Wish I had the guts to send this to you

Wish I had the guts to send this to you

Wish I had the guts to send this to you

LTME-postMy love,

We fit so much in the short time we were together. You were my first love. I had a lot of firsts with you. I guess that’s the reason why you still mean so much to me. I only joke when I call you my summer fling. You mean so much more. I know its been a few years now and I should have moved on by now. I’ve tried but I always compare every guy I meet to you. I just can’t bring myself to get over you. I think we were left unfinished. Which is why I think there is still a lot that we can be. I need to understand that there is no possible way we can be together anymore to be able to start fresh.

Our friend set us up. I can never forget that day. I was sick and she made me come out and meet you anyway. I was weak in the knees when I saw you in that leather jacket. It was a double date. We flirted, we kissed, we played corn hole. Everything seemed to flow so easily with you. You came home with me but you slept on the couch. I didn’t think it would turn into something even though I knew I liked you a lot.

I was nervous that I wouldn’t hear from you. You called 3 days later. We met for a drink at that underground bar. I came with a friend but I could see you wanted her to leave and I did too. Thankfully I had my way of telling her that I didn’t need her to be around anymore. The only reason I brought her with me was because I wasn’t sure how you felt at that time. As soon as she left, you bloody well made sure I knew how you felt. I want to be in that moment in again. I like that a lot about you and hate it at times. You keep nothing back. You like to get it off your chest.

We never really had a first date. I think we just went straight into relationship mode. It was so easy with you, I never had to try. You could always call me out on my bullshit. I remember this one time I hung out at your place. I stayed over. We watched Watchmen and drank whiskey neat and smoked cigarettes. We could not keep our hands off each other. You told me you loved me that night. No one had said that to me before. I felt the same way but you insisted that I think about it first and then reply. You held me so tight that night. I told you I loved you while you were sleeping. The next day you took me back to my apartment and went to look for a job. I texted you about our conversation. You got upset about the fact I texted you about it rather than talking to you. That night I told you I loved you.

We went to Target just for the heck of it. I am not a hand holder but you made sure you had mine in yours the whole time. We just went from isle to isle not looking for anything specific. It seemed so normal. Soon enough we were always together. You’d stay at my place or I’d stay at yours. It almost felt like we were living together. Listening to you sing Tom Waits in the car was one of the highlights. Even though you had a very jaded view on life you somehow made our relationship work in a way that was effortless – does that make sense? You had a hard life. Honesty was your only condition. I gave all of myself to you and you did the same. You started working and I was busy with school. You called me almost every day when you were off for lunch. Even though the conversations were short I loved every minute of it.

Spending those few months with you was when I was the happiest I had ever been. It’s sad that our time together had to end the way it did. The semester was coming to an end. I was going back home for the winter break. You helped me pack, you held me at night assured me everything will be okay, you said we will be fine. I believed you then. Standing in front of my apartment door the night before I was leaving we said our ‘see you later’. You teared up and I couldn’t. You couldn’t stay over as you had to work early the next day. I asked you to stay the night with me, but you refused. I texted you immediately asking you to come back. Pleading you to stay the night with me.

Over winter break, we continued on Skype. Missed calls, missed messages – I wanted to talk to you every chance I got. The time difference made that tough. You telling me about your day, and how life was hard for you killed me. I wanted to be with you, hold you. We talked for hours at times and sometimes days passed without hearing from you. Then, I found out I wouldn’t be able to come back to school. I told you, you said it is what it is. It wouldn’t affect us. You said we could still be together. Long distance is something a lot of people do. You said you would visit me, find a job here. You gave me hope. A month went by and I thought I wasn’t being fair to you so I gave you an out. I couldn’t end things so I gave you the opportunity to end it. You said that was the last thing you wanted. You promised me you would find a way back to me. You said you would work towards finding a job here. I believed you. That was our last conversation. I messaged you a few times. A month went by and I hadn’t heard from you and I stopped trying to reach out to you. Finally, I sent a message for which I did not want the answer to. ‘Are you seeing someone else?’. I got a reply from you 1 week later. You started seeing someone else and you had also found out that your dad had stage 4 cancer. I couldn’t seem to grasp the message I had to read it a few times over. I couldn’t believe you were dealing something so terrible. I wanted to help you through it. You didn’t need me anymore. You had her to help you, be with you, hold you.

I was devastated. My choice of coping mechanism – Alcohol. I did not go to work for 2 weeks. Eventually, I had to get my shit together and go to work as I was close to being fired. From then on I just was in a daze. I started working day and night – weekends too. I didn’t want to give myself a moment to think. Over the weekend I used to go out with friends and drinks way too much and just try to forget what had happened.

A lot of time passed this way. I still would think of you. I cannot recall when I started missing you a little less. A lot of that time trying to get over you and missing you is a blur now.

Last year I came for our friends’ wedding. I desperately wanted to reach out to you but I knew you were still with her. I used to walk down the street hoping to see you around every corner or in a bar.

Five years later I finally see you. Three weeks ago, sitting in a bar, with our friend I see you getting a drink. I start shaking and I cannot make myself get off that chair to say hi. You didn’t see me. You looked rougher than before. I wanted to come up to you. I just froze. You finished that drink and left and I was still frozen in my seat. When I got back to my hotel, I messaged you.

We met on Sunday after 5 years.

It was like no time had passed and a lot had passed at the same time – does that make sense? We had the same connection. Atleast that’s how I felt. We sat on a bench and talked. I tried to tell you how much you hurt me. How much our failed relationship affected me. How that hope you gave me left me devastated. I do hope you heard me. You held me close while we sat on that bench on the street. You wanted to meet me again the next day as it was my last day of vacation. We went to a bar with our friends. You tried to be closer but I pulled away. I knew this wasn’t a see you later. I walked you to your cab. We kissed, you said you’ll come visit me. How could you say that?

You texted me later that night asking me if I was okay. I was pissed so I was rude to you. Once I got back home I messaged you apologizing for being rude. Why the hell did you give me hope again. Steven, you did it again – 2 weeks since that message I sent and I haven’t heard from you. The questions that are bothering me now are – did I ever mean anything to you? Was I your summer fling?

And you know what the sad part is? I would come back to you if you reach out to me.

I wish I had the guts to send this to you. But I just can’t.

x J


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