I want to start off by writing that, despite my recent inappropriate outpourings of raw emotion to you, I will always wish the absolute best for you. As much as I wish that we could share the “absolute best” together, I still want you to be happy regardless.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this letter, to be honest. I want you to know how truly sorry I am for any time I may have made you feel neglected or unloved, but I know that you will probably never even know that I’ve written this letter. It was never my intention to make you feel either of those things. I still stand by the fact that both of us were extremely busy and overwhelmed around the time that we broke up, and that we didn’t have as much time for each other as we both would’ve liked. With that said, just because I couldn’t communicate with you as often as usual never meant that I loved you any less.
You see, as trite as it may sound, over ten months you became an absolutely integral part of my identity. There were very, very few things I could envision being more wonderful doing by myself than with you (except maybe going to Carowinds or a rap concert in the Union). Driving the forty-five minutes down the interstate from college to your place almost every weekend felt like driving *home*, more so than driving the five minutes back to my actual home. And that’s because of the incredible way you made me feel, and the way I still desperately yearn to feel. Your love and smile and embrace melted away every worry I had in that moment, and I couldn’t wait to live forever with somebody who had that powerful of an effect on me.
It was never a secret that you needed more love than the average person. You’re a trooper of a girl, but the pain you’ve had to endure throughout your life is unbearable for anyone. I strove to fill the hole ripped in your heart with all the love that I could muster, and while I knew that I would never be able to fill it completely, I at least thought that it would make living that much more tolerable. Don’t get me wrong; our relationship was genuine and I never saw it as an act of charity on my part. You called me your “rock” more instances than I can remember, and that was something that I not only took incredibly seriously, but felt unbelievably privileged to receive. You were my rock, too, Eliza.
I’m not writing this to beg and plead, or to convince you to come back to me, as much as I want you to. That should purely be an emotional decision, not a rational one. But I can’t help but think that the issues that began to pull us apart toward the end of our wonderful relationship were ones that we could have easily worked through together, especially given our amazing connection with one another. I had seen you develop worse and worse depression starting in January and it absolutely tore me apart to know that I couldn’t do anything to ease your suffering. I understand that that was something that you had to deal with on your own, and if you’re still dealing with it now to the same extent as you were when we broke up, then my heart aches for you–more than it already does.
But as for the reasons you mentioned for calling our ten spectacular months together off, I just can’t believe that they were significant enough for the outcome. You told me that you began not to feel like one of my priorities, and that our visions for the future just didn’t line up. Once again, I’m sorry if you felt that way. I loved you until the end and never wanted that rift. Life got in the way: exams, friends, distance, family, stress. These are by no means excuses, but they are the unfortunate reasons why you may have felt me become more distant over time. Fuck, if only I knew that this is what those seemingly insignificant changes in our lives would bring, I would have done everything in my power to prevent them from getting in between us. But they somehow did despite our having a bond that I thought would last the rest of our lives. I still want that with you as much as I did when we were together, and it’s painful to admit that at this stage but I’d be lying if I said that I weren’t.
As for our plans for the future, you always wanted me to give hard and fast answers that I simply couldn’t provide at that time. I get it–your life has been full of events completely outside of your control, and it only follows that you want to know everything else for certain. But I was twenty and you were twenty-one. Of course we’d both like to know for sure that we’re going to live together in Asheville and have two wonderful kids together at the age of twenty-seven, but that just wasn’t on my radar at that point in my life, and I feel like you mistook my hesitance to say “yes” to those plans as my not wanting them, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I know how fragile the future can be and how easily it can all change, and I didn’t want to tell you something that would maybe not be realized in our future together, even though I sincerely *wanted* all of those things that I’ve mentioned with you.
What I’d give for me to be yours and you to be mine again, Eliza. I was *positive* that what we had was for forever. How could your roommate and her boyfriend have a stronger bond than our own? I’ve never felt love like I did with you, and I regret not letting you know that was how I felt more often.
I still love you, Eliza, and if you miraculously find this letter, I want you to know that I think more than anything that a fresh start would be the best decision that both of us ever made. You may not believe me, but I have learned a tremendous amount from the retrospection and heartbreak that I’ve endured, but I know (or at least would like to think) that most if not all of what contributed to our separation was your having to tackle some of your own issue by yourself, and while I would’ve been there holding you tightly through all of those difficult problems, you felt like you had to go your own way. You should take however long that you need to sort through what you’re dealing with, but please know that I will always want to deal with whatever it is with you, and that your welcoming me to once again would be the best gift I could ever receive. Because I love you.
I can’t accept throwing away what we have, Eliza. I just can’t. I can’t handle this regret for the rest of my life, and I want to start over with you by being everything that I wasn’t back in March. I’ve said it before: if your passion and desire for our relationship is lost, then there’s nothing that we can do to save it. But I’m confident that with the love that we’ve shared for so many months that we can recreate our dream lives together anew, including Little Goob and any other future kitties/children/what have you.
All of my heart,
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in