Where do I even start? Jesus christ. These past few months have been extremely tiring and hard without you by my side. You were my best friend. My right hand, my release when feeling stressed. I could lean on you in times of need and in times of happiness. We don’t speak anymore. The last time I spoke to you was asking for all of my things back, which was last week. I know you wondered why I didn’t bother to ask you how you were doing or what is going on in your life. Well, frankly I am too hurt to even know if you’re happy or not.

After we got into our little fight a few days after the new year, everything literally fell completely apart. We had a window of talking and I can tell you my heart was racing again and seeing your face brought back an extreme amount of memories. Sydnie, you really mean the world to mean. We would get into arguments a lot, we would fight over dumb things frequently. They wouldn’t last so long, but they would still occur. Often times you’d treat me like a 2 year old, and that beat down my confidence level. Hearing you rash on my habits really got under my skin. It wasn’t something I should be ashamed of. It was something any individual could work on and do better at.

You had absolutely no place to treat me like you did, and I will always remember that. But when you’re in love with somebody, you overlook all the downsides. You ignore the flaws, the hardships. Getting to see you once or twice a month meant a little vacation each time you were here. My parents didn’t know we dated, my parents didn’t even know I was gay (still don’t). Every visit up here got increasingly suspicious, bringing up questions from my parents about what we are. It brought anxiety, fear, and guilt. Hiding us was an extremely hard thing to do, my feelings were so very strong for you. Knowing my parents, if I told them the real true story they would most likely oppose it and barely let me see you/sleep in the same room. Would I want to risk that? No. Do I want to love you? Yes, 100%. You’d always doubt my love for you, and that got under my skin. Syd, I would always tell you that if you jumped into my brain and saw what was going on you’d understand. My eyes, heart, brain, soul was with you. I loved you so so so so much. I protected you in every way possible. From your family problems, friends, and even personal demons you would struggle with. Holding you tighter than ever as you cried into my t- shirt brought a deeper love for you. Having your mascara on my shirt and you saying “I think I got mascara on your shirt” highlighted the moment. I would do things that would annoy the crap out of you, but that’s just how I was. If you have me, you have all my little quirks as well.

I was thinking about saying sorry for all the times I did something that ticked you off, but I’m not sorry. I shouldn’t be sorry for being myself, nor should you. All your flaws and insecurities were known, and I loved you more for each one. We’ve been through a rollercoaster of events together. From meeting you on Twitter, to not talking, to seeing each other in a concert states away. When I first laid eyes on you in person, I think my heart fell into my ass. Fuck. For as long as I live the image of you standing right there will never be erased. You were really beautiful, Sydnie. I wanted you to be in my life so badly afterwards. You told me you didn’t think I’d even look at you after not talking for a few months. Well, you were mistaken. I couldn’t help but take my eyes off your curly hair, and beautiful brown eyes. Driving home that night I had your contact up on my phone. I was about to type a message saying that it was nice seeing you, and right then I see a text from your name. It read along the lines of “nice seeing you tonight, I hope we can start talking again” I knew from that point on that you were meant to be in my life.

Before I get way too long with this, I want to say that you and I’s story can be turned into a book. So, in this case I’m going to stop reminiscing about us because I know that you remember all that went down. It’s February 1st, 12:51 pm. Yet another night up late thinking about you. I wonder what you’ve been doing lately? How’s school? Do you have a new schedule? How’s work? Is it still making you angry and all sorts of frustrated? How is your family? I miss Lila and Finny. Your younger siblings put a smile on my face like no other. They’re special little humans, and I know they mean the absolute world to you. I would always tell you how when you’re older you’ll be such an amazing mother. I hope the lucky girl that marries you sees the true passion and love you put into family. I hope you’re getting good grades, last we talked you ended your semester with a 3.8 GPA? That’s what I’m talkin bout. You deserve the grades, you put in hard work and it’s shining through. If you asked me what I missed the most about us I would say just being able to talk to you. Cuddling while eating frozen peanut M&Ms and watching Big Brother comes in second lol. Nah but seriously, we’ve had some really intellectual conversations and I appreciated digger deeper into your mind. We thought alike, and that’s how we connected so well in certain situations. We did have differences, but as all couples do. It sparked tension and fights at times, but we would eventually move on.

Jesus, I’ve been writing for a while. I’ve thought a lot about putting pen to paper but that would just end in me crying because I get too deep into my literature. At least being on here makes it seem like I would be typing a text to you. I don’t know what else to say. It’s been around 3 months since the last time I saw you. The last time I said I love you in person. The last time I got to hug you, and smell your perfume. Pictures of us are still all up in my room. Your teddy bear no longer stays in my bed, rather a place where I can still see it but not cuddle with it when I miss you. A few weeks ago I picked it up and it smelt just like you. I bursted out crying. It was lying on the ground for days long. I didn’t think it would have your aroma so strongly on it. Every day I think about texting you, but I know I shouldn’t. We’re over, it’s time to move the fuck on Addy. There’s just something about this that’s off. You were my first real love. My first kiss, the girl who took my virginity. The girl who I couldn’t help but constantly stare into your enticing chcolately brown eyes. Man, I loved your features. You were a bigger girl, and I loved that.

You had such great taste in music, the amount of songs you have shared with me is insane. The one song that will forever stick is Cross My Mind Pt 2 by A R I Z O N A. I still listen to it frequently and sing loudly and proudly following the lyrics. I could go on and on about us for days. There is just so much to be said, and so much left unsaid. At least on my side, I wish I could sit you down and really tell you how I have been feeling recently. You’d be surprised how often your name crosses my mind. You’re the one person I look for when checking to see who viewed my SnapChat story. You’re the one name I always search for in Instagram, you’ll like celebrities post and your name appears. Little gestures like that alert me. Did I forget to mention I go on your twitter like many times a day? We don’t follow each other, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know what’s going on. It’s bitter and sweet seein you on social media. It’s the last straw I have of you, I gave you back all of your items. I do have the photos and memories. But I don’t have you here.

When I see your name pop up on social media a piece of me breaks a little. Literally, just seeing your name makes me happy and sad at the same time. A lot of your posts nowadays are with your ex girlfriend. I don’t know if you guys are dating again, it seems like it. I hope you don’t get hurt again like you did previously with her. I know how bad she can treat you, and I was a big help in getting you out of that toxic relationship. I wish you nothing but the best if you are with her. I just hope you don’t get hurt again, I hope she treats you and loves how just as much as I do. Sydnie, still love you and I always will. You hold a special part of my heart. I will always have a sweet stop for you. You know that. I will always crave a chance to see you and talk to you again even if I know that may not be for a while. I don’t necessarily want you as my girlfriend again, I just want to be on talking terms. But I know you probably don’t care as much as I do. You’re not writing a whole fucking novel on “lettertomyex.com.” If you do think about me, I hope it is positive thoughts. I just want you to know since the day you stopped attaching yourself I haven’t once stopped loving you. My love for you is incredibly powerful. I hope one day your name will pop up on my phone again. I miss you beautiful. I Love you as always – Addy