Wish I had forever

Wish I had forever

Wish I had forever

Words can not begin to explain how sorry I am. I’m writing this in an attempt to bring me closure. I was ingenue but thats no excuse. You were my first; first love, first partner, first heart break. 3 years of talking to you on and off is a long time, wow! But I wasn’t honest with you, you found out about some of the other boys but not all of them. It’s been casting a grey cloud above my head every time I think about my actions and the pain they caused you! Thinking about our evocative time together makes me miss the times we had.

I’ve come to terms that I’m not the victim but rather the perpetrator. I didn’t make enough time for you. I didn’t cherish every moment we spent together. I took you for granted. It was a relationship destined to fail, a relationship built on lies and minimal trust. It was a ripple effect, I lied, you lied. I hid the truth and in return you did the same.

But you aren’t entirely perfect yourself…

The last thing I want to do is play the blame game, you were great to me. But you retaliated and slept with numerous girls – mine was just a kiss. Yes I will be the first to admit I played around behind your back at numerous parties a number of times, but what still leaves me speechless is how a kiss amounts to you having sex with multiple people and thinking that it is in the same playing field. Although I understand that there is 2 sides to every story, I don’t grasp how any explanation can make that okay.

I was 3 years younger than you and intentionally or not you used your age and power to do things I wasn’t ready for, that I was scared of and things I wish I had waited for! I hardly knew you before I was manipulated and was felt like it was my “duty” to pleasure you because you wanted it. But I guess it takes 2 to tango!

I saw you slowly loose interest in me, and that quite possibly was the worst feeling ever. And it hurt so bad. You made me believe I still had a chance even though you were f***ing another girl. I convinced myself that your relationship with her wasn’t true and that you were just mates. When I worked out you had moved on my stomach was in knots for days, my eyes were sore for the tears and during my sleepless nights all I could think abut is how I wasn’t good enough and how maybe if I changed or did things differently it would have all worked out.
I honestly believed that you never slept with her until your brother told me 3 months after that she was always at your house. Why her? I tried to have faith but I came to know your best kept secret are hidden under covers.

There was no “second hand emotions” as you insisted that out relationship should stay private. As a person that thrives for attention this was a point of concern as you only gave me attention when we were alone, It hurt and made me feel worthless and not good enough because I had to be kept a secret. Deliberately or not I got the vibe that you were ashamed of me.

I left not because I fell out of love with you, I left so I couldn’t hurt you anymore, I left so I could stop lying to my parents about out secret rendezvous and I left because it was the easier option than fighting for you.
I came to a realisation I was in love with the attention you gave me, we had a dalliance. Now we get along, I guess that’s what we have to do.

You still come over every now and then, I’ve learnt that this won’t be able to continue so I’ve taught myself to treat every time like the last time. “You never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don’t” (Meredith Grey)

I’ve spent too many tears over you and you don’t care anymore, I’m a quick root and boot. It’s like yelling but no one is there to hear your cries, my life is short and I’ve spent 3 years in and out of this “relationship” the time has came to move on and be happy, like you. Although I’m not yet strong enough to see you with another girl, Its a challenge that I’m going to have to face.

I didn’t make enough time for you when I had the chance and now you’ve left! I still love you, always have! There are no reasonable explanation for my mistakes but please know I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry!!


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