It may have been a while since we last spoke and because of that I need you to understand that I cannot forgive you, and not just because you raped me.
Ever since we broke up and before hand I blamed my self for everything that was going wrong. By wrong I mean what you did and how you accused me of causing you to do those things. Every argument you said that I didn’t see what I had done and we had to talk about what I had done, never what you did. You constantly tried telling me that you didn’t trust other guys and because of that I had to not wear anything revealing, tight, short or bright as it might attract attention, you even prevented me from talking to friends I had known for years because they were male, I am very lucky that they understood.
It worried me to think I am writing this, all the thought and feelings coming rushing back, even though the fear, self loathing, hate, wishful thinking, desperate need for everything not to be true has never left me, that someone might find this and take offence. This is the continued affect it still has on me but not the only one. But we will get to that.
I feel that my current relationship is affected by you actions. However long ago they happened. I am happy with my fiance, and I know that he would never do anything to hurt me, however I cant get rid of the memories of what you did which caused me to react to the simplest of things, I jump, apologize and almost cry because that’s the reaction you caused when you knocked off the fallout 3 ornament off your shelf when your alarm went off because you decided that a nap was more important than me who had traveled across the country, with the last of my student money, to see you.
I struggle with new people because you raped me. We were together around two years and in that time you Taught me to not only hate myself but others. I didn’t believe anyone could love me until I met my fiance, even then it was a rocky start because the last guy to claim he loved me took it all back in the end. I still hear from the guy I lost my virginity to that you “never loved me” and that you don’t believe I was a virgin in the beginning of our relationship. That’s OK though, its bothering me less and less every day.
Whats worse? I remember that moment you raped me like it was yesterday. I wish I fought more. I wish I protected myself. You regularly told me that no one could hear me down stairs because we were in the loft, so the day it happened I didn’t scream and I wish I did. I was so scared of you. I told you “no” twice and even tried to push you off. In the end I gave in. What was the point? You were going to do it anyway. I couldn’t look at you as you did that, I wish I could have, maybe then you would have seen just how much you hurt me. Not physically. But emotionally. I had been trying to get out of the relationship at the time. The months before had every time we had an argument and I tried to break up with you, you would stalk me. I would get texts saying you were outside and not leaving until I went to talk with you. In the end every time I would break because you knew I wouldn’t leave you out there. You appealed to my good nature and won.
In the end you broke us up. I begged for you back because I was pregnant. You didn’t know. I miss carried with my baby a few months later, I will never forgive my self. I had taken to drinking which was probably the cause, however much I blame my self I am also great full, if the child was going to be anything like my abuser I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I would now be apologizing for having to give the child up for adoption because I couldn’t do it. By this point I was suffering with depression so bad that I wanted to end everything. The hope what you would come back saved me, and I thank you for that and only that. Between that hope and my job I was saved.
I finally realized, whilst getting ready for a night out a few years ago, that I was a shadow of my former self. You had reduced me to a shell. Working, eating and socializing was all an effort I didn’t want to face but also didn’t want anyone to know what had happened. I never went to the police as what was the point, no one believes the victim at first and I just couldn’t fight to prove my point. I had watched you fist fly past my face, I had endured emotional abuse and even been raped by you, there was nothing left to fight to prove my case, I was fighting to save my life instead.
My fiance came into my lift at just the right time. He helped me pick up the pieces I couldn’t, and this is the final one. I cannot forgive you because you ripped my life away from me, you left me feeling useless, unwanted, unloved and why should anyone, you destroyed me. However I can thank you, this may feel like a personal attack but I can thank you. You showed me that I am stronger than I though, you showed me that I didn’t need to live like that, you showed me the right path. Even though I am reminded of all this everyday, it makes me stronger. Every time my depression hit in hard, it makes me stronger as a person when I am out the other side.
I will never forgive you, but I will thank you for the person I am today.