In order to be the first guy to break my heart, you had to be the first guy to have a piece of it, so for that, congratulations. You and I both know attaining that piece of my heart took forever, and in turn, getting over you took nothing less. Your name once filled my mind with the idea of forever, my stomach with butterflies, and my face with pain caused by an everlasting smile. Now my mind if filled with the idea of never again, my stomach with nausea, and my face with that same pain now caused by distinct muscles moving in the opposite direction.
Dear my once baby boy,
Where do I start? It’s been almost a year since I saw you last, and over six months since I took away your power to hurt me. I’ve thought about what I would tell you if we ever spoke again, and changed my words a million times, reflecting how I’ve felt through this course. First, an I love you, then an I hate you, and lastly, an I hate what you did to me, but love all of the lessons I learned in the process. Its no longer about you, but about me.
Now the us: You started off as my friend, I’ll never forget you telling me with certainty that I was going to fall for you, and I remember hating you for being the first person to challenge me. I knew then that you were different, but different was never my style. You were broken, and I had just built myself up, the more I helped you, the weaker I got, I gave you some of my pieces, and I saw you for the first time become whole. This was enough to complete me. I learned to live with a piece of myself in the hands of someone else. That was until that someone else walked away with that piece… I went from hating being on the phone, to rushing home, knowing I was going to hear your sweet voice. I went from hating pictures, to taking as many as I could in hopes of finding the perfect one to get a reaction out of you, I learned to uncover my heart little by little, because the more uncovered it was, the more sensitive, but overwhelmingly wonderful sharing it with you felt.
I am now left with a bunch of information I don’t know what to do with, like your parents name, your favorite color, your favorite food, your insecurities, and of course the parts of you that became ours, our songs, my virginity- which became yours. Either way, through this process I’ve learned so much about myself, that it’s hard to hate you.
I cried myself to sleep for weeks, drugged myself to sleep once I no longer could cry myself into stupor, and somehow learned to fall asleep on queue when I needed a break from missing you. I learned to smile because I was alive rather than smile because you were alive.
Now I’ll stop being dramatic, and tell you the truth of how it all happened. Slowly, and then all at once. I didn’t realize I cared about you nearly as much as I did until we broke it off. I thought it was impossible to miss someone I never saw, and I thought it was impossible for a girl like me to be attached to her virginity, but somehow, our conversations, which at first passed time, became all I wanted. Talking to you felt like talking to myself, because you were the male version of me.
Because of you I learned to have higher expectations for myself, I learned to put myself in terrifying situations, because even if they end up painfully horrible, I will come out okay (with a letter in hand). Now for your update, I moved to Miami, got an amazing internship at a PR firm and have met such inspiring people, reminding me why I belong in a city like this. I transferred schools again, built an amazing relationship with my mom, and got a job at JCREW, so feel free to come in and visit if you are ever in town. I learned that in order to feel good, I need to look good, and when I feel good, the world is in the palm of my hands. I learned that I am perfectly capable at making people feel good, and that is why I will never again play hard to get, rather hard to forget. I wish you all the best in this adventure we call life, and truly hope you meet someone who makes you feel as happy as I was when I was with you, and who teaches you as much as I learned in the process! But most importantly, I hope that one day you will be as happy by your self as I learned to be after I lost you. Thank you, thank you, and thank you for being a part of my life!
(P.s. it wasn’t easy dating someone who knew my every thought, despite the fact that I concealed everything… you were always right. And clearly, you were the one who held the power between us. Don’t take that manipulative ability you have for granted, use it to make millions, which I know you will. Not before I will though… And yes that was a challenge!)