I’m so fucking sorry

I’m so fucking sorry

I’m so fucking sorry

LTME-posthun,

first of all, i’m so, so fucking sorry. i’m sorry for being who you never wanted me to be. i’m so damn sorry i cheated. i’m so ddamn sorry i wound up being such a shitty person. im so sorry you had to tell your younger sister, who sits next to me in second period chem, that one of her closest friends and your loving girlfriend was a liar and a cheater. and now its me who has to be sorry, its me who has to cry onto her keyboard as she pours her heart out to strangers on the internet rather than you because one, we arent us anymore, and two, you want space, and its me who has to admit to all the shitty stuff shes done.

second of all, i love you. so fucking much. so much, words cannot express it. so much, it blows the stars in the sky away. so much, it takes my breath away. and now im hurting and in love with you to the point where i cannot function or deal with the idea of losing you as my boyfriend, my rock, my anchor.

third of all, you were and still are my everything. i gave you my all. i risked myself and my religion for you, and gave you my virginity on december 24th, which we later realized with tired smiles and happy eyes, was the day that marked our three month.

baby… hun… sweetie… love… aidan.

words cannot explain how sorry i am. he is, was, will forever be nothing to me but a friend. but i fell weak. and i fucked up, i fukced up so damn badly and now you found out and broke up with me two days into the new year and now im stuck with a broken heart and empty chest and it hurts every time i take a breath and damn baby im so so sorry for this all…

i hate myself and regret everything i did… since that one time, ive been nothin but faithful. thaats what i told you but thats also a lie and i hate that im who i am and a commitment phobic and i hate this all so much and while i dont know who i am i do know what i want and thats you, you’re all i want right now…

fuck, just come back to me. i only want you and im willing to do anything to get you back.

you opened my eyes to what a relationship is, and ill never forget that.
you taught me to laugh. live. love.
you fucking showed me the definition of a relationship and now youre showing me the fucking definition of a breakup.
that fucking hurts, baby, it hurts so bad.

it hurt when you called me babe while you broke up with me.
it hurt when you broke up with me over text.
it hurt when you said, “(A/) don’t be ridiculous I wouldn’t dare forget you or stop talking to you”.

how could you be so sweet when i basically just tore your heart clean out of your chest, and drove a nail through it?

i cant take this. i cant take dealing with my heart jumping out of false, empty hope every time my phone buzzes, vibrates, or lights up, wishing it be a text from you. i cant take this as the end.

i cant and i wont.

we cannot be over.

you said it yourself just a day before you broke up with me, “we’re the perfect couple”.

so what if you hardly ever returned the favour of longass morning texts for the other to wake up to? so what if you seldom screenshotted my snaps just because i looked cute in them? so what if you once scared me out of my damn mind at 4 am by failing to return my texts on halloween night? id give anything to have those painful things back, anyday, if it meant i got you back.

as soon as i started to understand what a relationship was about, you took it all away.
no, i dont blame you.
not even the slightest.
but that doesnt make it hurt, any less.
baby, i love you so fucking much.

i dont even know where or how to continue on from this. im lost without you. you were the best part of my life, my reason to wake up, the reason behind my smile.

and now youre gone.

youre gone as quickly as you came.

you were my grade 9 crush that id watch from afar; then, nearly 3 years later, i finally officially met you in the basement of your house. we hit it off, but didnt really start talking until weeks later, when i sent you a message of something that really reminded me of you. after that? we were inseparable, emotionally. i knew you didnt live here, but we were both okay with long distance. i couldnt believe it… my grade 9 crush, finally mine. it was fucking surreal and i shouldve known that it wouldnt have lasted.

but i love you, so much. so as i sit here, typing this, in the shirt i was wearing that day when we met for real in the basement of your house, im missing you. and as i struggle through the day, everything reminding me of you, i cross my fingers and pray for you to text me.

only a week or so ago i was meeting your parents, and now im experiencing the worst pain ive ever felt in my 17 years of living, and youre the reason why.

why? why did it have to happen this way? please help me understand, hun.

buttercup. princess. love. baby. babe. sweetcheeks. babe. dear. sweet thing. and finally, mine and your personal favourite; snowflake.

do you recognize those names? they’re your names for me. i miss them. i miss them all so, so much. please, baby, i;m begging and pleading with every fibre of my existence, for you to just come back to me. or even send me one text. that’s all i ask.

they say everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck is the reason behind all this happening? i don’t understand it, i don’t understand any of it at all, so please just fucking help me out here. we were a damn team, hun, and now? now, we’re nothing at all. nothing but ex lovers.

please, baby. come home. please come home to me.

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