“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I thought you were my forever. I was all in. Ready for it. I think that’s what stings the most. You always would say you weren’t good enough for me, but I saw that differently. I saw us as a team ready to take on the world. I don’t know why you would always say that, but I hated it. You need to realize your worth more.
I feel like you never really gave me a proper reason on why you ended things, and to be honest I hardly remember any of the actual conversation anyways. It’s like one day I was with you and the next I was not. It’s all a blur and maybe it be best it remains that way. Still, I’ve had to find my own closure. I think I know why though. Maybe it was the bipolar; that’s what I’m thinking. I know I scared you and I was wrong for that. I’m sorry you saw sides of me that I’m not even okay with. I’m sorry if I ever made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry I’m the entire package except for that small detail.
Did you really have to do it the way you did though? Not cool. Not cool at all.
I know I’m deserving though. I’m a pretty rad lady whose smart, beautiful, creative, goofy, loving, empathetic, charming, and a whole bunch more lovely adjectives.
I feel at the end of my life I will an impressive story. You’ll be apart of that story as well. Not a bad part though. Please know that. You’ll be the one that got away. It’s okay though, you win some, you lose some. When my daughter is crying tears of sadness. The kind of sadness only brought on by immense heartache, I will tell her that I’ve been there too. That my dream of being with you slipped right through my fingers and I lost the one person that meant the most to me. I’ll tell her how my chest hurt for days and how I kept replaying memories of us in my head. I’ll also tell her that it’ll be okay. Things always end up okay.
Since things ended between us I’ve made some changes. I’ve been religiously working out at the gym. Even gone swimming a few times. I also joined a yoga studio and am working on finding inner peace. I’m on a new daily anti anxiety and it really seems to be doing a solid job. Doesn’t make me sleepy like they said it would though. I feel I’ve been handling this entire situation very well although I haven’t been sleeping well, and I’m pretty sure it’s because of said situation. I’m sure it’ll improve eventually. Gotta, right? Work now knows about my bipolar. I had to fill them in and the feedback was very positive, actually. Didn’t know how the entire thing would go down but I’m very pleased with the outcome.
Seamus is also doing well. I hope shadow is too. Miss her. Miss your family. Lots. I miss you too . I’m reluctant to say that, but it’s true. I wish I could call you up like nothing even happened, but I don’t think that’s ever gonna be a thing. Sigh. Typing this is emotionally exhausting.
If I were to do it over I would keep up on my self love. I think when things boil down to it, that’s so crucial. I see that now. I see it and I’m never going to let that happen again.
Before I go I wanted to tell you that I don’t hate you. I haven’t talked poorly about you either. Very proud of myself for that, by the way. Part of me will always love you as well, do know that. I really wish you all the best and I hope you remember me as Sarah, that wonderful young woman who almost had it all.
I’m glad we can say at least we tried.
With love, Sarah.