It has now been 6 years since I walked out on you, after having given you 21 years of my life, all the love I had in my heart, in my body, in my soul. After having given you a family, a home and having got so little in return. One day I could not take the emotional abuse anymore. No, you never hit me but you hurt me by ignoring my feelings, by ignoring my needs, by ignoring my dreams , by denying my individuality and I still carry the scars. Most of the time I forget that they are there but sometime, just a little bump from life makes them bleed again. When it happens in my head I play Peggy Lee’s song:
Someday, sweetheart,
You may be sorry
For what you’ve done
To my poor heart,
And you may regret
Those vows that you’ve broken,
And the things that you did to me
That made us drift apart.
Oh, you’re happy now,
And you can’t see how
Those weary blues
Will ever come to you,
But as you sow,
So shall you reap, dear,
And what you reap
Will gonna make you weep,
Someday, sweetheart!
Before leaving I tried to make you see that you had to face the void you have in your heart which made you unable to love anyone else, which made you feel superior to everybody else but you did not have the courage. You preferred to hit out at me and to rush out to find the new partner who would prop up your ego. And with all charm, you easily found one: it only took you a few months to draw a line across 20 years.
So now, you have another child, another family, another home. You have always been good at creating the facade of happiness but I, of all people, know what hides behind it: your heart of ice, the constant striving to control, control every body, everything….
So I don’t miss you but sometimes I still feel the pain of betrayal: how you never said that you loved me, how you never said you were proud of me, how you never said you found me beautiful, how you never ever asked me to stay…
This is my pain. I am responsible for it, which is why I will not show you this letter.
I write this as a plea to the universe. Please, it has been long enough. I have learned what I needed to learn. Take my pain away now and let love come back into my life.
4 Comments
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i can empathize with you – although mine only lasted 2.5 years before I had enough, and mine did tell me all of those things that you longed to hear… but that was a facade and he was a sociopath. mine had some other girl lined up and ready to go as soon as I dumped him – they are still together today, and he has a child with her. I was no ill feelings towards her – she is just like me, she fell in love with his bullshit. but i cannot lie and say that I wish them well… because I am scarred too, and I would love nothing more than to see his kingdom come crashing down. I feel like I want justice, justice for him and justice for myself. It feels like he committed a horrible crime against me and got away with it. and in your case, I’m sure twenty years of waste must feel the same, because time is one of the most precious things that you can never get back. I find myself pleading with the universe too – I just pray that it hears us soon. best of luck to you hun.
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Thank you for reading this and leaving a comment. Coming out of a relationship with a sociopath is so much harder because most other people cannot understand the depth of the damage these people do. They cannot understand why you cannot “move on”. This means that you appear as the one who has the big problem. Well, yes, I was vulnerable and should have faced the truth, instead of making excuses for him but I was not the manipulator. Like you, what I now feel is this great sense of injustice. Even though I wish I was able to rise above it and wish them well, I cannot. But I believe in cosmic justice, in karma: as you sow, so shall you reap. I saw him again at his son’s graduation and he did not look happy. I can see through the new castle/ fortress he has built for himself. I know how superficial his happiness is: deep down, he cannot love himself and he cannot trust anybody, only manipulate them. This is an incredibly lonely life to live. I, on the other hand, can talk about my pain, even share it with a stranger on the internet! My life is so much richer. And so must yours. So good luck to you too! And may the universe open up a new path for you.
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This letter, especially the last lines, took my breath away. I was writing my own breakup letter and I wish I could be so clear and brave! It’s only been a week since my breakup, but it was only a nine-month relationship and I feel I’m finally learning to get out when it’s obvious I’m not loved. I’ve been feeling awful the whole week and he acts like nothing happened. Reading your letter took my mind off my own pain for a while and I was able to cry again. I think those of us with open hearts are ultimately stronger, because we do know what’s important in life and are tuned-in to love and learning. I hope all kinds of love and goodness flows into our lives.
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Thank you for your words. It took me a long time to write this letter, to find the right words and I am glad it touched your heart and helped you find meaning in your own pain. Yes, those who love and learn are stronger because giving out love is to have faith in life and to be willing to face the pain that comes with growth. Life can bring us what we need and what we deserve to have. We must not give up trying to make it happen. Take care.
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