When we separated, I was angry with you. That anger covered and protected me from the pain of it all. I quickly started a relationship to fill the void left in my heart, cover the pain more, and distract me. It moved way too fast, which is typical with abusers (I didn’t know that at the time). Through these past few years, I was abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was in constant fear of speaking up or leaving. When someone strangles you until you pass out, it feels like you’re dying, and I didn’t want to die. I knew it could happen. I was controlled and monitored on all devices. My outward appearance, what the public saw, had to be a certain way. The fear of angering him was overwhelming, I was constantly trying to keep him happy to preserve myself. I’m sure as the kids get older you’ll hear some horror stories. There was no room to process my feelings of love for you, and no way I could tell you. I couldn’t while living in constant fear. I would fantasize about you wanting me back, dream about reuniting. I was literally able to feel your love in my dreams, those were the best. 

I need to thank you for so many things. First, I want to thank you for the love you gifted me. It was the most incredible and beautiful thing I ever felt. I remember our wedding day, the tears in your eyes, I never felt so loved. I want to thank you for letting me love you and bringing us together as a family. That time together was the best period of my life. I want to thank you for bringing me to the church and showing me God and the truth, even though I rebelled at first. I want to thank you for our two beautiful children, who are the perfect reflection of our love. My love for them is an extension of my love for you; I see you in their faces. I want to thank you for the life you provided me – you were a great provider for the kids and I. I want to thank you for allowing me to transport the kids back and forth for your visitations. You didn’t know at the time, but it was some of the only relief from the abuse during our separation, and I was so happy seeing both my Mom and Dad during those times. I want to thank you for choosing a girlfriend that is nice to our kids and good to you (even though it breaks my heart). The kids are comfortable with her and have told me nothing but good things about her. If she does have to take over for me as a mother to our kids, please tell her thank you and let her know how much I appreciate her sweetness and patience. There are so many other things I want to thank you for but that would take a novel. I just want you to know that I appreciated all the things you did for me, and how proud I was to have you as my Husband. Not to mention, you were and still are so sexy in your uniform!

I need to apologize to you for all the things I did wrong and all the ways I hurt you. Both before and after our separation. I apologize for when I stopped sleeping in our bed together and abandoned you, and my reasons don’t matter. I know this hurt you and made you feel so unloved and I am so sorry for that. It was wrong for me to treat you that way. I apologize for filing for divorce from you and abandoning you in that way too. You must have felt so betrayed and shocked. I apologize for getting into a relationship so fast after we separated. I also apologize for not keeping [OUR GUINEA PIG]’s cage clean and sanitary 😉 lol. But seriously, I know there are 101 other things I did that I shouldn’t have, and I apologize for every one of them. You didn’t deserve any of it. You deserve so much better. 

I need to forgive you and release you from any guilt you might feel about anything that ever happened between us. This includes both the sweet and beautiful time we were together, and the time after separation. First and most important, I forgive you for not forgiving me, because I know how deeply I hurt you and how anger protects hearts from bottomless pain. I forgive you for the silly lies you told in court, because honestly I too got very angry during all this legal nonsense and would have lied also if I wasn’t so chicken. Don’t feel guilty about that, it was annoying at best. I forgive you for recording me with your phone when we had sex. I didn’t like it, but in hindsight it wasn’t that big of a deal. I forgive you for sometimes being too rough with [OUR SON], he has ended up just fine. I forgive you for not reconciling with me. Even though I’ve wanted that for so long, and still do, it’s not up to me. You have to do what’s good and best for you.

My PTSD treatment has begun to lessen the extreme fear, anxiety and other symptoms caused by [ABUSER]s abuse. And it’s like peeling back the layers of an onion: it has exposed the incredible amount of love I still feel for you and the agonizing grief that it is not reciprocated. I just wanted to let you know.