I don’t even know who I even miss.. what I really need or if i even miss you. H, i know that I cared about you a lot and I really did love you. It breaks my heart that we haven’t spoken in months. It breaks my heart knowing you’re probably with someone else. I was with someone else too, for two days, it didn’t last because I don’t feel safe with him like I do with you. My hand still misses holding your hand and I pretend you’re hugging me to fall asleep. I wonder everyday how you are and if you still think about it love me.

I was a jerk most of our relationship and I didn’t know what i really wanted. I saw other guys and it hurt you but I think I was just really really scared to admit how scary it was to have someone that actually cared about me for once. But what really hurt me was the fact that I was honest that I was confused and wanted to see other people but told you you were different and special, but you went behind my back and talked to other girls on tinder and lied to my face about it when I asked you and then basically blamed me for pretending to go on a date to make you jealous that one time. It made me cry so much. And then you went off to your cousins for eid and it made me spiral into craziness into wondering who you maybe talking to when you’re not talking to me. It killed me inside. I cried every hour. I didn’t give a fuck what your religion was but i used it as an excuse to argue with you because that was better than saying that I feel unwanted, ugly, insecure and like you don’t need me anymore.

My fears were proven right when you told me you don’t love me anymore. That truly hurt. When you came over to my house for the last time and got me a dairy milk, I hugged you one last time and regretted not kissing you for the entire night but I pretended I was over it in front of the family because I didn’t want to seem weak. I’m an idiot. I realize things way too late and I realized too late that I love you. I realized too late that I was a jerk. But I was NOT abusive like you said I was. I know how to take responsibility for my actions but I was not abusive. I was possessive and insecure and critical of you but I tried my best to be very understanding and accommodating. Just because I pushed you to be the best version of yourself and not waste your life being in bed depressed, I was scared you’d relapse. And I kept pushing for you to do something with your time so you didn’t think about bad things. I didn’t know how to word my concern. When I heard from you that you relapsed after our breakup, it broke my heart. It reminded me of the time I asked you to be my valentine and gave you that AA token.. I genuinely believed you’d stay clean forever and defended you every time anyone doubted it. 

Humza, I miss you. I miss our talks. I miss my friend. I know I need to let go but it’s been really really hard. I tried dating other people, I tried being alone too. Neither really works. And I know we can’t be friends either because I don’t see you as a friend. I never did. Whenever I see space related gifts, you are the first one on my mind. Anime? You’re the first one on my mind. I shovelled ice today and it reminded me of when you trimmed the grass after talking to my mom about us. It’s weird how the brain links one thing to another. Like if I saw you taking a shit I’d relate it to me taking a piss. It’s a bad comparison but yea, anyways, I’m emotional today… don’t mind me.

You know what, stop driving cars cuz you clearly get into too many accidents. I don’t want you to die this early. Not that I want you to die, I just mean like not when you’re not like at least 90. I still smile when I think about how you decorated my bed with roses and put up a mosquito net after my surgery and it fell on me and I got annoyed and you fed me waffles after. You were the only person that truly took care of me consistently and now that’s you’re gone, I feel a loss that I can’t really replace.

It’d be funny if you read this, I would never expect you to. I wished you a happy birthday but you didn’t even remember mine. I waited for you but you didn’t say anything. I thought I meant something but I didn’t mean anything. Not even a single happy birthday. You call me about your stupid lost shirt but not on my birthday. I’m crying the entire time I’m writing this and people say letting things out makes you feel better but I feel like absolute shit admitting this. I told myself I’d get over you but I still fucking can’t and I feel pathetic because of it.

Humza, I love you just the way you are. I just felt pressured to keep you in check to keep you clean and healthy. I don’t give a fuck if you’re rich or working, I genuinely don’t care. And I care even less about how your body looks but I projected the fuck out. I was the one that feels like shit about myself and my body and I hated myself for being so jealous. And I took it out on you because that was easier than working on myself. I had to make myself seem more secure and like I have my shit together but I’m a fucking mess too and I’m not perfect and I never was perfect. 

We’re both a mess but we loved each other once. At least I did. 

I have a question, why the fuck did you bring me my favourite chocolate on the day you last came over while your friend waited in the car?
If you didn’t love me, why show me that you care?
If you don’t love me, why call me randomly months after asking about a stupid shirt that I already told you I didn’t have over email months ago?
Was this an excuse to talk to me because you miss me or was it actually for the sake of doing it?

I miss you so fucking much. 

I love you. I hope you’re happy regardless of who you’re with. That’s extremely hard to say because I’m very petty and I want people to fucking struggle without me and pine over me but if you’re over me and you’re not in love with me, that’s not okay but it’s okay. I hope you’re happy. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. Please stay clean and happy. I love you H.

From H.