You took a piece of me with you when you left

Posted by S in Still heartbroken

I was so misunderstood towards the end. I know I had my moments of cruel words to you because of my confusion and anger, but your vanishing so abruptly from my life was so cruel and cold that after all we’d been through, it was too much to bear.
I knew that I could never have you fully because you were committed elsewhere but why did you lead me to believe
there was so much more to you and I than just a physical need.
You broke me when you left and offered me the friend card as I knew that was just your polite way of disappearing
without too much drama. I hope that after all I gave you for two years and the risks I took for you, listening to you,
supporting you being there at your beck and call and doing anything and everything to keep you happy and comforted, I hope you realize what you have lost. I gave it all, not holding back, without pride, open and vulnerable and you crushed my heart so that it bleeds daily and doesn’t heal.
In spite of this you were my one true love, the one I would have given up everything for, the one I would have stood by no matter what. I loved you unconditionally, never expecting anything in return and don’t know how to heal and
ever love again. In retrospect, I am thankful that I had a chance to feel something so intense with you..just a look from you would send my heart racing, I lit up around you.. just being close to you was enough..what have you done to me?
You gave me you then took you away, no explanation, no warning…
Now I doubt whether I ever meant anything much to you and that in itself will be hard to recover from.
I feel diminished, crushed, empty and abandoned. I won’t ever let anyone see me again this way.
My open heart and warm nature can never hold a grudge though as I can never forget how I felt when you were with me.I will cherish those moments as some never get to experience the magic of love.
I wish you well my love in all you do and maybe one day you will remember my worth and how special I was and how
blind you were at the time. By then… I will be long gone and my bleeding heart wounds will have healed.

About S

4 Comments

R 8 years ago
Reply

I had someone similar to the way you describe yourself. She was kind, sweet, warm and gentle. She helped me realize my worth even though she had to leave in order for me to wake up.

We dated for 2 years as well. I wish I would have told her how much she really meant to me. But I would not have told her to stay. I caused her a lot of pain because I did not love myself. I had never learned to do so and thus never thought someone else was able to love me because I did not do so myself.

The pain since then has been my greatest motivator. To ensure I never hurt someone again just because I’m insecure about something or myself. The personal growth I experienced because of her is something I will cherish for ever. She pulled me out of the dark and back into the light.

What I’m trying to say is. If you’ve been supportive of the person you loved. You did nothing wrong. Chances are the person was struggling with themselves. In time that person will see that he or she was the cause of their own misfortune as did I.

I wish you well.
- Ali 8 years ago
  Reply
  
  Your comment is so selfish!!!!!!!!!!! You only saw that girl as an object that loved you, showed you your value, and she was in pain because of you!!!! For you the important thing is that you understood something from HER pain!! that is so sad and selfish. You know, people who are heartbroken because the person they love doesn’t feel the same back (because they don’t love themselves or whatever) are capable to do anything, even to commit suicide and just to show people like you that they are worth it! Now you are aware that you can hurt girls. You hurt her, and you don’t care about her anymore, you used her to show you the bright side of your selfish life, and you move one; while she probably deeply is thinking what she did wrong with you, why you didn’t love her as much as she did. Those are traumas very difficult to overcome. So you should not be that happy.
  - R 8 years ago
    Reply
    
    Ow boy, that’s quite the response there Ali. Don’t know what I did to you personally to elicit such a response.
    
    The only two people who know what transpired between me and my ex, are myself and her.
    
    I don’t know where you got the idea that I didn’t love her back. I was with her for 2 years, and I had hoped on many more years to come. I loved her until the very end, in fact I still do, and I want her to be happy. I know for sure she’s happier now than when she was with me, making her hopes and dreams a reality. Which is all I ever wanted for her.
    
    I made her cry a total of 4 times in 2 years (yes I counted them, and each occurrence is firmly implanted in my memory, and I will never be able to get rid of the sadness I felt when I saw the tears role down her beautiful face), all because I couldn’t get myself to get past my insecurities.
    
    In order to do right by her and myself I decided to change myself. If you think it’s “selfish” to want to become better and not bitter and that I “should not be that happy” I would ask you this.
    
    After 8 years of depression, suicidal thoughts, self-loathing and sadness (which contributed greatly to my causing her pain). Do I not deserve to be happy? And if you feel I do not deserve to be happy, than who exactly is the selfish one here? And if I were to enter into a new relationship (which I have no intention of doing for a long time to come), would you want that girl to experience the same thing? Causing that girl pain as well?
    
    I know she wanted me to be happy and that she tried her utmost to help me achieve that. Even-though I was the one responsible for my own happiness/sadness.
    
    I made the choice to end that cycle of pain and hurt by becoming a better version of myself. I hate the fact that in order to realize this about myself I ended up hurting the person who meant more to me than life itself. I have spent hours if not days thinking about how I could have altered that course of action and beating myself up for not being able to see it back then.
    
    And to be quite frank, I don’t need you to tell me to do a round-trip on all those feelings.
    
    I get that some guy or girl probably did you wrong. And I’m sorry that happened (even-though I had absolutely nothing to do with it). Though your telling me that I should not be happy because I hurt my ex (without the explicit intention of doing so) makes your comment more about you than about me.
    
    P.S. I was not the one who broke up with her. The relationship died a slow death, ending in her basically ignoring me for 2-3 weeks. I decided to talk to her about that in person and during that conversation we ended up breaking up. I had hoped to fix things, not break up. In the end however, I’m happy we broke up. Not because I wanted to, or because I didn’t love her anymore. But because I love her so much I would rather not be with her and see her happy, than be with her and see her being miserable.
    Now I carry her cheerful spirit with me as something to strive for. To bring some joy into peoples lives. And yes, that’s also selfish, anything I will do, ever, will be motivated by something I did in the past or want right now.
  - Anon 8 years ago
    Reply
    
    R and Ali,
    
    I can definitely see what you mean on both points of view. Ali’s right that being treated badly can have a lasting effect that can cause terrible decisions in the aftermath of a breakup. That said, lessons are learned by both people. Breakups do hurt, being treated badly can make you not feel loved, or beautiful, or that you’re worth even a penny in the world. But you have to know that if you stayed with that person, and they were still in that mind frame of thinking it was okay to act the way they were, how could that be healthy for either person?
    
    And that’s the point that R is making. Sometimes it takes a breakup and space to either realize the person who has left you was not worth it, or that you really did love them, but did not appreciate them. You’re able to clearly see what has been said, or done, and to learn from those experiences and grow.
    
    Ali, I had been together with my ex boyfriend for two years, and had found out that he had cheated on me. I was the one to make the decision to break up with him. Was the breakup painful? Yes. Did I cry a lot? So much. Did I feel like I would never love again, or that I wasn’t worth much? Of course. And while it took about half a year to fully start healing, I learned so much about life and myself in the process.
    
    If you choose to be angry and sad for the rest of your life clinging to the past, you’re going to be unhappy forever. Basing your self worth on someone else’s approval isn’t going to teach you what love is. And staying with someone, or trying to get them to apologize for hurting you, won’t always happen. Closure doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, you have to find your own closure and just love and accept yourself.
    
    I can tell that R knows that they made mistakes, but you can’t change the past. You can only move forward. And that’s what R is trying to do, to better themself and learn from what happened.
    
    And to S,
    
    I’m so sorry that P broke your heart. One day, you will find love again. Just know that you’re worth so much more than the way that P treated you.
    
    Take care,
    
    Anon