Dear Som,

4/15

I have been thinking about you a lot recently. Mostly because I have been blocking out the past 2 years of my life and suddenly these memories are flooding my brain. But also because I am working on getting over us. But today when I thought of you, I went for a walk around the neighborhood that I’m staying at here in Florida. I’ve almost felt paralyzed in my mind for months, unable to do anything except to survive my thoughts. I can’t convince myself to take walks, I can’t convince myself to do something healthy and productive, and even if I do it’s not enough to continue doing it. It’s exhausting. But today during my walk I felt the familiar release and calmness of taking a simple walk. The way I used to feel with you. Even if I really didn’t want to, I would do it anyways and felt better after doing it. Perhaps it’s because I am somewhere new, and that reminds me of you.

And then I start to think about us and get emotional. I haven’t been allowing myself to feel anything about us. And now that we’ve pretty much had the talk that it’s over, I have no choice. So I remember the first time we really began to talk. We had emailed back and forth and wrote novels to each other about our dreams and desires and what we were looking for. At the time I really just wanted an escape and to have fun and travel, I was very much in that mindset, and to a degree I still am. 3 years later. Isn’t it crazy how time flies? 2 years ago I moved to Vegas to be with you, and 1 year ago we had just moved into the house I bought and I was over the moon with decorating and really feeling like I had achieved something (even though I hadn’t really earned it myself). 

I’m sorry for forcing you into the house and forcing you to be a part of the narrative I created in my mind about the type of relationship I thought I wanted, and changing my mind after everything. You were truly there for me in every step of the way, and I am sorry I didn’t tell you that more, that I really did appreciate you. 

I think back to my first trip to visit you and remember how nervous and scared I was, yet you were a perfect gentleman. I also think about how long we waited to have sex, and I remember feeling that we had built our relationship on something real, like a friendship and shared interests together. And looking back, I fell in love with the possibilities and the promises you had made me about taking care of me and the travels we would take and you bring me to India. All of which never really happened. I learned your idea of traveling meant van life and going to local places around wherever you chose to live at the time. There is truly nothing wrong with that, but I think my idea was different. You taught me a lot, and I really mean that, you taught me things that I really NEED and non-negotiables that I seek in a relationship. You taught me that life is short and to move on and just be happy in the present. I am envious that it seems like you can move on so easily. You also taught me how to explore, I mean really explore, and be independent and not be afraid of what people think. I think that’s one of the reasons I married you, it felt like I was giving the universe a big FUCK you to the societal expectations on what a marriage should or should not look like. But if I’m being honest, I regretted our marriage from the moment it happened and I blocked out the experience almost entirely. And there’s a part of me that thinks you feel that way too. I mean, you didn’t even get the pictures that were taken of our wedding, a stupid cliche drive-through Vegas wedding. My dress was $20 from a mall store and we both had to drink during the entire day just to make it to the alter. You don’t even drink. It was weird, the next day I woke up feeling like, did I really just do that? What does that even mean, did it feel real? I didn’t tell anyone for months. I was ashamed, even though my belief in marriage was and is completely skewed. 

One thing I will tell you, and I have in the past is that you have always been honest about what you were looking for and your dreams and desires. It just sounded so appealing to me because I wanted that life so badly for myself until I actually got into it. I NEVER regretted any of our travels, in fact, they have been some of the most liberating experiences I have ever had, and I am glad I could have them with you. But looking back, it felt like I was a circle trying to fit into the square of life you had created. I wanted furniture and cats, and to feel the comfort of having a home, and you were content with not having a solid place to live. Again, it was something I admired and wanted for myself until I was put into that life. I can’t blame you for anything, I truly can’t. I just wish I could be the partner and person you need and want. But I can’t. I’m not. I think the reason it was taken me SOOOOOO long to even begin processing what I feel or the reason I left is that it has been extremely painful for me to accept that the life I started to build with you wasn’t a good fit for me because I really did want it, but I know deep down that the love I have and had for you wasn’t enough to keep me true to you. You knew that too, and you never fought for me. You turned a blind eye to me and let me come and go as I pleased when I really needed discipline and to show me how much you really wanted me. So it felt like you didn’t care. I still feel like you don’t care as much as I do. I also know that you were never truly honest with me about your intentions for our relationship. I was a fool for falling for your words and everything you told me you felt for me. I feel I know what your true plan was, it was to find a sponsor all along. Maybe there’s a part of me that feels you actually really wanted both, a partner and someone to sponsor you. But I was the girl in your life at the right time that was broken and damaged enough to do the sort of thing like move within weeks of you asking and go through with a shitty Vegas wedding.

