When you read this it is already too late to mean anything to you, but I can’t let us end the way that we did. I hope you actually take the time to read this entire letter not only for me but for you as well.
This letter is the best way I could think of to try to explain myself and what happened. I loved you Cameron, more than anyone else in the world, including myself. And maybe that’s the problem, it’s hard to feel like you love and care about someone so much more than they do you. Even after everything that you put me through and when I should have hated your guts and wanted nothing to do with you, I still found myself defending you and your actions, making excuses for you, which was wrong of me because even if I wasn’t perfect and our relationship wasn’t perfect, there was no excuse for you to absolutely destroy me in the way that you did.
I try to remember the happy things……
A memory that haunts me almost every day is the first and most beautiful memory I have of you, it’s right after the first time I had sex with you and water was running down your face and your lips were pink, I kissed you, you looked me in my eyes and I thought you were perfect, when I think back to that image I have of you and who I thought you were all is destroyed and broken….I no longer see that beautiful man and strong person, I see you for who you really are. I fell in love with that man, but reality is he isn’t real.
I’m not sure if I will ever really get over the betrayal and hurt that you caused me. I thought that I could, I thought that if I pretended and acted like you didn’t break my heart, then eventually I would start to believe it and we could go back to what we had. I don’t think you will ever truly be able to understand what I went through and how hard I tried, because I did, I put my all into trying to make you and make it work. I really cared for you I did what no other female would. I stepped up. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone unless I planned on being completely faithful which I was. I realized I was nothing more than an emotional buffer to you, all I wanted was for you to fight for us and try, turn out you never did.
You shouldn’t have let me sit through forgiveness and letting go of anger for months and me trying to be better and planning out a happy summer…if anything that hurts me most, because last summer was horrible for me and that is my own fault I should have left…I didn’t and it was horrible you shouldn’t have let me believe for months and months that we were finally going to be and focus on our future and promise me this summer and say things like soon baby, and send me emails and poems about how much you love me it isn’t fair sending me pictures and me thinking nothing was going on…I asked you so many times, so many times and you just lied!!!!!!
You knew me better than anyone else and you have always been there for me and I have never wanted to lose you, you build up my sexuality and the things we shared together. It’s weird for me to even begin to imagine what my life is going to be like without you in it. Because every time I have pictured my life over the past 2 years you have always been in it, right by my side. I honestly believed that. I thought one day we would finally get the hang of it and we would get married and have a cute story and live happily ever after, as delusional as that may have been. Every time I think we could work it out and move past our issues you surprise me with a new one.
After we started hanging out again I tried to put everything behind me, I forgave you and I tried to forget about her, the lying, the sneaking around, and the terrible way you made me feel about myself daily but it was always in the back of my head. I would be happy for a moment and then I’d be reminded of something that happened. It was a terrible feeling. I didn’t like the person that everything was causing me to turn into, I was a bitch to you and I caused a lot of stupid little fights. I’ll take blame for that, it’s my fault for letting my insecurities control my life, but at the same time I wouldn’t have those insecurities if it wasn’t for the things you have done and said to and if you could cheat on me before what was going to stop you now, and I couldn’t stop wondering if she was there with you. I needed you to fight for this relationship; I needed to see that you did care about losing me. But you didn’t, and that hurts so much. All I have ever wanted was for you to realize that I was special and though you might have said it, I never really felt like you meant it… I could feel us already slipping into our old habits so maybe it’s for the best we are not together, maybe we are better apart. I’m not really sure, but it hurts not having you in my life.. Because even if we had moments where we hated each other and couldn’t get along for the life of us, we also had some amazing times together. I have had so many moments where I would look at you and just be so in love and so happy with you, tickling you and over Christmas seeing you and driving and having calmness and love eating KFC in a hotel room, just sitting on the couch watching one of our shows, I can’t watch Power without thinking about you, I just can’t picture myself ever finding someone who I have that kind of connection with. That’s the hard thing though because I have no idea if you ever really felt the same way. I don’t know if you did and I keep thinking about that, the feet rubbing the things I loved, the belly rubbing and just being my complete self, it’s so hard to understand all those memories of the last year aren’t true, it feels like a huge gigantic lie.
I want to apologize for ever making you feel like you couldn’t come to me and like we couldn’t just work out our problems, maybe someday you will take blame, for destroying us and destroying this but I’m not waiting for it, you seem too considered with yourself and that will never change. Either way I will always wonder what would have happened if I had done things differently. I don’t hate you; I will always love you, no matter what happens. You will always be the guy I compare everyone to, in the good things, I will look now if someone has more values and I’ll make sure they have some and not none like you, I want you to know that I wouldn’t take back a second of our relationship. The ups and the downs, the amazing times and the horrible times, the inside jokes and laughter, even the fighting , the abuse and the tears, it’s all had a huge impact on the person I am today and I’m thankful for all of it. I never would have thought that the night I met you, you would have ended up being such a huge part of my life. Some of my best memories I have are with you and for that I’m so happy. Some of the worst times I have ever had are also with you, some of the moments where I just wanted to be done, and thought I can’t do this anymore, and just wanted to give up, and the moments where you broke me down until I felt nothing it all taught me that I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was and its thanks to you. I have learned a lesson of great value and although our beautiful memories hurt me, I know you can’t and you won’t love me how I should be loved, I can be horrible at times, but also gentle, sensual sweet and loving so loving towards you I was before you started destroying me, and I believe that if you were an honest man and I waited and gave me this summer, the summer I deserved after last summer it would have been okay, and that’s not a regret I have to carry, I flew over and I fought for you, every round ….just like your poem, with bruised knuckles after being knocked down, I always got up for you, the fact that you never did for me, and that you didn’t fight one battle alone, or got in that ring…you just simply walked out and took defeat.
I think you liked the thought of me more, than actually loving me. I think you really fell in love with me and the email you send on the 10th of may does speak truth, but the fact that you never helped me and weren’t doing anything for us but cheating and not focusing on me, is because you lost faith and cared about yourself more and I think that’s who you are..It’s the same with Lashelle..instead of working on your marriage with your pregnant wife, you chose me as an escape and never stayed and fought for her or Alex, I don’t know what happened before that, but that you say ” if it wasn’t for you, I could have had my family disgusts me” if it wasn’t for yourself Cameron.
I can proudly say I tried Cameron, I forgave you! I stayed, I fought with everything in my heart to make sure I did everything I could to make it work and make us work because I loved you,
I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to move on and get over you, but I’m not really sure if I want to.. I also want to thank you for everything you have done for me over the years. I know at times it may have seemed like I didn’t fully appreciate you or the things you did, and maybe I came across as ungrateful. But I want you to know that I did notice and appreciate it, even if I didn’t express it the way that I should have. I have gotten to see a side of you that not many people have. You can be so caring and sweet and. But you also have this side of you that frankly scares the shit out of me, you can just be so full of hate and rage it’s like it’s not even you sometimes. I really hope that one day you will find a way to deal with the problems you have instead of always running from them like you are doing now and did with Lashelle, jumping ship and trying to numb your feelings it doesn’t work, what you have going on, I wanted to fix with you, but I realize I can’t fix it, she can’t no one can you need to fix it.
I love you,
always and forever