My voice

My voice

My voice

LTME postI don’t think you realize what you have done. I think right now, your mind is dissociating again to forget everything you put me through and to avoid all the guilt; to convince yourself you made the right decision, cause if you start doubting, you will start drowning, and I won’t be here to catch you this time.

I’ve been the one listening, understanding- all your reasons, even the ones that sounded fake. You never mentioned the fact that I was already in a process there- I was looking for a job, and I was working harder than I ever did. You just accepted the fact that I was going back home cause it was convenient for you. No remorse. No sympathy. I was just going to get out of your sight with all the things that we ever shared or agreed on. Going home wasn’t just some rational decision I got out of my rational brain. You broke up with me at the worst moment, cause I was away from everything. I just got there and you had dropped me to the bus station a few days ago saying everything would be okay and that we would work it through. You broke up with me so suddenly and with such detachment, saying you had been feeling bad for an hour and a half, when I thought we shared something real.

Going home was an emotional decision. I needed my shelter. I needed my friends. I needed everything you replaced abroad- cause you did. Not just because of me. I had a lot of distrust towards you. You hurt me once. I was decided to never let you fully in again and watch my back, always. But you texted me. And you called me. You were the one calling me. I never called you. You can check your phone if you don’t believe it. I barely asked you to call me. You were the one trying to regain my trust, which took a lot of time. I gave you everything when I started thinking you were sincere.

I went out of my ways cause I thought we both did. I tried to adapt to you, cause you hated conflict, even if snapping and then regretting it is my biggest flaw and some big thing to work on. I just tried to swallow my pride and not get offended. I asked you so many times to tell me when I went too far- I just wanted to be the one I thought you deserved. I just wanted to grow up and for once, listen, and accept.

You didn’t try to contact me the week after. I asked you to, cause you wouldn’t. You didn’t seem to regret anything. You’re relieved, as you say. Do you realize what it does to someone to hear such a thing?

But now you don’t want to “cut me off” cause you “need my voice”. What the hell is my voice? Is it some kind of fucked up term you invent when you try to make me feel better? Is it the new “wonder and awe”? I’m going to tell you now what I think you’re saying.

You may think otherwise now, but you’ve never found anyone like me. Someone you could just talk to, hang out with, share with, have sex with- you never had anything that strong before. I know because you told me. Of course, it wasn’t always easy on both ends- that’s what a relationship is. We did forgive each other every time cause it was stronger than us. But one day, you freaked out. I know you did cause it happened in a blink. And you convinced yourself you were better off. That’s where you’re at, still.

You need to be “alone”, but you “need my voice”. Isn’t that ironic? Also, you’re not alone at all right now. You’re going out, you’re never by yourself. You’re not at all alone. Do you know what alone means?

Now there’s me. How am I? Where am I? Who am I with, who am I seeing? Do you know any of that? How did my trip through the US and to Paris go? How do I feel? You don’t even care. You don’t want to know, cause it makes it way too real. You intellectualized all of it to make it easier for you to handle. But for me, it’s the realest shit ever.

I worked through my fears, my pain, my confusion. I sat by myself and thought. I didn’t try to avoid it like you did- cause I had no other choice. I didn’t jump in anything else. I healed. I’m the stronger one. I’m the adult. I’m the top dog.

You miss my voice? You miss hearing me saying how great you are? You miss sharing with me? You miss talking and knowing I understand when no one around you does? Of course you do. I didn’t do anything to you. But I don’t miss your voice. I don’t miss your distance. I don’t miss the way you ditched me twice. I don’t miss the cold tone you used to do so. I don’t miss you saying you have somewhere to be or something to do when I try to talk to you. I certainly don’t miss that time you complained about being hungry cause you were eating outside with your friends and I tried to keep you on the phone five minutes longer before crossing the atlantic on a plane. I don’t miss you dragging me into something and making it all collapse and running away to avoid the damage. I don’t miss you being a coward and not admitting it. I miss what we had- but I understand now that it was never real. What is real is you, right now. I was always here for you and I never ever let you down. You let me down twice: how much do I trust you now? How much am I willing to let you damage me, when I asked you not to hurt me? You say you want to know yourself better. Here’s the thing: you know yourself through others and the way you treat them. So here is the truth from someone who got closer than ever: you’re selfish. You’re rude. You’re scared. You’re still a kid.

The problem hides so much deeper than you think. It’s not about being obsessed with women, or having weird family dynamics. It’s about being selfish and obsessing about yourself. I hope you will wake up from this absolute narcissistic dissociation you’re going through. I hope you will understand I’m gone and not coming back “at some point”. I hope you see what you have done. You can’t play with people.

You had me, now you don’t. I know my value. Just wait and see. Just wait, sit down, and think about it. Alone.


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