5/1

I’m mad at you. I’m mad that you don’t miss the life that I thought we wanted. If you told me you missed our pets, and the house, that I would come back to you. Because I am indecisive and I need a reason to hope and to live. I shouldn’t put that on others but it’s true. Sometimes I feel like I don’t care enough about my life and that it’s my loved ones’ responsibility to keep me here, alive. But no one would ever know, because that darkness inside of me is too much for anybody to take on. And I knew at the end I became too much for you. But you always let me vent, cry, and be a complete fucking mess. Although you had no idea how to respond.. Another thing I can’t blame you for, but I was so mad at you during that time because I just wanted to feel understood. 

I’m scared for you to move on because that means I have to move on too, and it feels like once you do, our life together will just be a painful memory. Like it didn’t really happen. Because at this time I’m not sure if I will ever let myself feel the loss of us. One that I will eventually get over. But I hope you remember me fondly and can eventually understand my decision. 

When I think of you, I think of compassion, and I think of hope, and truly living as if it were your last day on earth. And when I am reminded of that feeling, there is a tiny flame, and there is a part of that tiny flame that you created in me. I hope I will always feel that when I think of you, because even now through grieving and this heartbreak, it still brings me a smile. Nostalgic. Mixed feelings. That’s how I’ve always felt about you. I think I am truly too complicated to have a simple love, and although we didn’t have simplicity, you wanted something I couldn’t give you, and I wanted something you couldn’t give me. I really don’t think that anyone will ever know about the real us. And maybe that’s enough because you started as my secret, as my dangerous adventure that no one ever really had to know about. 

5/20

Today I traveled to Moab. It was my first time here. I traveled with my uncle, 2 cousins, and my mom. I was looking over my saved places on google maps and was looking over places we had been in Utah. It’s been a while since I allowed myself to look at these places – too many memories. But my cousin Dan has been living in Utah part-time – maybe I told you about him –  He’s recently found his adventurous heart at the age of 50 and parts of him remind me of you. On the way here we talked about love and loss and spirituality and life and how it changes people. Reminds me of the talks we used to have. We stopped at this little ruins spot, I looked around and thought of Zion. I think that’s been one of the best trips of my life. 

And god it is so hard not to text you right now.. 

I’m going to cry if I keep writing this so I have to stop. I hope you understand..

5/30

I haven’t been able to cry fully in a couple of months. Probably since we talked. I texted you today and asked if we could speak. You responded as if you were so happy. Why can you be the one to be so happy? And me so miserable… I guess that’s what I deserve after everything I’ve put you through. I do wish you well, but there’s a part of me that wishes you weren’t.. maybe somehow that would end up meaning we should be together. 

I’m so lost Som, it feels like I woke up in another person’s life and I can’t wake up. It’s so mundane and I’m so tired. Tired of everything. Tired of trying and fighting and caring and crying. I don’t expect you to understand.. but fuck you were always good at just listening if I needed to vent. And I took that for granted. But you never did miss me or us and that’s what makes it so hard, because I thought you did. 

I spoke with an attorney today and I’m scared. I’m just really scared of what is to come of everything. Are you ready to be done? Maybe it’s inevitable and I should stop the suffering, but you know me… what if? But we talk tomorrow.. and I don’t know how to handle that. 

6/12

I now understand why you may not “miss me” as much as I “miss you.” I realized I found this burning love for passion in travel, in exploring, In long travel days, and looking at the stars at night. For that, I miss you. I’ve come to realize that I don’t miss you in the way I thought I would, I miss our adventures. And this life I’ve been living recently… well… I’ve learned a lot. There’s no burning passion here but there is stability, and everyone tells me that’s a good thing. But I’m still waiting to feel that. Today I went out and got myself a hamburger and took a nice long drive. I stopped beside the river where the water was raging, it was impressive looking at the power of the water and I imagined what it would be like to jump in there, fully aware I wouldn’t survive it if I did. But it’s a funny thing, I know it sounds depressing, I don’t mean to, but I think you of and your love for water. I know if you were here we would’ve talked about jumping in the water. And maybe that’s what I need.. a cold shock of water…

