Dear Ollie,

You were my first love, my first time, my first proper boyfriend and if someone had asked me how I’d felt about you 3 months ago I would’ve told them about how my world spun round your axis. 

You were also the first boy to cheat on me, the first boy to break my heart, the first person to hurt me so bad I thought I couldn’t breathe and if someone asks me how I feel about you I wouldn’t be able to tell them because it’s so hard to put into words. 

But I’m going to try:

I know you never meant to hurt me. I really do but you also never truly accepted that you had hurt me. You always assumed that there were never any consequences of your actions, that the way I felt about you was never directly affected by your actions. Losing you feels like someone has carved a hole in my chest and is squeezing my heart. But I can’t say I regret it because at least this time once I heal I never have to go through this again. See that’s how I felt every time you ignored me or brushed me off but even when I didn’t I was anticipating it, which was exhausting. It’s the same feeling as the morning I woke up to those messages. You are not a bad person but my god you did some cruel things. Lots of them were just down to naivety, a childish stupidity you haven’t quite shaken yet. In your defence, we’re only 17/18. That doesn’t mean I won’t hold you accountable for them but it does mean I understand you had no bad intentions. 

I love you with all my heart and I will never stop caring about you. Never. I hope you get all you deserve in life, I hope the next girl notices faster when you get sad, I hope she appreciates your drunk voice notes as much as I did, I hope she’s able to draw out those feelings you never could tell me, I hope you are happier. I made you promise me to take care of yourself when broke up and I really hope you do. I know I joked about moving on but I also hope you realise that moving on from you is going to be a slow process. I’m never going to forget about you. I’m glad you were so many of my (good) firsts because I wouldn’t have wanted them any other way. You made me feel safe. 

I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry we didn’t get to do all we had planned. I’m sorry I won’t ever show you my favourite movies, I’m sorry you’ll never meet my family properly and I’m sorry I won’t get to meet yours, I’m sorry I never got to show you the stars, I’m sorry we never got round to having shower sex ;). I’m sorry you felt like I ignored you, I’m not very good at knowing when to give space and when to hold tight. I’m sorry we fought so much at the end. I’m sorry I wasn’t always brave enough to tell you how I feel. I’m sorry you felt like we had a timer on our relationship because I’m moving for uni in September.

I still want us to stay friendly, at least whilst we can’t avoid each other. Falling out of touch with you will be just as hard as letting you go now if you know what I mean? At least now I’m not losing you permanently. I can still check up on you periodically- which I will do cause I’m incapable of stopping caring. You have to remember that you are surrounded by people who care about, who will definitely miss you, who want you to succeed but most importantly want you too be happy. And who knows, maybe in a few years when I’ve mellowed out and you’ve grown up a bit, we’ll run into each other again and I’ll convince you to break your no on again off again rule? Probably not but it’s comforting to think about isn’t it?

I am going to miss you so much okay? I’m gonna miss spamming you whilst you’re at work, I’m gonna miss hearing about you breaking yourself at tkd, I’m going to miss stolen kisses on the busway, I’m going to miss wasting my free periods wrapped up in your arms, I’m gonna miss ‘forgetting’  my jumper so I had an excuse to cuddle cause you were warm, I’m going to miss correcting your spelling, I’m going to miss getting dirty messages when you knew I was in lessons, I’m going to miss spending insets days taking advantage of your free house, I’m gonna miss telling you about grades, I’m going to miss teasing you about your friends, I’m gonna miss rolling my eyes and calling you ridiculous, I’m gonna miss getting my hands caught in your hair, I’m gonna miss hearing about your day, I’m gonna miss coming to find you in challenge when we both have work to do, I’m gonna miss staring into your eyes doing nothing but being. I am already missing you and we’ve been broken up for about 3 hours. 

I know this is the best thing for both of us. We grew, learnt and had a lot of fun in this relationship but it was time to move on. We just couldn’t avoid hurting each other. I love you. I love you so much and it hurts that I can’t tell you anymore. I love my birthday present even if I can’t wear it without crying.  Honestly, I have no idea how any one else is going to compare. 

Oliver, you will be one tough act to follow.

Goodbye, Love Caitlin xxx