Eight years ago I met a man that I respected. You seemed, at the time to have your sh*t together. You were a tall large man, overweight (but working out everyday) and had already lost 60 pounds so becoming healthier. You had a decent job that paid you well and friends that you lived with that seemed to like you. I saw you as a protector, thoughtful, intelligent, funny and very charming. I mistakenly thought at the time, when you told me your tragic life story that you had been able to move past it. I myself grew up with a fairly normal childhood so I listened and nodded but didn’t really understand. I had dealt with some trauma growing up myself but nothing even remotely comparable. I thought you had moved on from your trauma as you were able to speak about it frankly and without emotion. I was naive to think that time heals all wounds. Some wounds are too deep to heal with ony time. Obviously, you never truly healed otherwise you wouldn’t have traumatized me the way you had been traumatized.
As soon as you moved in with me you quit your job. This put a financial strain on us. That decision has remained a problem ever since. You relied on me to work and over the years when I came to you with concerns and requested for you to pay your end of bills, you came back at me with excuses, frustration and often times anger and bile.
The first time you yelled at me I should have broken it off. The first time you cussed at me I should have left you. The first time you hit me, pushed me, broke down doors I was behind, I should have kicked you out. I came to realize that you had your demons but I naively hoped with patience and a loving relationship that your wounds would heal. Instead of your wounds healing you inflicted me with them.
Now after 8 long years, I have finally had enough. I told you almost three months ago I was done and no longer wanted to be with you and that was not ever going to change. Whenever I have had pings of doubts and thought about reconciliation I remember that you are a wrecking ball. I have had enough of being wrecked by you.
I wish you would get out of my life, but you can’t because of the financial strain we have been under. Now I have to live with a man I don’t want to be with. Until you can afford to move. Sometimes it’s tolerable living with you. But then just like when we were together something happens you don’t like and you act out. Today just like many other days you lost your cool. I didn’t think it could happen anymore, but you don’t respect my boundaries and never have so I’m not sure why I thought simply breaking up with you would change that.
Just because you are screaming doesn’t make you right. Calling me a b*tch and a c*nt in front of my son is unacceptable and always has been. I told you again today after you screamed at me, called me names and began playing loud heavy metal music while I was trying to sleep (because of chronic back pain) that you are a loser and I hate you, and you inflict pain and misery wherever you go. I truly meant those words.
You are also a manipulator, a user and have taken advantage of my good and mostly forgiving nature since the beginning. You have told me that I used to be a sweet and kind person and that I am not anymore. I am still that person just not to you. I am that way with people who are deserving of my kindness. After years of physical and mental abuse by your hand I do not trust nor do I forgive you.
I wish I had never met you and that I had never exposed my son to someone like you. You are not a good person. I believe that you need to go disappear somewhere so you are no longer a problem for anyone. You have told me your plan is to buy a car and move into the woods. I hope if you do decide to move into the woods and stop bothering people that you do jump from that cliff, as you have mentioned you might do. At least then you would finally stop being a burden, and your death would contribute something good by being a meal for the life of the forest.