7/18
In 2020 and 2021 I wanted nothing else but to travel and do the things you wanted to do. It wasn’t until after we got married and did those things that the things I wanted changed for me. I realized I wanted to have more family and friends time.. and you always told me that you didn’t want someone that was super close with their friends and family. You always told me that we would travel the world and go places but the only place that we would go is camp in your truck and then you wanted to adopt the van life more often.. I just feel like you told me things to keep me invested and interested but they never happened… and you lied to me. A lot. I lost my trust in you and it really impacted our relationship. I’m sorry you feel like I only talked to you when I needed something. It really wasn’t the case. It’s just like we’re going in circles and circles and having the same convo over and over again. And every single time we would talk it would make me so emotional and bring up the memories and regrets that I had. It was so easy for you to let go of everything we were doing. I know we “settled” too fast with the house and the cats and the furniture… it wasn’t your thing. Things got out of hand and I do have regrets about it. But you straight up told me that you never missed any of it while it meant a lot to me… 

Som the “favor” you asked of me wasn’t something so simple as picking you up from the airport or running an errand for you. This would make me responsible for you for at least 10 years. I never saw any of your financials about your business loan or anything to show me what I would be getting into. You said I could speak with your lawyer but it never happened. I know you hold a lot of resentment about that. And I’m sorry. I still have my reservations about it and it just feels sketchy.. like I don’t have the whole picture. 

I know you helped me out, and you also said you’d help me with my surgery but you didn’t. it was conditional which made it an arrangement. My surgery was in February and you never even checked on me.. so ya it’s all good that you decided to move on… 

I told you to keep your plan and go up to the northwest it’s not my fault that you chose not to.. I never want to keep you from your plans… besides I thought you were spontaneous and didn’t mind the change of plans. I’m never worried about things being “awkward” I know you won’t make it awkward. But the situation just is awkward! Like how are we supposed to be around each other after we talk about divorce? You made it beyond clear that you want nothing to do with me. I guess that’s fair but it’s made it harder for me because I still want you in my life.. 

And I think you just want “someone.” Not ME. It just feels convenient for you because we’re already married and you’ve said you don’t want to start over. I mean it just doesn’t feel like you’ve genuinely missed me or wanted to be with me… idk it just feels like you’re okay on your own even though you want “someone.”  So this is me being 100% truthful and honest about my feelings and what’s been going through my mind.

7/21
I started typing a response to every paragraph you wrote so we could go back and forth and bicker about what “actually” happened. But it feels so pointless. We did need to take this time to be separated to really figure out what we both want. I hope you can find positivity in that. And unfortunately, you are right.. we haven’t been building our life together. We’ve been doing our own thing and there are obviously some negatives with that but also some positives.. But I never asked you to not put yourself out there… and you need to do what you gotta do. It’s not an excuse for me to just say that I’m anxious and can’t have the talk, but for a while I was simply not capable of it. And I need to get over it. So I agree let’s not avoid it any longer… And my honest truth is that I don’t see myself moving out of Colorado for at least 6 months while I wrap some things up and save some money. And to be honest it’s hard to see myself being able to fully commit myself to a marriage and give you everything you need, despite everything you may think, I genuinely care for your feelings and I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I have learned to not be dependent on anyone and I need some time to save money and make my plan in order to live by that. Our relationship has been such an important aspect of my life for so long that I feel like I’ve forgotten how to just be me, and the past year has given me reflection to show me what I need and want. I know it’s very important for us to move on from this situation and so maybe we should meet to finalize things. But this is my truth and honesty, and I hope you understand where I’m coming from.

8/11
I looked back and saw you holding your head in your hands and then drove away. I can’t even tell you how awful that felt. Knowing that may be the last time we see each other. You have no idea how emotionally draining it is for me to write this. Nevertheless, I cannot deny the fact that I shared some of the most wonderful moments of my life with you. I wouldn’t change a thing about you or what we’ve been through, but I can’t keep causing you pain in our relationship. We’re constantly hurting each other because we’re both attempting to make something work that should have been easy. And I believe that you’re also aware that our habits and lifestyles are so dissimilar that we can’t live happily together. It breaks my heart to write this, because we’ve tried so hard to make this work, and I’ll forever admire your dedication and the efforts you put into our relationship. But the reality of our situation has become too overwhelming, and I need to prioritize my well-being. I hope you understand that we’re both unhappy despite our best efforts to make it work. 

-S

p.s – I know this what a lot and very emotional to read. You asked me to speak my truth and be honest and this is me spilling everything I’ve been feeling this year. Please take your time to process, and know you don’t even have to respond if you don’t want to.