tears in your eyes. You were so happy to be with me, to have fallen in love with me, and I thought I had found the one. Our first years together were messy. You had too many issues and I was there to save you, “my angel” you used to call me. I will never regret being there for you, but I forgot what boundaries are for and I was so in love that I didn’t care. I just wanted you to be as happy as I was. I realize now that it was never my place to fix you, you were supposed to that yourself with me by your side.

Years passed and your personality shifted. You were a loving partner but hurtful. You would get mad at the difficulties of your life and took it out on me. It was never my fault, babe. I know you know that now, but it’s too late. The things you said to me hurt my self-steem so I started therapy. You made fun of that and I began to realize that maybe you weren’t who I thought you were.

The big issue was that you made fun of my family all the time. You started to say mean things about my mother, the person that I love (and loves me) the most in the world. I sat down and told you that it was wrong: “it’ ok to dislike her, but please don’t disrespect her” I would say. I guess words were never enough for you to understand.

Last night you wrote me. You needed a number I had saved so we exchanged a few words, and you slipped an “I miss you”. If you only knew how much I miss you too, and my fingers and throat burn with the need to say it back. To see you again, to hold you again. But I know I can’t. I know my pain, our pain, is temporary. Last time we saw each other you told me that I was the love of your life and, God, how I wish you were mine too. But you hurt me for years, I suffered so much and told you to stop but you just wouldn’t listen. In the end maybe you don’t love me as much as you think, you only loved having me around.

I took out all our pictures from my instagram account. Every time I see them I feel so sad and I just need to move on. I hope you don’t see it as insensitive, honey. I don’t think I’ll ever delete them because they mean so much to me. We grew up together, we were kids in love that shared a snippet of life and I’ll always cherish that.

I want nothing but the best for you. I hope you fall in love so deeply with the right person for you. You were the love of my life for six years, nothing will take that away from you, but now we are facing a new life. I hope you find someone to spend it with. I hope she makes you laugh as much as I did, even more. Thank you for loving me in your own way, even when it hurt, I’m glad I had the chance to love and be loved so deeply. 

You will always be a part of who I am today

N

1 Comment

  1. FRANCOIS MAIORANO 2 months ago

    Dear N ,
    your letter crawled under my skin for two reasons, i feel you but i feel him too:-/
    i TELL YOU WHY
    i was your Ex, i was the one that starting to love the first time in my life ( even though i had relationships before and strongly believing that i already had my big love) as much as he did BUT i couldn’t handle it
    after a while i felt like loosing control , nothing i did intensionally but i started hurting him i started negging, started to devaluate him ,i did not listen to his needs, i brushed them off by telling him his point of view is nonsense, i was mean , egoistic , selfish and all of what you would not ever imagine to do to someone you deeply love.
    My ex loved me so intensely , i never felt so loved but this love encountered old wounds , it confronted me with my demons ,parts of myself i never wanted to accept , it confronted me to what i had learned that if i do loose control i will be facing again this pain i knew from childhood on , to be left alone , Sometimes you love someone so much that you know this feeling can kill you especially the longer you are together with this person. i tried to scare him away i tried to do my best to somehow combine my love and despair to win over the control.
    i did not see how i destroyed his self-esteem i did not see in how much pain he was not because of ignorance but because i was fighting inside myself this fear to loose him , i painted black.
    Finally he did what you did
    he let go
    despite the pain
    and it took me a while to start reflecting , i go to therapy, i take meds , i feel terrible because i did terrible things
    since 22days we have no contact, he blocked me without me even reaching out to him. i miss my soulmate , i do new things try new stuff but i feel like there is a huge void and thats him, i smile and laugh but i confront myself with what i did and that is tormenting, i never learned so much about myself as i do with the loss of him, and there is so much i would like to tell him , so much i must say sorry for because i can feel him , like i do feel you dear N.
    I wrote tons of letters to myself and him, i will never send . i accept his boundaries but it’s hard actually the hardest thing i ever endured
    the first time in my live i see myself as what i am
    i feel like a monster
    i feel like a creep
    and i try my best to heal and forgive myself for destroying the best thing the closest to love i have ever been.
    right now i don’t see any good i have ever given him, i only see the pain i inflicted
    22 days of silence, 9 weeks of past breakup and his soul and voice is so loud inside me.
    i am glad i found this site
    i am glad i found your letter.
    i hope my answer may be somehow make sense.
    sincerely Francoise

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