I always have this stupid need to say everything, to recapitulate it and not leave anything up in the air. I’m writing this for myself, to get it off my chest, but let’s be real, we all know I’m probably going to put your email in the little box down there.
Finally, I’m aware what I act like when I drink and why you resent me for it. I understand how it drained the love out of that big heart of yours. I am truly sorry. I know it’s too late now but I have decided never to drink again and you know I haven’t been drinking in months.
You are beautiful, inside and outside but I lost trust in you, you know the things you did that made me resent you. I got caught in the blaming game and I didn’t give you the love you deserved. I think I was always trying to change and control you because I somehow thought that if you do everything right, it would bring back that trust that I lost. With all my heart I wanted to trust you, I just didn’t know how to repair the damage that has been done before. We were never able to sit down and have a real conversation because I come on so strong and you always shut down. I know you felt as if you can never be right and what’s the point of talking if no one listens to you? I am sorry, I truly am.
For those ten years, sometimes I loved you and sometimes I didn’t. I even wanted to quit once, but you begged me to stay and I learned to love you again. I decided to forget all the issues and go for it but we’ve never addressed them and they’ve crept up on us again and destroyed us from the inside. Because of it, I was never sure, I never knew if I should give you everything, if I should propose to you. There was always that doubt. Now that I’ve lost you, I know I love you and that I want to spend my life with you and I regret not asking you to be my wife years before. Funny how that happens, ain’t it? I’m willing to do anything so I’m reading books and going to a therapist. I’m truly trying to change and find a way but it seems it’s too late now. After all we’ve tried and after how much I changed, you still said it’s too hard for and that you don’t have any energy left to try and fix us. I never quit on us, no matter how hard it was, and to be ho nest, I resent you because you did. You promised we’ll be together for the rest of our lives… Still, I understand what you’re going trough and I understand how hard it is to see us together again.
Sometimes I hate you for giving me hope, for not saying that you truly don’t love me anymore, for not saying you want me to give up and for saying you might call one day. It makes me angry just thinking about it. You say it’s best we don’t contact each other but you won’t say that you want me to give up. Man, does it grind my gears. It’s like you’re still keeping me as a backup because you think that that I’ll come back running if you call. Those kind of mind games are driving me insane and making me hate myself. Sometimes I want to tell you to forget about me and, if you quit now, never to call me again so that you know that I’m gone and that there are consequences to your actions but … I just can’t… I love you to death and I still want you back.
All we’ve got left to do now is to exchange our stuff in a few days and after that we’re trough. You have no idea how hard it to sever all ties with you and to say goodbye but I can’t go on with my life hoping you’ll come back. I’m thinking of you every waking hour and I can’t heal like this. I can’t stop thinking that I never really loved you if I stop loving you now and I just can’t allow myself to think that I’ve been lying to myself for those ten years.
I want you to know I’m trying to forgive you and I don’t want to resent you anymore. I don’t know if it means anything to you anymore but I am really sorry for everything I did to drive you away.
I’ll hate myself for saying this but … call me if you change your mind.