you were like a drug

you were like a drug

you were like a drug

LTME-postI’m not sure how high the chances of you reading this are but I know if you do you’ll know I wrote it. Let’s start from the beginning, from when we first met, when I first fell in love with you. The first time I saw you I thought you looked so cool with your cigar in your right hand and from the way you walked. I always had a thing for you but I never could see myself with you. Maybe that’s just because it was never meant to be. When you first showed interest in me I was flattered and you made the biggest effort to get me. You chased me in fact. This time I thought I found the one.You were perfect, everything I ever wanted in someone. I thought you were the most beautiful person in the world until I saw your ugly side. You were too good to be true just like the saying goes. But sometimes I still miss sitting in your old beat up car and staring into your deep brown eyes. I miss running my hands through your hair. I could stare at your face all day. You were mesmerising. Everytime you talked I’d watched your lips and was always tempted to kiss them. You had so many good features and you were so god damn attractive. But I can’t keep letting that get to me. So I tried writing down all your bad traits even if it was something as little as getting annoyed by you overusing a certain emoji, just anything that could help me like you less. Remember when you’d hold me so tight? How we’d drive for hours just to sit how we talked and talked about running away to another place from everyone. Sometimes I still wanna do that. The thought of running away and only being with you felt so calming. But it’s only because I’m looking at the good side of things. Not the dark truth I hate thinking about, From all the cheating to all the lies and broken promises. But back to the beginning. Back to the night when you first left me. You’d been starting to act so distant and that night I didn’t know what I had coming. You called me up and told me you didn’t care about me anymore. You threw at me with your cold words. How do you think someone would feel when they’re so madly in love and adore someone then that person treats them and make them feel like shit. You said you didn’t want me. I cried so much. I was so confused. That’s when I cheated on you. I did it because I felt so lonely and in order to feel loved I needed to keep other guys by me. I wanted you the most out of everyone. I didn’t care if they had more money, if they were more successful or any of that shit because I’d always choose you and in my eyes you were the best and you meant the most. But I felt like you weren’t there enough, I felt unloved and I needed someone else to fulfill that at the times you couldn’t. I constantly felt the need to be reminded that you still wanted me maybe because I knew you could get someone prettier maybe because you had someone prettier. When you found out you left me because I didn’t really keep it a secret. I didn’t care enough to. Even though you left me you told me that you didn’t care I cheated which hurt even more because I only did it to hurt you as much as you hurt me. I thought I lost you for good but weeks later when I went to get my stuff from your apartment we ended up having sex then a long talk. You never apologised but you told me you wanted to get back with me. So we did. Sometimes I ask myself if you only got back with me just so you could cheat on me but that’s probably not the case and you’re probably just a piece of shit. And like I said you cheated. The first time you cheated it felt like the worst feeling in the world. I remember finding out, I was out eating dinner with my family and I immediately broke down into tears. I probably looked so ridiculous but I couldn’t contain myself. I would’ve gotten up to run to the washroom but I could hardly hold my tears in let alone move because I was frozen shaking. My heart literally dropped down to the floor. I never knew something could hurt so much. Even though I was the one who should’ve been leaving you, you ended up leaving and I wouldn’t anyway because my head was in my ass. You left me for some girl. But you ended up coming back like always anyway and you ended up cheating then leaving again anyway. It was like a fucked up cycle. Each time I took you back. Each time I felt more and more empty. Eventually I became numb to it and it was just something I got used to as bad as that sounds. I stayed with you because you were like a drug. I kept telling myself that I was going to quit you but i didn’t. even after you keep hurting me over and over. even after you lied to me and made so many empty promises. no matter how unhealthy it was for me i still kept coming back. i kept coming back and i couldnt seem to let go. it was so hard and i still wanted you even though i said i wasnt going to take you back and even though I did cut you off i still came back. you were like the nicotine inside the cigarettes and you were my addiction. no matter how much it hurt or killed me i still kept going back to you. i lied to everyone else around me that i quit you but i didnt. you were my bad habit but it felt so good. something about you had me so attached. i just wanted more and more of you and i knew you were bad for me but i didnt know how to quit you. it was so hard. You were like a metaphor;
