It’s been three years

It’s been three years

It’s been three years

LTME postJen, its been three years since you left me. I still think of you at least once an hour everyday. I hate sometimes that I still think of you in a loving way after breaking my heart. I don’t know, maybe I put you up too high up on the pedestal. I won’t lie being with you was the best time of my life. Being in love with you was the most fun i had experienced on earth. Sure I have been in love many times before, in fact I do love who am I with now. But, the sad truth is, nothing compares to what I felt for you.

The crazy part there is no one level of being n love. I have been in love before but I have discovered there are different levels you can achieve depending on who you are with. I think it goes to how really deep down comfortable you can be with someone. I think that is what separates the different levels of love. With you I was completely myself. With others there was always something not to joke about or say or do. But with you nothing was off limits. I loved you for that. Some people may never get to experience a higher level of love because they think that what they have found is the best there is at that point. You set the bar too high, and I will be forever tortured trying to achieve the utter bliss I had experienced with you. I would like to think that maybe you sometimes look back and realize the same with me.

Now that you have gone off and married another I can’t help to think that it was a rebound, in fact I know it was. I guess it hurts to know I could be replaced. I often wonder if maybe I really wasn’t. I remember some of the last conversations we had as you were trying to let go but still talking to me even though you were with him. You mentioned that you were tired of coming up with stuff to do with him and that I was a fun guy. Well now that you are married I wonder if that excitement has broken down and that maybe the domestic bliss you thought you wanted turned out to be much more tedious than you expected. I know why you fell for him. It was pure rebound. I’m sure of it. Plus he chased you. You like the chase, and the fact that your GF had a crush on him made him seem all that much more desirable.

I think he is a guy with low self esteem probably dumped by some other girl and was lonely. You told me he was in love with you only after 2 weeks of being together with him. Co dependent as they come. You and I on the hand developed over time and it grew in to a real love. You even admitted to me that you didn’t know what real love was until you met me. That even though you were married for 15 years, you never loved your husband that much, but you married him anyway because you didn’t know any better. Played right into the rebound scenario.

I can’t help but think you will get bored real soon with him, as you seemed to rush into that whole relationship too fast, I.E because of the rebound. The grass isn’t always greener syndrome. You stated several times before we cut off communication that I was way better lover than he is, I was a better at conversations and doing fun things. You seemed to respect me more etc. I know that fact he chased you turned you on. Of course, he is a loser, he wasnt going to find anyone else as good as you, so he asked you to marry him.

I know it had to be that Xmas eve that you got engaged, because that was the last time you texted me. How ironic if he only knew you had been texting me again up to that point and even wished me Merry Xmas. And there lies the hypocrisy. During that time you were texting me again even though you were with him, felt like old times and I even noticed that spark between us from a distance. But in the end he trumped me and asked you to marry him. I guess that extinguished any sort of spark between us. But I know you it had to kill you to cut me off but what could you do, you had to do the right thing especially if you were going to get married. I still can’t help thinking that somewhere deep down you had me in your heart, but felt you had to woman up and do the right thing. I give you props for that. I would expect you to cut off any communication with your ex if you were marrying me. But I will still always wonder if that was really and truly what would make you happy. Or did you get caught up in it. I really wouldn’t be surprised to hear you got divorced down the road. I know once the thrill of the chase and everyday life rolls on that you won’t wake up and realize that you just got caught up in a fantasy. Especially with a guy that doesn’t get you feeling the ultimate bliss down to your core like I did. I know it sounds like sour grapes, but i know you. The real you. And you know I know you better than anyone else on this planet. I think maybe that even scared you a bit that you let yourself that vulnerable. Maybe its safer to be with someone who really doesn’t know you deep down in side. But I still think that will only lose its luster after some time. Who knows maybe i’m wrong, but i really don’t think so. How many times after the brake up did you contact me and tell me that you wished we could run off together. You would say these things even after being n a relationship with him for 6 months. Maybe you should have looked deep into your heart and realize what was going on, but how could you. The one flaw you had was you had no experience with serious relationships. You got married young and didn’t know any better. So you couldn’t recognize a rebound when it hit you.

