I’m sitting here, in my childhood bedroom typing on my laptop. Feeling so confused, angry at myself and you, frustrated and thinking a lot of what ifs.
It has been almost five months since I left our home, our pets and our relationship. I had to leave for both of us. Your psychosis returned and I knew if I stayed there we would be back to square one (we still are in a way). I’m writing because I wonder if the events leading to our separation could have been prevented.
I can think of the many reasons we didn’t make it. Both of us played a role that lead to our separation. My laziness and your mental health and parents. Yes, I said it. If you were back on your medication for your schizophrenia I’m sure I would be home, cuddling you and never letting go. As for your parents well neither one wants their kids happy do they, all they care about is that you will work for them so they don’t have to pay wages to someone else. Your mother seems happy that neither son has a partner, since your brother divorced.
I should have known it was going to end, you sent me a letter explaining your feelings after I chucked a massive tantrum because I didn’t want to go to the city for yet another medical appointment. You wanted me to be more helpful in the house instead of doing nothing. Also adding your parents need you more than ever.
I dismissed the letter, putting it in the don’t care file. You even warned me if I didn’t follow suit you would end our engagement.
Well that came true when you announced to the world that the engagement was off via FB. Everyone knew about it before I did. All because I refused to go home after you chucked a rant in public accusing me of the most heinous shit. I found out weeks later you no longer take your antipsychotics.
AM I felt so humiliated as I had to cancel the priest, the caterers, the venues. Losing deposits. If you wanted to cancel the wedding you should have canceled the priest etc.
Oh how I tried to work things out with you. You don’t seem to understand the harassment I feel when every day my mom is repeating herself begging me to go to a lawyer to see about my rights to our house that we bought together. I hold out because I am wishing and hoping we work things out.
I know I’m everywhere in this letter but so much is running through my head. The last time I physically saw you, you were pissed because I didn’t do such and such correct and asked why I bothered coming back home. Now you are ignoring my calls and messages on FB. It is driving me crazy. If you hate me so much why am I still friends with you on FB?
I have offered to be friends but you do not respond. We have been together for 15 years yet you have thrown it all away. Choosing your drugs, parents etc over me. All I want is for you to be off the drugs, go back on your antipsychotic meds, tell your parents to F* off and try rekindle with me.
I miss being home with you and our pets. I want you to be the 45 year old you are supposed to be and talk to me. Instead of leaving me in the dark. I think of you day and night. I have tried to go out there and prove that I have changed by losing weight, changing my attitude and getting a better job but it isn’t enough.
Please AM just talk to me. This has been tearing me apart mentally.