Letting off some steam

Letting off some steam

Letting off some steam

Got a long story up ahead. I just want to let some things off my chest, and share a bit if my life’s story 

My first ever girlfriend  (28) broke up with me 6 months ago. I (M,29) never had a relationship before her and due to my social anxiety and chronic depression never was able to even have friends, so when she contacted me and approached me first I was extremely relieved, knowing that someone out there was able to love me after all, despite my issues. 

We knew each other from our times at school, and parted ways 10 years ago. So when she contacted me, stating that she dreamed about me, I was bewildered at first. She was also my crush from back then, so I was very happy to finally come together, after all this time it felt like destiny. The relationship, unfortunately, did not last for very long. We were together for 3 months, and I was happier than never before. Finally I found the support I always needed, someone I can completely open myself to after always shutting me off from others. Those were the best 3 months I ever had. 

This being my first relationship ever, I had a lot of first times with her. And mistakes were made. But I was always assured by her, stating that everything was okay. 

We were somewhat long distance, living in cities an hour (by train) apart. But we still managed to spend our weekends together completely. We got along really well, always having fun and having heartfelt talks.

Then, her birthday came around. We celebrated it in private. We got drunk, did some stupid things and I said something rather unfortunate to her, in the heat of the moment. Realizing what I did, I apologized to her immediately, and everything seemed ok after that. We continued on to have a 3 day trip to the sea, staying at a cheap Airbnb. We had a good time, we were still happy. That was directly after her birthday.

Then , when I returned home, the next day. She said she wants to break up with me. And that she did. I continued to try and persuade her, to stay with me. We continued to text for a month, but then we quit, not because either said they want to stop, it just happened. 

Before Christmas I sent her a hand written letter, wishing her a merry Christmas and a happy new year. I also mentioned that I am going through some very hard times still.
My mother recently passed away from cancer, and I am devastated. Since she met her once, I thought it courtesy to inform her of my mother’s fate. Of course, she knew about my mothers illness, and she promised me back then to emotionally support me, to be there for me. She was my emotional support. So of course I fell into a deep depression when she cut me off.
I expressed my wish to see her again and talk face to face once more, on top of talking about my situation in life and how much I miss her. 

Today, she sent me a brief message on Insta, saying she doesn’t want to see or talk to me again. 

No condolences, no greetings, nothing at all. Just a cold, vast desert. 

I know now that it was a mistake to try and reach out to her. I opened up wounds that were just slowly beginning to heal up.

But I gained the knowledge, and some kind of relief, knowing that any hopes I had to reconcile were misplaced and that people are capable of causing tremendous pain when you don’t expect it. I knew her to be a caring person after all, and we both have a history of mental issues.

Maybe I can now move on… It will be difficult, she’s been in my mind almost every day since the break up and I still dream about her, and damn it I still love her. 

It is unbearable for me, to think about that we will never be a thing again. And that sucks. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open my heart again, like I did for her.

If you read all this, thank you. I have learned some thing new and found some closure by her treating me so coldly.


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