a bad drug addiction. it hurt so fucking bad. it killed me but no matter what i still thrived for more. i was aware it wasn’t good for me but i craved it everytime and when i didnt. i relapsed. i felt empty and deprived. i needed the thrill of it again. it was so bad but why couldnt i let go? why had you gotten me on this hold? that i cant seem to figure out yet. Now going to the near the end of relationship. This was the second to last time you cheated before I got courage to leave you. I remember it just like yesterday. I finally decided to confront you and you confessed then apologised. You said I was all yours and you were all mine. You promised to never do it again. Then you wanted to forget everything that happened. But I couldn’t. How could you expect me to forget that? It was the thing I couldn’t forget the most. It was the thing that kept me up at night. You did everything to get me back. This was the only time in our relationship you actually made an effort besides the beginning before the first time we broke up. You actually made me feel like you cared and you’d always show concern for me but that wasn’t always it was only at this time. You only wanted the best for me and it’s wasn’t only at this time. It was so cute how you’d spam me and I kinda miss that. It makes me sad thinking you might be doing that with another girl. That was the only time you treated me good. One thing is though why I can’t let you go is because I keep romanticising our relationship and not remembering it for the bad side it actually was. It was the only time you made me feel special and “good enough”. You were so convincing. I believed you. It was great while it lasted but of course you had to go ahead and cheat. I left you. It was the proudest thing I’ve done. It took me so much courage. I think the last time you cheated almost hurt the most because right before you promised me the world then. I probably sound like the stupidest person in the world. No but it’s not wrong, I basically was. Like the fact I’d ever think someone who cheated on me several times isn’t going to do it again just bc they claim they won’t is so naive to think. But I guess that’s what happens when you’re head over heels for someone. Love makes you stupid and do stupid things. Especially after all the promises you made were broken. Even when you promised something so little you broke it. You’re the biggest liar I’ve met. I can remember that day just like it was yesterday. I wanted to die. I was so tempted to start cutting again but I promised my therapist I wouldn’t because I was already so far, 6 months clean. Instead I turned to drinking. I chugged the bottle down. I stayed in bed for almost a week straight and I lost track of days, letting myself go because I knew that was the last of us and even if you tried coming back I’d never let you in. As much as it hurt to not have you I know it’d hurt even more to have you. I stopped taking care of myself. I started bad eating habits. I’d sleep all day and at night I’d cry myself to sleep listening to xxxtentacion which made it even worse reminding me of us, the times we’d always lay in bed naked getting high and listening to him. Do you remember that? But that was it I knew I had to do something and I couldn’t keep weeping over you so I took action and pushed myself to get out of bed and take a shower. I did my hair and makeup, got dressed up then went out. It felt so much better. I’ve altered my appearance since I left you. I did it as a step of getting over you and try everything I can to get rid of everything that reminds me of you .I cleaned my whole room out and threw everything away that was yours except the letters and paragraphs because I like reading them. I like the thought that I once meant something to you. Sometimes when I think I’m over you all our memories come flooding back. I don’t know why. One day I’m completely over you the next I’m back to how I was from the first time you cheated on me. 2 months have passed since I left you. I still think about you every now and then. But I wonder if you still think about me? Do you still care? I think I’d be able to sleep better at night knowing you still care even though I know I won’t ever take you back. It’d just be refreshing to know that. I hate hearing your name. It hurts my heart too much. It’s one of those nights that I feel like shit and I can’t get you out of my mind. I’ve deleted all your pictures but I still have all your letters and paragraphs you wrote me. Maybe because deep down inside I have this sliver of hope. Hope that you’ll change. But I guess I always had high hopes for you to change especially after all the times you said you would from the first time you cheated on me to the last time. In fact I’d been the only one who believed in you even after how much you hurt me. When you were alone I’d been the only one who’d been there for you even when your family or friends hadn’t. Maybe I was only with you because I liked the concept of being in love but now all the nights I’ve gone without you I’ve realised I’m better off without you and you were just a burden in my life. To be honest as much as I miss you every now and then it feels like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I don’t have to worry about not feeling good enough. I don’t have to worry about being cheated on. Being without you feels so free. I finally can breathe. So many times it felt like everything you said to me was a lie or if meant anything to you and it had me questioning our whole relationship. It’s like everything we had was thrown away. It’s crazy though that we know the deepest things about each other, we shared our darkest secrets with each other but now we just walk by each other like we’re another stranger on the street. As if we never met. But I see you looking at me in the corner of your eye. I can tell that look, the look you still miss me, that you want me back. I opened up to you more than I had with anyone. I got closer with you than i had with anyone else, I was so head over heels for you that no matter how much you done me wrong I still would keep you. I was so naive. Before I met you I was at my best and my goal is to get back to how I was or even better and I’ve made