I know you think that what you have with him is what you “think” you want. But I know deep down otherwise. You will probably cheat on him as you have been known to do when you are bored. Hell , that is one reason I didn’t chase after you, even as much as I loved you I had my doubts that you would be there for me in the long run and that you could get bored. and lets face it that time in the back seat of my car when you fucked me you did behind his back you already cheated on him albeit before you were married yes but you were still going dow that road.

At the very least you should have taken some time and dated more before rushing out and marring the second guy you were with after you got divorced. As for as in many relationships it came down to timing. It was us not getting along. It wasn’t that we burned out. Quite the contrary you wanted to rush off and married me. And I did want to be with you but I wanted to take my time I wanted you to get some distance form your ex husband before we started to plan a life together. I wanted ho to calm down stop stalking us etc.

Your divorce wounds were still fresh. We had plenty of time to be together, get married etc. I guess you took that to mean I didn’t want to be with you, but i had my own relationship loose ends to tie up as well. Thats why I think you ran off with this guy, to get back to the wedded bliss you thought you wanted. But again i know you, when the time is right for you it would work you being married, but i just didn’t think the time is right. Look how many people we all know that get caught up in the marriage excitement, but then reality hits and they are divorced. I didn’t that to happen to us i wanted to take our time and plan accordingly, We had so much fun together, I just didn’t want to squash it all by getting married too fast and have you leave me because you got bored. we could worked into it. But what did you do in the end. Found someone to chase after and marry you. i’m sure you think that he loves you more than me because he ran off to marry. But I know better, it was pure rebound for both of you. I would love to be a fly on the wall to see if that marriage is rally all its cracked up to be. I can’t hep to think you still think of me. I mean if you are truly done with me why do you keep me on Facebook as a friend? I know its to keep tabs on me. I guess that is one way to keep me in your life. Strange though, you wouldn’t return my texts or return my calls after you presumably got engaged but you keep me as a friend on a social networking site. why??? I guess the better reason why don’t I unfriend you? because for me its become a test to see if you ever have the guts to totally let go of me. Oh I don’t have any illusions of grandeur that you will suddenly reach out to me to talk again, even if you did get divorced. I know you would never have the balls to reach out to me. But the fact you still can’t seem to totally move on intrigues me. I have ex’s good relationships that did not end badly that won’t friend me on FB because they feel they have moved on. Ok I get that. But the fact you come off as moving on but still keep me as a friend. I still can’t seem to find the “Fuck You” attitude to unfriend you. I guess I like to think that maybe you are somehow in some small way still pining for me. And not because I think you would come back to me but to think that maybe you are a little tortured and that maybe my theory that I’m more special to you than you thought. I guess I’ll never know.

I can’t stand the constant memories of you. They torture me endlessly. every hour of everyday. I have tried to replace them with activities, friends lovers etc. But i guess I’m still stuck in time. I would hate to think you never think of me and i find it outright unfair if you don’t. Why do I have to be tortured and you get to be happy? But who knows maybe just maybe you do miss me too. The cruel fact is that i will probably never ever see you again in my life. There is a sort of saddened to that fact. But i guess that is life right. How many people have we had in our lives that we never see again? Friends lovers classmates family etc. A psychologist I know said to think of an end of a relationship as a great vacation. And now the vacation is over.

Profound yes but i don’t like to think of that way. However, i do know I have had ex’s return after some time and even tried to date them again. It never worked out. Shame. Seems like timing is a big part of relationships. I still think you and I could have made it work though. But at this pint I guess I will never ever know. Short of a miracle chance meeting. I know I can never reach out to you again. and I know you couldn’t reach out to me. I guess we will have to see if random chance and fate lends a hand.


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