To KRS,
I don’t know where to start. All I know is that this consumes me. Every single part of my body and soul aches with grief as if you died in my arms, but really you just walked out of my life. Which almost feels worse.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t function because I miss you so much. There is this gnawing hole that I am trying to fill, I make a list of most everything that I can think of but at the end of the day the only thing that will make this better, is the very thing that caused all this: you.
You seemed to be the one, the one that would be my forever because I saw it. I saw you and I, so happy and so in love. Not perfect, but perfect for each other. Your dreams became mine, your happiness is what I longed for and your hurt and pain is what I felt also. I longed to be by side, to love and protect you, to be the woman who would love you despite your flaws. You deserved that much, you deserved happiness despite your dark past. And I saw your heart, I saw it was good, I saw it was true.
But it was a damaged heart, and somewhere along the way I lost you. And you lost sight of me. Somewhere along the way you stopped putting in effort and it hurt like hell, because all I wanted was to be yours. I stood at a crossroads: either I tore myself into a thousand shards to make you whole, or I stand my ground and keep my values. And in favor of keeping my values, you let me go.
You left me so cruelly, through a scathing text message. I know we had problems but I didn’t think our problems warranted such a nasty message. It was so hurtful, so blatant, I fell to the floor and I sobbed at the cruelty, that you allowed yourself to hit send.
The saddest part is I’m not even sure you regret it, regret hurting the good woman who loved you so much. You’ve taught her that love is pain and grief. You’ve told her she made a mistake taking a chance on you. You’ve told her that she’s the problem and that you take responsibility for nothing. You’ve showed her no respect in leaving her, you didn’t give her the dignity of a face-to-face breakup because your a coward. You’ve hurt a good woman who loves you and there’s no way you could ever take back the things you said to her. Perhaps she was a fool to ever believe in you, because it’s quite clear that you destroy all things that are beautiful. You had her. And what you two had was beautiful, but you lost sight of it. You took her for granted, and when it was time to prove you were a changed man, you couldn’t, because you haven’t.
The sickest part of this all, is that I, that woman, would give anything to have you in my arms again. You, the very thing that caused me this pain, that caused me this grief. You may not feel the pain today, tomorrow, next week, or even next month, but one day you will. And the day you feel it, you will have lost your window to win me back. I will be moved on. I will have forgotten all about you kind of like you asked me to do in your breakup text.
Next time you find something beautiful, hold onto it. Hold onto her who loves you despite everything. If you get that chance again.
S.