efforts. I’ve been doing good without you. I’ve been doing better than i ever have been in school and I’ve been trying to keep positive. I think even though I miss you sometimes I still regret ever being with you. I’ve been in love lots of times but not once until now have I regretted it. I wish I never met you. You ruined my life. I wish I could just forget you but it’s hard. I’ve tried everything and my brain can’t let you go officially. I’ve been trying so hard not to think about you and I hope that your whole life sucks without me and that you’ll realise you lost something so good. I hope you hurt as much as you hurt me. I thought fucking around and getting someone new would help me but it doesn’t. All I want is to be single now. I’m scared of getting hurt again. But then again I’m working on focusing on myself. Doing what makes me happy. I can’t have the drama of being in another relationship. I’ve been pretty happy and finding positivity right now I have a big smile on my face because I’ve been surrounding myself with positivity and good people. I’m happy to where I’ve come. As much as I regret you I still haven’t figured if I should use you as a lesson because I’ve learned a lot from being with you and I thank you for making me realising that I deserve so much better than you. Helping me realise my self worth because fuck I’m worth a lot. I’m amazing. I used to be that girl who thought she needed to be in a relationship to be happy but now I know I don’t. I have me. I’ve learned that all I need is myself. I’ve finally freed myself. Ive finally gotten on a good path. I’ve gotten to appreciate and love myself more and more after this breakup. Accept myself for who I am. That I don’t need anyone to complete me because I’m enough and when I do find someone I deserve someone who cares about me and doesn’t make me feel worthless. That some day someone will see me for what I’m worth. That I’m beautiful and I deserve the fucking world but that person isn’t you and never was you. I’ve stopped trying to worry about pleasing other people and trying to fit into their standards because the only person I need to please and make happy is myself. You helped me with making me realise that I am good enough and that I always was good enough. That I am important. So I mean I guess I could thank you for that but I won’t because that’s the last thing you deserve let alone my acknowledgment. You were just a piece of shit. In fact you never deserved me. Someone like you never deserved to be treated as good as I treated you. I see that now you’re doing shit but I guess it’s karma and maybe if you never fucked me over so hard we’d still be together and I’d be here for you. I do hate seeing you like this but that’s how I felt and one thing that pisses me off about you is that you act like you’re the only one in the world with problems. Like you’re the only one who’s going through shit but it’s bullshit. You always have. You always want to play the victim and say that everyone has it better, this or that. You say you want to kill yourself but you made me want to kill myself. You hurt me. You fucked me over so hard and you know what sucks is that I’m seeing you hurt and as much as I want to be happy you’re not doing well I can’t bc I was in love with you at one point and it breaks me to the point I want to cry to see you like this but I can’t let you back into my life. Maybe what you’re going through sucks but quick fucking acting like you’re the only one. You know what I never want to admit. I fucking miss you and it’s so hard to keep avoiding my feelings because I keep trying to push them away because I hate letting myself get so low and hurt over you. I still fucking care about you so much. I hate admitting that and I want to be here for you but I can’t. I hate you. You know youre bad for my mental health but it still doesn’t mean I don’t miss you and everytime I think I’m over you I’m not I fucking hate it. I fucking hate you. I’ve come to the realisation that you only care about yourself and whatever makes you happy even if it’s hurting other people. I know though that one day you’re going to come running back but you’ll see I’m moved on and you’re long forgotten. That I’m doing much better off without you. You’re going to regret it all. That’s the funny part and I think that’s one thing that still gives me motivation to keep me going. And I know for now I’m wasting my time and I shouldn’t be or I shouldn’t have ever wasted my time crying and letting myself get to my worst all because of you because you’re just a piece of shit but it’s hard not to . I’m still trying my best but somedays it’s harder than others, some days it’s lonelier than others. But that’s when it comes back to realisation of self worth. I know that now as I’m doing so well I don’t want to go back and I don’t want to get into that stage of emptiness again. I don’t need that distraction or bad energy in my life because I can do so much better and this is why I decided 2018 is my year. I promise myself that I won’t ever let that negativity back in my life and it’s all been left in 2017 including you. So I guess this is the last goodbye you’ll get from me. The last you’ll be mentioned now that I got everything I needed to say off my chest so farewell now I can fully admit you were never worth my time. One last thing I wanted to say since what happened is done and there’s nothing I can change but move on and learn from it just please please don’t go around doing this to another girl it’s going to fuck with her mentally and this type of shit effects future relationships. I’d hate to see someone else like I was just last month. Anyway best of luck or whatever you’re a massive cunt but I still hope everything works out.

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