The past four days have been the longest of my life. My nights have been sleepless, my days hopeless, my mind clueless, my dreams visionless, my memories priceless. They say, you never miss the waters until the well runs dry. I always try to recall the many times you made me feel whole and alive, I realize how naïve and imprudent I was to take your love for granted. Since you left my life has stagnated. I find no pleasure in all that I loved doing there before. I used to think tears were meant for women and weak men, not until tears became my only companion. My days are now engulfed in tears and occasional sleep. I am too weak to work or walk around. My appetite has been affected significantly. I had invested a lot emotionally and physically to ensure that this relationship worked. We built the Titanic of our love for years to stand the test of time. We offered our innocence and all our energies to make it work, but an encounter with a single iceberg has altered everything. For four days now, the Titanic is slowly sinking. My frantic efforts to salvage it are bearing no fruits.
I never knew how ugly I was, until the beauty Queen left my life. I never knew how bare and naked I was, until you took the veil of love off me. Am no different from a diver whose aqualung has stopped working down below the depths. Am gasping for breath, it is just a matter of time before my eulogy is read. The break up has hit me so hard! If apologizing for my blunder makes me weak, then I don’t want to be strong at all. I don’t want to vindicate myself or explain anything about what happened, but am really sorry for what happened. Forgive me for failing to treat you the way you deserved. If I were you, I’d have taken the same step, perhaps earlier. I’m really flattered to imagine about how patient you were with me for that long. You fought for us when I needed you most. You comforted me when life was hitting me so hard. In my failures you always reassured me that I’d do better. I have lost a wife, I’ve lost a companion, I’ve lost a teacher, I’ve lost a best friend, I’ve lost the reflection of my perfectness. My eyes are always on the phone, waiting for your texts in vain.
I was foolish to think that I’d handle the storms of life without you. They say you never know how strong you are, until strength is the only choice you have. The only strength I have left is to pour my sorrows on paper. Am lost, beaten, bruised, battered, bettered, and brutalized. My haters are now rejoicing. They have succeeded in tearing us apart but they can’t access the vault that keeps my memories with you. They won’t have it until I die and I won’t die easily either. I wish I knew the cost of repossessing your love. I’d lay down anything for the lady I so much love. The understanding that good things don’t last gives me a ray of hope bearing in mind that at some point in life I never walked alone. I had the most beautiful lady for a companion. Since our first meeting in the van from school to the last time we met when I offered you the soapstone carvings, I have the sweetest memories to carry along with me. Thanks for being the center of the sweetest memories I ever had in my life. Gentle one, you deserve the best because you are a goddess born to human by mistake. I will always regard you highly. My dream is to see you happy always, with or without me. My heart will remain intact, awaiting for our reunion. I just recalled the poem I dedicated to you on Valentines’ Day, slightly over a month ago;
I loved you first: but afterwards your love
Outsoaring mine, sang such a loftier song
As drowned the friendly cooings of my dove.
Which owes the other most? my love was long,
And yours one moment seemed to wax more strong;
I loved and guessed at you, you construed me
And loved me for what might or might not be –
Nay, weights and measures do us both a wrong.
For verily love knows not ‘mine’ or ‘thine;’
With separate ‘I’ and ‘thou’ free love has done,
For one is both and both are one in love:
Rich love knows nought of ‘thine that is not mine;’
Both have the strength and both the length thereof,
Both of us, of the love which makes us one.
Christina Rossetti (1830-1894).
Queen Mother, wherever you go, always remember there is that one man that loved you with all his heart. He squandered his chances but he regarded you highly. I have no regrets whatsoever for the time we spent together. I would wish to have another chance. Am now more mature, wiser, and more responsible. As we walk our separate ways, I would like to ask the good Lord to guard your steps. May you understand that mistakes happen in life and nobody is perfect. Love is about dialogue, sharing, understanding, and solving challenges that come along together. The best relationships were not made by perfect people. The most successful of marriages were not smooth always. New shoes don’t fit perfectly always. It takes time for the feet to fit fully. Relationships are like shoes, how you handle challenges together determine how far you can go together. The quality of wine improves with age. I expected us to blend even better with age. Unfortunately, that was never to be the case. I wish you the best of experiences as you take another challenge. My prayer is that you come back. In case you do, you will find me where you left me. In case you don’t, take good memories with you. Remember my good deeds, forget my wrongdoings. You have it all: intelligence, talent, beauty, gracefulness, dignity, and wisdom. May they guide you in the new challenges you take. May blessings follow you everywhere. I leave you with my darling poem, Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare. To any man who will come across this letter, never take your lady for granted. If you fail to accord her the respect and loyalty she deserves, someone else will! With lots of love and ‘misments’.