To Thomas B,
About a year ago I wrote a letter (on this site) about how you broke my heart and damaged my trust. I was angry, really angry. You said things to me that were untrue and total projection. I know now that you had to make me a villain, to make me the bad guy, so that you could move on, live with what you did. Whatever. I know I’m better than you.
I have moved on. I haven’t really met anyone because I’m more careful. I won’t have a broken heart again. And I’m still angry at you for damaging my trust, robbing me of my innocence and faith in others. But I’ve found myself. I stopped eating sugar and lost 5 kilos, at least. I look HOT for my age. I go out. I do yoga and dance tango. I meet people. My job is going well, actually on fire. I have my kids, family and (new) friends that fill my life with joy and meaning. I’m grateful for what I have now and I don’t long to have anything else and I especially don’t long to be with you again.
And you? Just saw a picture of you and you have the biggest beer belly I have ever seen on you. You are FAT. HA! You look like you are carrying triplets. You’re probably drinking way tooooooo much and that always affected your ‘performance’. HA! You’re unemployed because your Danish bozo girlfriend talked you into quitting your job. HA! She lives in another city that is four hours away. HA! And it’s expensive to get there and you don’t have the money to do it! HA! You must feel like such a loser, the losers that you always criticised here in Amsterdam, thought you were so much better than them. You have gotten everything that you deserve. You must feel so alone and worthless.
You could just admit that you fucked up. Two and half years and you still haven’t found your happiness in your home country. You left everything you built in your lifetime for nothing. Maybe one day you’ll admit that you left the best things in your life behind in Amsterdam.
And me? I’m so happy that I don’t have to bear your burden. I’m so happy that I don’t have to hear your worry, dissatisfaction or longing for whatever it is you think you miss. I’m so happy I don’t have to listen to your drunken sentimentality and then get hand cramps from jerking you off. But I would have supported you wholeheartedly because I loved you. I would have stood by you because in a loving, committed relationship you help each other. You grow stronger together, you don’t abandon one another.
I waited patiently for this day of reckoning. I’ll wait patiently for the day that you confess you fucked up. And then I’ll smile awkwardly and say I KNOW.