Dear My First Love

Dear My First Love

Dear My First Love

LTME postDear my first love,

You know I’ve never been good with words so let’s take this slow.

From the moment I met you, I knew you were an ass. It was obvious you had a front up and honestly did not give one shit to what people thought of you.

The first thing I remember about you was when we were standing in line waiting for our chance to brag ourselves into our summer position, which you would automatically get because of course, you’re the best shot in Canada.
While we were chatting each other up I tried to pronounce your name and you told me to straight up “Fuck off” because I said it wrong. But I didn’t let you get away with being an asshole then. And I never let you again after that.
Maybe that’s when you first really saw me, A Newfoundlander that wasn’t going to take your shit.

And that started our wonderful summer together.

I won’t lie, it was definitely a learning process, for both of us. I don’t know how you dealt with my indecisiveness about…everything.

You were far more ready for that relationship then I was, which you had no problem letting me know, and I was grateful for it. It didn’t take long for us to get what we both wanted, each other.

I fell in love with you in four weeks. What a nice feeling that was.

My first love.

I told you.

And you said it back.

Someone loved me.

You showered me with compliments and made me feel so wonderful, I never had a doubt you thought different. You always made sure I was happy, and that we were happy together.

You were my first kiss, my first picnic, my first sexual everything. I would never have changed our rare moments alone together for anything.

Our time together was magical. The feelings I had for you are indescribable, but I guess that’s what love is. We knew we only had 8 weeks but we were going to make the most of it.

The summer ended and my parting from camp was…devastating to be honest. That Saturday was already hard enough and having to leave without saying goodbye was heart breaking. We had decided to break it off before heading back to our opposite coasts, and I hated that decision.

Which you were quite aware of as we started to go back out a week after.

We wanted to defy the odds of Long distance.

Maybe we would be the 1% that made it work.

How drunk in love I was.

I should had left our relationship at camp. Texting around your work schedule, skyping when I was in bed, our phone calls on your lunch break, all took a toll.

I thought it was worth it. I loved you and you loved me. We could work through it. You wanted me to be happy, and I was happiest with you.

I never thought that you would tell me I wasn’t the one, three times, and I would be stupid enough to say “Its okay”. I never thought we would plan our breakup months ahead of time. I never thought of how broken I would be when I found out that you were only dating me because you thought I was happy, and not because you wanted to. I never thought I could be so angry for so long. And I definitely didn’t think i could fall out of love as fast as I did.

You broke me for awhile. My anger for you hid what I actually felt, and I thought I had gotten over you. What a lie that was. Although I would never, ever date you again, I am still content with what we did have before it went downhill. I’ve let my anger fade below the crazy ex girlfriend level, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you for what you did to me. I thought I was so independent, so strong on my own, I rely on my stubborn hardhead to get through tough times.
But that weekend I spent crying in my room miserably, and the following week where I would cry for no reason at all is not something I can forget. You made me feel like I was useless, my walls I had spent years building up were suddenly crumbling and I didn’t know what to do.

Do you remember that friend I used to talk about that I had a crush on all last year? Well, not long after we broke up we started dating. I know, I rebounded, but at the time I still hated you. And he made me feel better when I did not want to be. So why not?

But I find myself constantly comparing my new relationship to you.

To how you would smile at the sight of me, to how you would hold me, to how you would grab me and kiss me and make me feel like the most beautiful person in the world although I know I’m not. To how you would show me you love me with your late night texts and early morning paragraphs.

How he doesn’t look at me the same, how he doesn’t take control like you used to, how he’s not “full of life” and would rather stay quiet then be loud, which you thought I hated, but I secretly loved. When he constantly reminds me of how much he enjoys our time together and is excited to see where we go, I can’t help but to wish he was a bit more like you. It breaks my heart that I can’t fall head over heels for this boy right now no matter how much I want too. Because nothing he makes me feel, comes close to how you did. But maybe He doesn’t need to. Maybe if I just give him a chance it could be so much greater.

I’m myself now, I am not blinded by hatred or love. And I know I deserve so much more, that what you could give me was not what I needed. You only wanted me to be happy and I thank you for caring. I hope that soon, you become merely a memory, a wonderful experience I had. There are greater moments to come for me and I am ready to greet them.



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