Letting go of my person

Letting go of my person

Letting go of my person

Hey E, 
I’m writing this because I think I am FINALLY ready to let you go and can I say it has taken a long time.. longer then I ever imagined. It has been over a year and it has been so hard. I see you everywhere. I sometimes have dreams of you which is crazy because I have mostly forgotten everything about you. Your laugh is faded and your smell that I used to love so much is now unimaginable, but yet the dreams are as if it all happened yesterday. I don’t want to have dreams about you.

Although I don’t regret you nor do I regret the memories we made, I don’t want to think of you anymore. You made me happy at one point but now when I hear your name it is just a couple words that are empty. Those three letters used to make me smile. It belonged to my person, my everything but now its just another name, one that does not associate with me anymore. And that’s ok. Wasn’t meant to be but it all happens for a reason right?

I don’t talk to you anymore but somehow you’re still always there. You were my first relationship, my first love, my first everything. I would have done anything for you. To this day I would, because that is how important you were and will always be to me. But you’re a bad person. You don’t deserve my everything. You hurt me over and over again. You took me for granted.

I can’t lie I wasn’t perfect either but I could never hurt you purposely, you were my whole heart. Sometimes I feel like I let you consume me and I wasn’t myself. I lost friends and fought with family just to make you happy. I put you above everyone else including me. I would take my anger out on people who did nothing to me because of you. I wasn’t myself when I was with you. I did everything to satisfy you and threw everything I wanted and needed out the window. I only realized this after it was too late.

But you loved me, I know you did in your own twisted way. You didn’t know how to handle being loved because of your childhood and I completely understand that’s why I never blamed you, but damn you hurt me. More than anyone has every hurt me. I let you in and I don’t let anyone in. I don’t know if I could ever do that again but I’m hoping I will.

After the break up we would text every now and then but then we didn’t. I tried everything to move on I let myself go just to forget you I even hurt the sweetest guy who treated me how I wanted you to treat me, but he wasn’t you. His touch wasn’t yours, the feeling I had wasn’t the same with you. I hurt him trying to look for you in him and that wasn’t fair to him. I felt very guilty for the way I treated him. I shouldn’t have started something I wasn’t ready for nor did I want. But then guess what, after months of us not speaking he asked me to be his girlfriend the same exact date you asked me 3 years ago. And I said yes when I didn’t love him I was just obsessed with finding a way to forget you and if I had to force it I would do it anyways, which was wrong.

You then texted me after months of not speaking and flipped my world upside down for the second time. I was so angry you texted me because I was trying so hard to forget you. But there you were texting me everyday, catching up with me, pulling me back and I fell for it. of course I would fall for it. I waited months for you to text me, I waited months for you to tell me you missed me. I found myself waiting for a text back from you while I was in a relationship… because it was you.. hiding it from the guy I was with. I felt so disgusted. I ended it. Broke his heart. Just to be able to text you and not feel guilty.

I felt guilty anyways. I should have never been with that guy in the first place but I should have never answered your first text. How could I fall for that. I hate myself for falling for that. You didn’t miss me you were just bored and wanted to use me but that’s fine I’ve learned and I will never let you come back into my life you with never see me put my guard down.

I was down to be friends with you because I wanted you to be in my life one way or another because it would mean I didn’t completely loose you but I can’t be there for you and be there for myself, I can not do both. You lost me forever. Don’t ever come back in my life again with bad intentions. I will love you from a distance and I will always want the best for you, I don’t have one negative bone in my body for you although you hurt me. You will always have a big spot in my heart. Even if we’re strangers.

So this is goodbye. Take care of your self. Hope you are safe and happy, you deserve the world. Just sucks I don’t belong in it. But that is ok. I have grown and I have flourished and I finally feel like myself. So I am letting you go. Goodbye forever.

 -always and forever


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