‘Mor’, that’s the way we used to call each other so no better than start addressing this to you…
Mor, back then when we started seeing each other I felt like nothing could stop me from loving you because we got attached so fast we could break all the things keeping us apart as a reckless rocket flying into the sky could break anything in its way, you used to tell me I was special and never met one like me before. You said I had that spark you haven’t seen in a while and I believed every word you said. I still do believe the things you said to me in the beginning because I felt the same way about you, you were everything I ever asked for but we weren’t meant to be.
When you asked me that night if I wanted to be your boyfriend I froze, I told you I needed to think because we had just met and I was so afraid to give you anything rather than my body because I didn’t want to get hurt, but seeing the man I’ve asked to God asking me to “get serious” with him made me think of a house in the hill and us walking our son-dogs in the street and all of the fun couple things I’ve pictured my whole life, so in the morning I said “yes”.
Being with you was the most exciting but irrational thing I’ve ever done. The thrill of seeing you in secret, the fear of being caught because, by the way, I was in the closet yet so lying to my mom was a constant during our relationship but for the first time I felt understood because of you and your support.
Time went by, we got to know each other better and I could almost say you regretted asking me to be your other half because your body was saying so while your mouth was saying I was delusional but then you traded me for your stupid computer games you’d rather spend the night up playing with people you never met than having sex with me.
That raised questions you never answered because every time I tried questioning you you’d say I was throwing a tantrum over something matterless while talking about your amazing ex. So then I started getting suspicious I could smell the remaining love you felt for your ex, but you made me believe I was crazy in fact. You made me crazy jealous telling me about your adventures with the tons of other people you had sex with while I had to play with my hands at night watching you sleep right beside me after a night playing games with your virtual friends. Was it me? What the others had I lacked? Didn’t you think I’m attractive enough? Why were you so cold? Questions I’ll never get to know the answers.
I must confess I was kind of trouble too. I’m not easy to deal with and you were my first love ever, I didn’t know how a relationship worked (I still don’t) so I may have been a little intense in my feelings but I tried to fit your game. I gave you space and you didn’t seem to miss me at all, all you cared about was your best friend and my cousin Noah who is the most insensitive person I’ve ever known, I thought I could trust him and tell him the way I felt about us, but all he’s ever did was minimize my feelings and tell me I needed to grow up while I was hurt. And he used to tell you every confidence I shared in secret with him. You both are the same and I hope you rot together.
I knew I was alone, my mom already knew I was gay and was digesting the info on her own way, you, mor, were discovering a new way of avoiding me and my friends, well… I don’t have friends. I got so tired of trying that I just stopped, being with you was now just painful and unpleasant and I guess that Sunday morning was the climax of our whole story, I mean nothing extraordinary happened but that was the last time we ever saw each other . You just woke up went for another photoshoot and I went home after waiting for you the whole afternoon but you never showed. Then I called you on your phone, we argued and we broke up. I know we’re not meant to be, but I still love you after all these years.