This is for you.

This is for you.

This is for you.

LTME-postDearest Catrena,
I can see you’re happy with your life and whom you’ve filled it with, and if you’re truly eased at heart, so be it, I’m happy for you too. I’ve dug deep within myself to search for the words to write to you, nothing short of pulling them out by hand. I truly forgive you, for how things transpired between you and I. I’ve grown to know you can’t control another persons emotions, only your own. I will not tread forward in life with with negativity and bitterness, especially about you. You’ve been nothing shy of a miracle to my life, regardless of where we are now. I was in limbo when I met you, floating day from day wondering if my life is even worth living. I never admitted that to you, I didn’t want to seem weak and scare you off. I tuck stuff away and bury it. But you were my savior, but I never wanted you to get the wrong idea about my infatuation for you. From day one I was yours, truly. And it’s about damn time I admit this to someone, and the only person I know in this world that would understand is you. I haven’t spoken of this since I was 8 years old. It’s been 16 years since its left my lips (because no one believed me when it happened both times, I was a child that had a imagination to them. Even my mother). I was sexually molested. Fuck it hurts to even write that. But at the same time it feels good I’m telling someone that understands. I’d rather not explain to how that effects me even this long down the road in my life, but as well as you know me, it may give you answers to why I act a certain way to certain things. And you know what? You’re the first person I’ve had in my life to ever make me feel like I was loved. Inside and out. Regardless of my flaws and faults. Damn, I felt like you already knew what happened to me. To carry on, from that dim moment leads to this.
I’ve drifted from one girl to the next, always thinking I’ve found what I need and want from a partner. I was always lying to myself. After all I’ve experienced, I can whole heartedly say from the time we were together, you were the first woman I truly loved, on the scale of it being true and without any eclipse of doubt or any equivalent. You made me a better me, a better Matthew. I finally had goals, and new outlook on life. I wasn’t coasting anymore, you put fuel in my engine. The sky was the limit. And I had the best person I could possibly imagine right next to me. You are my best friend. Seriously.
I want to thank you for all the fond, beautiful memories you have given me over our time. They truly were the brightest, happiest moments of my life. I will never forget them, and they will be compared till my call beckons. And of course I would love to make more, but, at this time, it’s simply not the time. If you’re happy, I’m happy for you. I care and love you that deeply that I wish nothing but the best for you, even if it isn’t me pressing. Those eyes of yours tell a story of a beautiful soul brought up in a crazy world. You’re one of a kind, and you cannot be replaced.
I’m sure by now you’ve found a item in your envelope. Yes, go ahead and look inside. You found it? Good. I purchased it at the beginning of September. I used the money I got from my 401k. The white lie was I told you I used it to pay bills lol. Sorry! It was going to be given to you on the first snowfall in December. It was to be a promise to be your partner, for life. That I was so undeniably in love, that I wouldn’t want to spend it with another soul. Never felt that way before you. And even though, we aren’t together, I want you to have it. I’m true to myself and to others, especially you. It’s yours. It will never hold weight to anyone but you. And I want you to have it, even if our paths don’t cross again, you’ll have it to always remember me. To know a man loved you and cared for you on a level that is not common in our crazy world. To know that no matter where your life goes I’m always going to have a place in my heart for you, and will always be here. With a hand out to help. As a friend, a lover, or a companion. Take it as you wish, it’s for you to decide what it means to you. I know what it means to me with you having it. Even though I feel I was cut from your life, I want it to show to you, that even the deepest cut heals and forgives.
I’d be lying if I said I was whole, but you have half of me sprouting from you like a shadow in the light. You can keep it, cause I know he’s happier living in your shadow than coming home to fit inside the wrong puzzle piece.

Catrena, a moment for music lyrics
“I see you writhing in pain from all the hell that you’ve seen,
You left it all for a life that never satisfied you.
Unloved by the world you lost it all to conform to,
There’s still hope in the voice that’s crying out inside you.
If you can hear it, you still have time…
Come back to your home, and all you’re running from.
come back to your home, and all you’re running from.
come back.
You are not what you’ve done, and this is not who you are.
No matter how far you run, you have not gone too far.”

You’ll always be welcome back to your “home”. As a friend, or more. You’re always welcome to reach out to me.

And in case you forgot.. “Hey you dropped this” ***-***-****

Matthew (Theodore)


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