It still hurts

It still hurts

It still hurts

Dear Sam,

It’s nearly been 6 months since I left you. It felt so empowering and I was so proud of myself for finding the strength to not settle for anything less than I deserved. I had so much praise from everyone, including friends of both mine and YOURS. I moved on quickly. Or so I thought. The truth is, I haven’t moved on. I don’t feel the same love for you anymore, and I don’t think of you romantically, but I am still feeling a loss.

I loved Monday – Friday 5pm Sam. You were kind, caring and fun. I looked forward to coming home to you everyday – to our life and home we were building together. But Friday and Saturday After Dark Sam was a totally different story. You changed into a totally different person. You were rude, obnoxious and I lost so much respect for you. In the end I just didn’t want to go out with our friends on weekends anymore because of it. And you know what caused the change – alcohol. We discussed it so much and I made it known how it was affecting me and our relationship, and sure you cut down a little bit, but you didn’t really make any real changes.

I know I bring up Brazil and your birthday party a lot but they were the cherry on top of some already destructive behaviour. I’m still traumatised by both of those events. I have never had someone treat me so appallingly over absolutely NOTHING. Your desire to get high and drunk and party overtook your desire to keep me happy, comfortable and want me to stay with you. You didn’t even fight for me when I broke up with you.

If it were role-reversed I would have been devastated that I had caused you so much pain. I would have completely stopped drinking (you’re not an alcoholic!) and made an effort to make sure you knew you were my top priority. I would have gone to the therapist I suggested we both go to, together. I would have really tried. But you didn’t. And that’s what devastates me the most. I wasn’t worth fighting for.

Now you’re without me. And everyone’s growing up, moving on and settling down. And I’m sure you’re noticing but you refuse to grow with everyone else. We don’t want the life you want, and that’s fine, but you’ve pushed everyone who loves you away because you’ve been spoilt. By your parents and siblings and all of your friends. Especially me. I let you get away with WAY too much.

I even hate that you told your parents we broke up because I wanted kids and you didn’t. I wish they knew how you’d really treated me instead of this pathetic excuse. Sure it has truth, but of course you omit the bits about where you treated me like absolute DIRT.

I don’t see how things could ever work between us. There’s too much resentment and you have too many issues (I do too to be fair, and I’m working on them), but I wish you could change for yourself. I’m still at a battle with whether or not I think you’re a good person deep down or if you’re just pretending for the surface. But I know you’re having a difficult time. You were before I even met you. You have demons and you won’t face them. They’re getting worse. I just hope you can repair yourself sooner rather than later.



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