To Liam

What we knew of each other was a fantasy, but it still broke my heart. I knew on that last day so many years ago that I would never see you again and I think it was so much harder for me, but I felt I never really knew the truth about you. You just wouldn’t let me in and I tried so hard and committed so deeply to getting to know you. 
I feel like I failed to get you interested in truly knowing me. 
I was haunted for years, it took me a long time to heal. I embarrassed myself time and time and time again throwing myself at you. I hate that I didn’t respect your boundaries more and I hate that I don’t know if you led me on or if you felt burdened by me. 

I’m a proud person, and I gave up my pride again and again. It was always me who caved, me who laid myself bare, me who came over, me who invited you. And I could never tell if you wanted me to stay or go.
I got burned and tired of the game. To be fair it was a game I started as much as you continued it. And to salvage what was left of my dignity I refused to play anymore. I would never have tried to trap you into something you didn’t want. i hope you realize that. And I hope you realize I’m much more than that glimmering image of a hedonic sophisticate that you may have bought into. I tired of that too.

I do wish sometimes that we would have spoken clearly, without artifice, one last time. Then maybe I would know if the high was worth the low. I guess it was because the memory of you has become intertwined with feeling young – both helpless and ruthless and full of life and feeling. For that I’ll never truly regret falling for it all – the late nights talking, the mad seduction, the endless witty banter, the ghost of a friendship, the pain, the exhilaration, you.
I’m sorry I was too impulsive, impatient and reckless to see if our friendship could have been better than our romance (I’m sure you wouldn’t use that word for it). Because I’m sure you would have so much more respect for that woman. 

I still think of you but I’m healing – I have been healing for years. I’m a wife and I’m recently a mother and my life has shifted monumentally over the past years. I’ve always loved stability and commitment although I may have pretended I didn’t to impress you. Now I don’t ever pretend. I’ve always liked who I am and it’s kept me sane. I hope you’re happy and that you like who you are. I know your career is very important to you and I wish you the very best. I hope you like it where you are. And that you treat yourself with kindness. And I really hope you don’t heed your fears of being trapped, because it’s really not by chasing freedom that you live freely. Life has paths to take and experiences to offer, and you can only do so many before it’s done. Whatever you can do which is worth remembering and which makes you feel is a gift.

That’s how I’ll remember us and why I won’t forget.


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