I pray for you every night, with a double dose on Sundays. You’re never far from my thoughts. Even the fun, exciting things I’ve been planning are tinged with the sadness that I may never get to tell you about them.
You left me confused and upset. We agreed that we were over, that you shouldn’t be dating anybody at the moment; your words not mine. Within moments you told me you care about me romantically, you didn’t want to lose me, that you wanted me to go until you were comfortable to see me again, that I was the right person but at the wrong time. But those wants weren’t enough to save us from this.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. I’m trying to give you the space you asked for, but it hurts so much.
I am not weak. I have endured years on my own, just me and my little boy, so I know I can be alone again. But to me, you were it. Deep down I genuinely thought you were the one I would be with forever. You pulled me out of that loneliness, showed me what it was to be in a proper relationship without abuse or anger dictating my every move. You helped me believe that I could have a future with somebody again, something I never ever thought I’d have.
My God I miss you.
I miss talking to you. I miss how much we had in common. I miss learning from you. I being able to talk to you freely and not feel anxious that I was a bother or a burden. I miss us, when we were a team.
I should have told you I loved you.
In the year we were together I should have told you at least once. I should have told you after 3 months, the first night we stayed together and you kissed me goodnight. I remember that so clearly, how it was on the tip of my tongue but that I swallowed it down. I’ve never felt like that before.
I should have told you on your birthday. On Valentines Day. When we went up the London Eye and you left me take stupid selfies. When we were in the park. When we were cuddled up watching TV. When you visited here, after I’d seen you with my son, after you’d travelled all this way for a visit. I wish more than anything I had told you that I loved you every single time I saw you.
Now you may never know, and that breaks my heart.
I miss you. I love you Ty…