A masterpiece

A masterpiece

A masterpiece

Hey there Erica. It’s been so long, I have been fighting with my heart, torn between reality and the dream, the dream it was the two of us married and holding each other’s hands as we travel life together raising our kids, well, kid but I would have been cool with more, and overcoming whatever life threw our way. That’s was my dream of us but it jumped track somewhere.

Maybe I wasn’t mature enough and made way to many mistakes. I’ll admitt I’m a slow learner , and maybe I gained weight and  “let myself Go” as you put it when we lived on Knowles road. For me that was the first big hit when I felt my heart sink and when the doorway into sadness first cracked opened, I remember trying to stay in shape, going the gym and how you were so against it because we were strapped financially, and how even that became a topic of Rob’s mistakes, the gym didn’t work out because I gave up after you became angry about me joining, right!!! After you told me I let my self go…at the time I just thought that you were worried about money , I didn’t understand what a narcissist was, I’d never heard the term, and probably wouldn’t have believed that you were one even if god himself had told me.

Ok let me rephrase that, narcissism isn’t cut and dried we all have those capabilities in us , but it’s those who are calculated that are truly hurtful and I’d never have believed you were, but you were… Now I’m not saying you are a bad person god knows I can name a million things that you are good at, and maybe it wasn’t that your even a narcissist maybe you were just not in love with me , and I couldn’t accept that.

I’d like to think that you loved me but now I don’t know. See when your standing close to something your perspective is skewed, but when time goes by and you can reflect that’s when things really jumped out at me , after you left, I didn’t get it at all maybe ? You had been sending up red flags from the beginning and I shrugged them off and said things like, (this is my fav)  “love lasts forever because your willing to give forever, no limit to it, if the other falls a million times you pick them up a million times endless love gets endless chances”. In fact I remember the time you asked me how I thought the older ones that had been together 40 or 50 years made it and managed to stay together. And that’s when the endless love gets endless chances popped into my head like god put it there. But I think god wasn’t trying to tell me to love you more he was saying – look Rob this is how it should be and this is how your marriage is… ffssst …..like an arrow past my head.

I’m sorry I didn’t take the hint, I’m sorry I was so naive and such a push over . You tried to hang on but you fell for, well,… the dude you are married to now. I don’t know when that started but I know it went on for a long time and it made you hate me more I could see you slipping away and no matter what I did I couldn’t stop it, like loosing your breath every time… you try to speak.. I remember the night you said Rob we need to Talk, and you sat there and didn’t say anything at all, you just kind of went silent like you were waiting for me to tell you what you were supposed to say, but I had no clue until later that night. I remember I had a bad nightmare and it woke me up from a dead sleep, feeling lost I think I was bawling in my sleep. And hugged you and held you close. I think that was the last time .

So I’m sorry – not because I fell for you – but because I didn’t see you unfalling for me. You said it to my sister Amy, you told her that you gave me 17 years and that was enough, it was time for you to live for you . I haven’t seen you since that day or talked to you. So this is just for you. I apologize for every argument, every tear you ever cried while we were married. you were the love of my life, I’m sorry I wasn’t the love of yours.

I have gone through a bad time after you divorced me. I lost my self esteem when I used to be sure of myself, I slipped into depression and contemplated suicide, stuck in a dark place like I was hurting my self for loosing you. I’m alright now, I forget about you long enough to forget I need to. I know you didn’t mean to do this, to hurt me this badly, you are walking your path, and it’s ok to change your mind. So I know this has all sounded like booo hoo, dude needs to move on. Do Dee Doo de dooo, but I am saying this for not just you to see, but for everyone to see and learn from it. So I’ll break it down clear and fair because while I listed some of my hurts, I haven’t listed my benefits yet. Renewing my strength through God is always tops but after that I’d say  first,  I got to be with the most beautiful lady I ever met for 17 years and raise a awesome son , second I am wiser now than before , third …….having trouble here… ok slipping in one JOKE.

I’m too old to really start again so I plan on lying through my teeth to everyone when I’m in the old folks home and saying we were happily married for 50 years and it’s because we gave each other endless chances. Then you went senile stole a Corvette and took off with a player claiming to be an undercover agent…..lol hehehe. Ok serious. After going through all that and coming out alive and still smiling and loving and forgiving , I am pretty sure that in the end I get ts.

So ELR go easy and know you are loved always. Thank you for staying for as long as you did . Funny my phone predictive text is trippin, it says in the end I get ts now what the….is that?…. ts……..Taylor …….Swift? I’m sure she will come around when she reads this, after all she did leave her scarf at my sister’s house, and her red wool coat with wood barrel buttons, and her shoes at my mom’s, ok she gave them to my mom…. lol. Ok so I’ll admit it, I’m sure Taylor has options other than me and after the newness wares off she will maybe stop baking treats as much because she won’t want me to get too fat. I’m looking for the impossible most would say but I’m calling it here on letter to my ex – that chick digs me and I dig her so there’s nothing too good for a good man …..ladies …..
don’t confuse that with perfect, I’ll leave that task to our kids, oh and Taylor last time I called I’d just been given a dose of some drink called worm wood ….


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