Heyyy Sheru

Uhh..I don’t know how to start this. I’ll just hi? Anyways. There are just a few things I wanted to say to you. Get them off my chest. I’ll just say them now. Even if you come across this letter, you can chose to not read it, but I request that you do, if only for my sake.

I’m sorry. In all the chaos, i guess somewhere, I forgot to say i’m sorry. We never really said our apologies. we didn’t end things on a neat note. We just….messed up I guess. and it’s okay. I’m saying this now. I know there is no chance you will ever read this. You won’t go looking for crazy sites to write about me like I do lol. But I’ll still say things, and i’ll try my best at saying all this. I’m sorry for never using the cover you got designed for me. I really am. Looking back, I should have used it wholeheartedly. I should have loved it. Loved it like I loved you. I guess that was a heady period for me. Too much of everything. Too much anger, Too much love too much hate too much chaos. Goddd I need to apologize for so many things.
I’m sorry for my temper. The rudeness. The toxity. Everything. I’m sorry. I’m also sorry for the way I made you feel sometimes. I’m sorry for the way we ended. I shouldn’t have said all that I did.
But most of all, I’m sorry for doubting you on your decision to leave. That is what this letter is going to be about.
For ages I went back and forth in my head. Did you love me? If you loved me why did you leave? Will you come back? was it just a lie? did you just play me? I kept repeating the same questions. I doubted every second of us. The entire thing. That’s what happens when you have a messed up brain. I used to ask Mudassir why you left me, and he told me you never loved me. I believed him. It was so easy to believe that. I asked Annie the same question and she told me you are an arsehole. I believed that too. It was easy to forget you when the people around me hated you. Did it work for make me forget you? No. Did I get over you? Maybe.

It wasn’t until recently, that i really got my answers. All of them. One by one. I don’t know if it was time, or God. or fate. I realized how you sometimes have to just turn away, no matter how much it hurts. I saw how you can love someone and still leave. Did you love me enough to leave me? life gave me a question and I thought of you. You loved me enough to leave me. I don’t hold it against you. I understand why you chose to, and it was the right decision. I wanted to stop you so bad, I guess I had too much ego to act on it. I never really thought of me as egotistic until recently. So much has happened in these two years Sheru, so much. So much that left me with more answers than I had questions. I thought of us as an unresolved puzzle, I never really realized our problems until now. I thought I owed you an apology. I don’t hate you anymore, I don’t even dislike you. I’ve just arrived at a conclusion. A closure. Shiza always said we never got a closure. This is the closure. Our story was beautiful, and maybe in it’s own time, it’s the best love story ever. but maybe, it just wasn’t meant for any other time. That was our time, we had our reign. Thinking back, it was so necessary, what you did.

And then here is the second thing. I never got to say “Thank you”. Thank you for loving me. For those silent calls when i would be up afraid all night. thank you for those voice notes you sent me when i complained you don’t call enough. Thank you for always calling me back when I talked of leaving and in the end, thank you for leaving me. Thank you for being the bigger person. Thank you for being strong. Thank you. because that experience gave me one million lessons. in life. in love. as a person. I was a terrible excuse for a human being. I probably still am, but maybe a little less 🙂
I spent so much time hating you Sheru, I forgot to look around me. I forgot to look inside me. I guess you changed me for the better. I won’t repeat the same mistakes in my future relationships. I know so much more about love and life that i feel like i knew nothing back then. It’s been almost two years but I feel like i grew so much that I can’t really put it in words right now.

This is why i needed to write this letter. I wish you well. You are perfect sheru, don’t let anyone dull your shine. I wish you a beautiful grande finale.

Love always,
Mari.